Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Promised Heaven]

I've actually delayed my CTB date from March 1st to March 10th because I wanted to get my head scanned for chronic head pressure for the past ten months but the insurance denied the scan saying they need 12 weeks worth of head pressure and my recent appointment claiming I suffered for months does not count as 12 weeks, despite having a medical history of me complaining since October.

I need to suffer THREE MONTHS more before I could even confirm a fucking diagnosis. I have no other treatment plan because they can't treat what they can't see or diagnose. I thought I was doing a good thing by reaching out but honestly I'm just ready to die. The one time I actually use my health insurance I get denied. This has got to be a joke. I am 90% sure I have chronic sinusitis and the main way to diagnose is a CT scan, which I got denied.

I rarely use my insurance, I'm gonna cry. Worst part is I won't CTB on the day I want, just suffer longer.

 

[landmine]

deep love, to the point of obsession

 

[Cavalcade]

I got into graduate school. I should be over the moon with joy: but I'm terrified of how I'm going to handle it. People who are perfectly healthy and well adjusted enter grad school, and leave with horrific mental health problems. The statistics look grim as all fuck for that demographic. I already have awful mental health problems- what the hell is it going to do to me? My older brother reassures me that he believes in me, that I'll have him to lean on if I get scared or overwhelmed, but I can't help but stew in anxiety about whether I'm going to be good enough to do this. I feel like I've just pulled the world's wildest con of all time, and I'm going to be found out as a fraud, as ridiculous as it sounds.

 

[CTB Dream]

this feel dtriort slw di loseall

 

[Namelesa]

I feel so deep in a bottomless pit that I am trying to climb out of but I can't get out of it or die to escape the trapped suffering I am in. If I try something new to potential help me climb up it will probably backfire and I slip and go deeper into the pit but if I don't try anything I can't hold my grip and slowly lower into it more and more. No matter what I do I just go deeper into the pit. The only choice I have is either I want to get temporally better to then get even worse or to just slowly get worse.

 

[fuewybfunsfoiceoi]

I am ill at ease whilst my heart beats in a shallow rhythm.
I stuff myself full of information; distracting events serving only to numb emotionally. I am anesthetizing myself for hours and days on end until I am required to return to reality. By then, the things I have neglected have piled up. I am faced with the consequences I have created. It's become a cycle. Break the cycle by ctb or by painful repentance. Of course, I choose what is easier to bear. Let's ctb!
Since I don't want to do anything equally, then I am free to do anything. Supposedly.

 

[Electra]

I feel glum and weary and tearful. I don't know why I put so much hope into something that in the end didn't even work out. I can't be happy about anything or feel hopeful about anything - it will be lost.

 

[CloudyNightSky]

So hateful I could just rip someone apart. So unworthy I could kill myself right after and just so pressured by everything I don't want to be anymore

 

[Hojag]

High. Doctor prescribed me a new med to avoid the ECT as much as possible, so I'm feeling good and high

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

It feels empty, and I feel stupid. I miss a certain person terribly. We spent hours together every day, playing and talking. Then it stopped. Then it slowly started again, but not like before, and now it's over again. I don't know, clearly, this friendship supported me more than I thought, and now it's gone.

It's really hard to deal with this when something that brought me joy is no longer there. And now I've decided to start keeping my distance from him for my own sake. He shouldn't have this much influence over me, so it's better to stay away.

It feels a bit awkward because he's been my friend for years, and I'm used to asking for advice or talking about things with him, but I'm not going to do that anymore. And in any case, I just want to be gone right now, more than I have in a long time...

 

[sukiduki]

why do men pretend to be someone they aren't? why offer to take someone out, offer to drive, offer to pay, get stuff out of women and then turn around and say you don't like driving or paying. men wanna be seen as such good people but on they inside they are not. why resent someone for the things you willingly offer?

 

[sukiduki]

thinking about how little impact i have on peoples day to day lives. i wonder how long it'll take for people to forget me, or if they'll even cry if they were to find i were dead. i could disappear for months and i'm not sure people would notice. i feel sad

 

[killingmyselfcore]

i feel so alone nobody understands me im an actual hypocrite
i mourn who they couldve became every day yet i sit and rot inside doing nothing i am a loser

 

[Languish]

Like a wilted flower of flesh and blood.

 

[Prism]

I miss you so much

 

[Lord_Kapybara]

For several days I have been thinking about getting on the plane and fly somewhere south, where it is warm and sunny. However, this costs and it would be best to plan sensibly. Someday I could take somewhere without a plan to just go ahead with a backpack, but now my condition does not exist. Going to the store is an expedition for me

 

[onthefence]

Dissociated but coming to the realization that I have a ton of crap to do so starting to panic a bit.

 

[annasplight]

Guilty. I haven't taken my meds a while and I feel such intense guilt about it, haha. I also just wish I had the energy to like, function lately,,,,im so behind on homework T-T

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Today? Well, I feel better, but I'm also really annoyed. Of course, I didn't do what I had planned, when do I ever? It feels like every time I decide to distance myself, it goes like this. But whatever, apparently everything is fine, and I have bigger problems with someone else who can't make up their mind.

