tired of living but scared to die

[this_is_it]

yesterday i relapsed on my porn addiction after months of being clean. I've been relapsing on sh enough that i uninstalled I Am Sober a week or two ago. basically just giving up. today i wake up after sleeping relatively well for the second night in a row, and all I've felt since i woke up has been sadness and anger. usually doing self care will help put me in a good mood, but after showering, brushing my teeth and doing skincare, i still feel like ass.

I've wanted to just die for awhile now but every method is too risky for my comfort. people can suffer lifelong complications as a result of an attempt, im afraid my boyfriend will leave me or be traumatized by finding my body, and if i attempt and fail, there's no way he'll let me even have the chance to try again. i have no job and no money of my own, so it's not like i can buy anything to ctb with. I'm thinking about putting a hit on myself when i can afford it, but if that happens it'll be far in the future.

I'm so miserable and alone and desperate for someone to help me or put me out of my misery. i can't afford medication, i can't afford therapy, i can't even afford fucking melatonin. every relationship in my life has fucked me up now and more until i became a shell of a person just trying to make everyone else happy. i have no other purpose, no passion, no ambitions. i just want to live and be happy without having to worry about any of this but that's not the way this world works. i can't just live a simple life and enjoy things. i have to practically kill myself working for some corporation that throws food straight in the trash at closing and doesn't pay well enough for all the shit i put up with (or i would have to, if they didn't deny my application in under 12 hours!)

i don't know how anyone can be happy in a world like this. i don't want to do anything anymore i just want to die. oh and I'm trans so just living in this body every day is pure fucking agony and every day i hear people arguing about what rights they think i deserve. advice welcome since i have no other option but to keep suffering through rn

 

[NoOneLovesMiMi]

I thought about putting a hit on myself too.
So this was really comforting to know I'm not the only to have that thought. I'll be attempting in a few days and I'm terrified but this is my chance and I've gotta do it.
I hope whatever you need you get it soon.

 

[StaringIntoAnAbyss]

yesterday i relapsed on my porn addiction after months of being clean. I've been relapsing on sh enough that i uninstalled I Am Sober a week or two ago. basically just giving up. today i wake up after sleeping relatively well for the second night in a row, and all I've felt since i woke up has been sadness and anger. usually doing self care will help put me in a good mood, but after showering, brushing my teeth and doing skincare, i still feel like ass.

I've wanted to just die for awhile now but every method is too risky for my comfort. people can suffer lifelong complications as a result of an attempt, im afraid my boyfriend will leave me or be traumatized by finding my body, and if i attempt and fail, there's no way he'll let me even have the chance to try again. i have no job and no money of my own, so it's not like i can buy anything to ctb with. I'm thinking about putting a hit on myself when i can afford it, but if that happens it'll be far in the future.

I'm so miserable and alone and desperate for someone to help me or put me out of my misery. i can't afford medication, i can't afford therapy, i can't even afford fucking melatonin. every relationship in my life has fucked me up now and more until i became a shell of a person just trying to make everyone else happy. i have no other purpose, no passion, no ambitions. i just want to live and be happy without having to worry about any of this but that's not the way this world works. i can't just live a simple life and enjoy things. i have to practically kill myself working for some corporation that throws food straight in the trash at closing and doesn't pay well enough for all the shit i put up with (or i would have to, if they didn't deny my application in under 12 hours!)

i don't know how anyone can be happy in a world like this. i don't want to do anything anymore i just want to die. oh and I'm trans so just living in this body every day is pure fucking agony and every day i hear people arguing about what rights they think i deserve. advice welcome since i have no other option but to keep suffering through rn

Damn that's tough.
I hope you find peace with life soon

I thought about putting a hit on myself too.
So this was really comforting to know I'm not the only to have that thought. I'll be attempting in a few days and I'm terrified but this is my chance and I've gotta do it.
I hope whatever you need you get it soon.

I wish you best of luck with your decision and I hope that you find peace in whatever you choose

 

[itwillallbeoverr]

It's so hard that we have an innate will to live, hardwired in us even though consciously we don't want to be here anymore. It's like an endless battle and it's a tough one. Instincts to survive are so terrorising