ChiseHatori
Student
- Mar 2, 2023
- 103
I just feel so fucking empty right now. I finally felt a little joy lately - I got into 3D modeling/sculpting, and I was so happy I could be creative again. Previously, I had to take a hiatus from art due to a lack of motivation and carpal tunnel. But I got a new spark with modeling, and I could do it with my mouse which gave me much less pain than the tablet pen.
But the pain is back, and my loss of motivation is back as well. My models just don't look as good.
And other people will always make shit way better than I ever could anyway. How do you overcome that feeling? I know it's a common issue among artists, comparing yourself. But it especially compounds when you want to CTB, and you feel like art is your only small worth in this world.
Adding to that, I'm surrounded by people so much kinder and more talented and/or skilled than me. Smarter than me. I have learning disabilities and autism, I hate that I feel like I'm always on a different level than my peers.
I also tend to lock myself away, a habit developed kindly in part due to my abusive family who essentially sheltered me in my own room for a good portion of my life. Removed me from school as well, made me learn everything by myself. Which didn't help my educational issues at all.
I feel like I need to be reborn and just start over. I'm both privileged and not. So I feel both guilty and pity for myself somehow, and I hate that. I hate myself.
This is all my incomprehensible rant.
I'm lonely even when I'm around people. I can't live in the moment due to the fucking PTSD and DPDR and the alienation from the fucking autism. I don't know if I feel joy or if I'm pretending to sometimes, and that's sad. Perhaps it's normal, I wouldn't know.
I feel like sobbing, yet my tears have run dry. I used to cry almost daily for a while... I kind of miss being able to get it all out. Now it does sometimes comes out in long bursts of uncontrollable tears every month or so. But it never happens when I need it to.
I don't know what else to say. I might delete this later since it's not really in my character. I'm really tired. I want to be held.
But the pain is back, and my loss of motivation is back as well. My models just don't look as good.
And other people will always make shit way better than I ever could anyway. How do you overcome that feeling? I know it's a common issue among artists, comparing yourself. But it especially compounds when you want to CTB, and you feel like art is your only small worth in this world.
Adding to that, I'm surrounded by people so much kinder and more talented and/or skilled than me. Smarter than me. I have learning disabilities and autism, I hate that I feel like I'm always on a different level than my peers.
I also tend to lock myself away, a habit developed kindly in part due to my abusive family who essentially sheltered me in my own room for a good portion of my life. Removed me from school as well, made me learn everything by myself. Which didn't help my educational issues at all.
I feel like I need to be reborn and just start over. I'm both privileged and not. So I feel both guilty and pity for myself somehow, and I hate that. I hate myself.
This is all my incomprehensible rant.
I'm lonely even when I'm around people. I can't live in the moment due to the fucking PTSD and DPDR and the alienation from the fucking autism. I don't know if I feel joy or if I'm pretending to sometimes, and that's sad. Perhaps it's normal, I wouldn't know.
I feel like sobbing, yet my tears have run dry. I used to cry almost daily for a while... I kind of miss being able to get it all out. Now it does sometimes comes out in long bursts of uncontrollable tears every month or so. But it never happens when I need it to.
I don't know what else to say. I might delete this later since it's not really in my character. I'm really tired. I want to be held.
