I feel somewhat anxious eeven being here. I can only log into this site when I'm drunk (I made my account when I was drunk too) because labelling myself as "suicidal" feels somewhat bad even if I can't deny that I;ve always seeked out dying and kind of wanted to die, even when I was young. Sometimes I feel like I love the world and sometimes I feel like I hate it. I want to do more but I alwasy feel so stuck in fucking place. Over and over and over and over. Other people are terrifying. I want to be around people and have relationships but I feel incapable of it.
I hate sounding like a fucking incel but I'm a 20 y.o. virgin and I've never had a gf before (granted I'm a lesbian and I've known that since I was like 14 which makes it a little harder but I live in a very progressive area so that's not really an excuse lol) and it seriously feels fucking embarrassing watching everyone else be able to form sexual/romantic realtionships so easily whereas I'm barely even attracted to anyone and the rare occasions I am it doesn't go well. Socially I'm fucked. i'm in visuyal art so career-wise (and student debt-wise) I'm fucked too but sometimes I feel that honestly if I could be genuinely loved and come home every night to someone who I felt really understood and cared aboiut me I wouldn't even fucking care if I had to work at Domino's for the rest of my life. But I feel incapable of that. This isn't the only thing wrong in my life but it feels like kind of an exemplary thing. Like a microcosm of everything else that sucks.
There's a quote from the Yukio Mishima novel Confessions of A Mask (I don't like him politically obviously but he was a great novelist) that goes like this: "As I have remarked several times, the future was a heavy burden for me. From the very beginning, life had oppressed me with a heavy sense of duty. Even though I was clearly incapable of performing this duty, life still nagged at me for my dereliction. Thus I longed for the great sense of relief that death would surely bring if only, like a wrestler, I could wrench the heavy weight of life from my shoulders."
I hate sounding like a fucking incel but I'm a 20 y.o. virgin and I've never had a gf before (granted I'm a lesbian and I've known that since I was like 14 which makes it a little harder but I live in a very progressive area so that's not really an excuse lol) and it seriously feels fucking embarrassing watching everyone else be able to form sexual/romantic realtionships so easily whereas I'm barely even attracted to anyone and the rare occasions I am it doesn't go well. Socially I'm fucked. i'm in visuyal art so career-wise (and student debt-wise) I'm fucked too but sometimes I feel that honestly if I could be genuinely loved and come home every night to someone who I felt really understood and cared aboiut me I wouldn't even fucking care if I had to work at Domino's for the rest of my life. But I feel incapable of that. This isn't the only thing wrong in my life but it feels like kind of an exemplary thing. Like a microcosm of everything else that sucks.
There's a quote from the Yukio Mishima novel Confessions of A Mask (I don't like him politically obviously but he was a great novelist) that goes like this: "As I have remarked several times, the future was a heavy burden for me. From the very beginning, life had oppressed me with a heavy sense of duty. Even though I was clearly incapable of performing this duty, life still nagged at me for my dereliction. Thus I longed for the great sense of relief that death would surely bring if only, like a wrestler, I could wrench the heavy weight of life from my shoulders."
