TerminallyBroken
Member
- Jan 26, 2025
- 21
Heartbroken Beyond Repair
Hello everyone, so I don't know if anyone cares but I just thought I'd maybe share one another post.
So it's now been over 2 years since my ex-girlfriend Ariel left me. I knew I screwed it up and I know it's all my fault. I should've been more slow with her, I should've been more emotionally stable with her, I should've let her get better before I confessed my love for her. But either way, she loved me anyway. She was the first girl I came out to about being trans and she was the first to affirm me as her "girlfriend". I will always remember our first kiss. I remember how shy she was because we had just finished our dinner from Red Robin and she was worried about her breath. But I told her I didn't care.
She graced my lips with hers quickly but lovingly. I've never felt that kind of love before. I had a girl once before her but I didn't truly love her like I loved Ariel. But out of nowhere, she rethinks her choice and decides to stay friends and after I come back from rehab, she blocks me and refuses to hear my amends. So I gave up and let her go. But I certainly didn't get over it. It burned and ached for months and I drank to oblivion about it.
Then this past January I meet someone else kinda like her, Lydia, only she was far more outgoing and far more attached to me. I didn't even intend to meet Lydia and it was all by surprise. She was all I'd ever dreamt of. She would call me on video all night on weekends and text me every waking moment she could during the week. Lydia was my best friend and I loved her I guess a lot more than I realized. But she ended up getting a boyfriend and threw me into a tailspin because the whole time she told me she was lesbian and couldn't stand boys. She was so uncomfortable around them and grossed out by them. What a fool I was. She also blocks me out of nowhere but this time not even saying goodbye. Just threw me away and abandoned me like littered trash on the road.
That was the final straw. I've been broken by so many people now that I've given up on talking to anyone. Even my own mom. If you've read my other posts you'll know that I have very little joy as it is and that I have treatment resistant depression. Lydia was my last and remaining reason to live. And she said the same about me tbh. Some crap that was.
Im now highly considering detransitioning and I've already shaved my head. I never really started to begin with. I never got far enough to start HRT. But either way I was one beautiful girl regardless. Now I'm back to my old Cholo self. Bald head, stache and goatee, and my knee-high socks. Tough as nails in the streets of LA. I get more attention from women as a cholo I'll tell you that. But it's not who I wish I could be.
Nevertheless, my heart has been broken beyond repair by evil women and guys too tbh. I've tried being myself, I've tried not being myself. Doesn't work either way. The only thing that helped me was the bottle but a DUI taught me real quick how helpful alcohol truly is in the long run.
It's funny how we say when someone dies of illness that "they're no longer suffering anymore" or "they're in a better place now" or even "they were so sick. God showed mercy." But when it's self-inflicted, it's not seen that way. It's funny how when you're lonely and depressed people are too busy to care or you tell your therapist and they tell you to go to the hospital. But if you're dying of natural causes, people all of the sudden start caring. They drop everything to spend a minute with you and wish you well. Everyone's praying for your recovery and everyone's crying by your bedside begging the doctors to make you better. But they know it's too late. But if you're so depressed and hurt that you're suicidal and SHing they don't truly wanna help.
It's a fucking shame how they reject your love and settle for some abusive loser or turn you down for a hangout or leave you on read while you were alive but once they find out you attempted and succeeded they regret it. "Oh I should've answered them!" "I shouldn't have left them on read" "I should've been nicer to her" "I wish I'da told her how I truly felt about her" but now it's too late and they can't even sit with themselves knowing that.
Point is, it's funny how people care only when it's convenient for them. Funny how we don't know what we have until it's gone. Including people. It's a shame that that's how it is for me but I'm afraid I must choose to either live and die single and celibate and just learn to accept that, or spare myself the years of lonely heartache and torture of my own mind abusing me and go back with my God. Maybe He can send me back to be reborn in a new life that's better for me idk. But I'm so hurt that it literally physically hurts my tummy, chest and head. I can't even breathe without feeling heaviness. Life's too short and too hard to spend another day in this much pain and suffering. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks for reading.
TL;DR
The world and romantic love has broken my heart beyond repair and I'm left so hurt by people that nothing has or will ever heal me. I'm literally just sitting around waiting and hoping for death. But I'd rather just spare myself the years of misery and end it all now.