There's a reason I keep people at a distance. I'm an easy target for manipulation... I'm too gullible, even when I recognize the risks and red flags. I ignore them for a moment's comfort... These lyrics capture it perfectly:
"I don't know how to get over this
'Cause we just had it so good
Don't you care, or what am I not understanding?
This just caught me off guard
'Cause I had just learned to trust you again
I've never felt this stupid before

I guess it was easy to wrap me
In your web of lies when I didn't want
To believe the truth
My world wasn't cruel before us
But now it's scarred by what you did
And how well you hid it"

 

[TheHolySword]

my brother asked me if i was planning to kill or otherwise hurt myself after i visit him. it broke my heart to lie to him but i know the truth would crush him. and there's nothing he could do, nothing it would change for him to know. i cried all night. i hate lying to him about anything. god i'm so sorry that i have to leave you like this.

 

[x3la]

These last two weeks have been extra awful. My chest has been feeling so damn heavy all day and it feels like the tears are never far away. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing the awful thing staring back at me. god i hate being a man.

 

[Cavalcade]

I've been feeling terribly disconnected from the people in my life. It would be so easy to disappear from the margins of theirs... It's hard to feel as if you don't matter to anyone, and to have that seemingly proven, time and time again. It took over a month for anyone to notice anything was amiss. That hurts. That's plenty of time to die in. I've been withdrawing and pulling away, retreating further and further into myself- and watching with glum eyes as I just slip into the background, a forgotten bit piece- how inconvenient my hurt is, how unwieldy: how everyone just expects that I'll figure it out on my own, that I'll pick myself up again. I'm tired of it. I don't want to, anymore. I'm sick and tired of trying, for people who are wildly indifferent, who choose to do things that hurt me: how can you remain friends with the people who drove me to the brink of suicide, during one of the most traumatic periods of my life? Am I worth that little to you? And that hurts, too. To not be considered, to not be thought of- for it to be an afterthought so easily brushed away. I've been grappling with just leaving it all behind me: of cutting off everyone, and plunging deeply into self isolation: at least for the next few years, to focus solely on my studies. I think I'd feel empty, hollow- but maybe that's better to do that and have a degree in hand, than dealing with the excruciating loneliness of being gone when you're still there.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm so behind on my school work and I have exams coming up but I don't care because a new song by Enjoy just dropped and now I'm in a great mood.

 

[mikgazer6]

Accomplished. Finally found the motivation to resume a hobby Ive put on pause. Not the correct word to use but I cant think of a proper one that seems more accurate

 

[beelzebul]

Anger and frustration. Tired of generalizations based on immutable traits and the people who make them constantly justifying their bigotry.

 

[sukiduki]

still confused as to why someone who can't do the bare minimum for a date offer to take me on one. if you didn't wanna pick me up and drop me off, why offer? if you didn't wanna pay, why offer? but you were happy to accept gifts from me tho, huh? its really so confusing i don't think i'll ever understand.

 

[Promised Heaven]

High on weed for two days in a row like the loser I am.

 

[onthefence]

I got into graduate school. I should be over the moon with joy: but I'm terrified of how I'm going to handle it. People who are perfectly healthy and well adjusted enter grad school, and leave with horrific mental health problems. The statistics look grim as all fuck for that demographic. I already have awful mental health problems- what the hell is it going to do to me? My older brother reassures me that he believes in me, that I'll have him to lean on if I get scared or overwhelmed, but I can't help but stew in anxiety about whether I'm going to be good enough to do this. I feel like I've just pulled the world's wildest con of all time, and I'm going to be found out as a fraud, as ridiculous as it sounds.

Congratulations. I'm working 50 hour weeks, caring for a sick person in my life, and doing grad school. I'm also pretty old. And obviously since I'm here I want to CTB. I think if I can do it you can too. I also feel like a total imposter despite working in the same field I'm getting the degree in for over 15 years. Just take it one assignment at a time and schedule in time to do some fun things.
I feel like I have really fucked things up for real this time. I am so malnourished that my hair is falling out and my nails aren't growing anymore. I'm having a hard time hiding my messed upness and believe people have to see that things aren't good but just don't care. My filter is broken and I keep saying things I shouldn't and wouldn't if I was slightly sane. Today I told a coworker I want to disappear. Ugh. I'm terrified that I'm close to collapsing and then I won't have any control over what happens. But I just can't stop doing things that are bad for me. I just want to be gone. Poof.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel so happy right now! We just won the 4 Nations Face-Off!

 

[sukiduki]

i feel like a loser for posting on this thread kinda often but i don't feel like i have anywhere else to fully express my thoughts and feelings. i feel so alone rn. idk if it'll get better. part of me wants to die in the comfort of my own bed, but i worry it's the wrong thing to do to my family to make them find me dead. but dying in a hotel seems lonely. well either way i am lonely. i wish it weren't like this but it's always been this way. i've lost hope. idk if i ever truly had it. idk idk idk