Hello everyone, so I don't know if anyone cares but I just thought I'd maybe share one another post.
So it's now been over 2 years since my ex-girlfriend Ariel left me. I knew I screwed it up and I know it's all my fault. I should've been more slow with her, I should've been more emotionally stable with her, I should've let her get better before I confessed my love for her. But either way, she loved me anyway. She was the first girl I came out to about being trans and she was the first to affirm me as her "girlfriend". I will always remember our first kiss. I remember how shy she was because we had just finished our dinner from Red Robin and she was worried about her breath. But I told her I didn't care.
She graced my lips with hers quickly but lovingly. I've never felt that kind of love before. I had a girl once before her but I didn't truly love her like I loved Ariel. But out of nowhere, she rethinks her choice and decides to stay friends and after I come back from rehab, she blocks me and refuses to hear my amends. So I gave up and let her go. But I certainly didn't get over it. It burned and ached for months and I drank to oblivion about it.
Then this past January I meet someone else kinda like her, Lydia, only she was far more outgoing and far more attached to me. I didn't even intend to meet Lydia and it was all by surprise. She was all I'd ever dreamt of. She would call me on video all night on weekends and text me every waking moment she could during the week. Lydia was my best friend and I loved her I guess a lot more than I realized. But she ended up getting a boyfriend and threw me into a tailspin because the whole time she told me she was lesbian and couldn't stand boys. She was so uncomfortable around them and grossed out by them. What a fool I was. She also blocks me out of nowhere but this time not even saying goodbye. Just threw me away and abandoned me like littered trash on the road.
That was the final straw. I've been broken by so many people now that I've given up on talking to anyone. Even my own mom. If you've read my other posts you'll know that I have very little joy as it is and that I have treatment resistant depression. Lydia was my last and remaining reason to live. And she said the same about me tbh. Some crap that was.
Im now highly considering detransitioning and I've already shaved my head. I never really started to begin with. I never got far enough to start HRT. But either way I was one beautiful girl regardless. Now I'm back to my old Cholo self. Bald head, stache and goatee, and my knee-high socks. Tough as nails in the streets of LA. I get more attention from women as a cholo I'll tell you that. But it's not who I wish I could be.
Nevertheless, my heart has been broken beyond repair by evil women and guys too tbh. I've tried being myself, I've tried not being myself. Doesn't work either way. The only thing that helped me was the bottle but a DUI taught me real quick how helpful alcohol truly is in the long run.
It's funny how we say when someone dies of illness that "they're no longer suffering anymore" or "they're in a better place now" or even "they were so sick. God showed mercy." But when it's self-inflicted, it's not seen that way. It's funny how when you're lonely and depressed people are too busy to care or you tell your therapist and they tell you to go to the hospital. But if you're dying of natural causes, people all of the sudden start caring. They drop everything to spend a minute with you and wish you well. Everyone's praying for your recovery and everyone's crying by your bedside begging the doctors to make you better. But they know it's too late. But if you're so depressed and hurt that you're suicidal and SHing they don't truly wanna help.
It's a fucking shame how they reject your love and settle for some abusive loser or turn you down for a hangout or leave you on read while you were alive but once they find out you attempted and succeeded they regret it. "Oh I should've answered them!" "I shouldn't have left them on read" "I should've been nicer to her" "I wish I'da told her how I truly felt about her" but now it's too late and they can't even sit with themselves knowing that.
Point is, it's funny how people care only when it's convenient for them. Funny how we don't know what we have until it's gone. Including people. It's a shame that that's how it is for me but I'm afraid I must choose to either live and die single and celibate and just learn to accept that, or spare myself the years of lonely heartache and torture of my own mind abusing me and go back with my God. Maybe He can send me back to be reborn in a new life that's better for me idk. But I'm so hurt that it literally physically hurts my tummy, chest and head. I can't even breathe without feeling heaviness. Life's too short and too hard to spend another day in this much pain and suffering. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks for reading.
TL;DR
The world and romantic love has broken my heart beyond repair and I'm left so hurt by people that nothing has or will ever heal me. I'm literally just sitting around waiting and hoping for death. But I'd rather just spare myself the years of misery and end it all now.
