Story The time I missed "the bus"

[Arctic-hare]

Hello. I just wanted to share the story of the most resent time I tried to kms.

It was 2025, I was having a decent time at home messaging my then on and off bf who had decided to try and make things easier on me to get over him by telling me how he could never be with me because I was trans, (Ironic because he found me on a trans dating app) I felt like he was stabbing me with a knife and just twisting the blade while having a casual conversation.

I felt despair, like no one could love me in a romantic way and I wanted to cut myself, but because I had some semblence of survival instinct, I decided the best way to hurt myself was to drink alcohol. So I did, I drank a bottle of wine, then half of another while my ex continued to tell me why and how he could not love me. Now in hindsight, I should have just blocked him but he wanted to be friends because I was just "such an amazing person."

So after a while in my drunken haze I had this moment of "I truly will not find someone." and with that despair, sadness, and just self hate, I gave up. I decided to put on one of my pretty dresses, heels, scribble a note, and then just grab all the medicine I had, putting them into two pill containers. Taking my half full wine bottle I poured some pills in my mouth, drank wine, repeated that and felt sick, the wine was not agreeing with my stomach. (I still regret not vomiting before taking the pills. I doubt it would have been enough) I then laid on my bed, holding the note, wishing it would just end. That is when I vomited, wine and pills spewing out and I just did not care. I laid there in my own sick for sometime before realising "Yes, this did not work…"

I could have just slept and dealt with it in the morning but, I decided to call emergency services and got myself an ambulance. I do not remember much of what happened after that, not many to talk to in the hospital, the nurses did not seem all that interested, nor the doctor.

Cherry on top of all this? The guy just yesterday messaged me. The time before that he was telling me how much he missed me and wanted to try again… So I just blocked him without responding. I don't think he really knows how badly he has damaged me.

 

[Kamaainakupua]

I decided the best way to hurt myself was to drink alcohol. So I did, I drank a bottle of wine, then half of another

They say that drinking is 'suicide on the installment plan', and I got tired of making payments.

The depressant effect, the invariable 'clothing-optional' bar hopping (with attendant legal consequences) all was too much for me. And, yes, it was almost always about a relationship.

No one can really love us until we learn to love ourselves. Before that, she doesn't really love me, she's taking care of me. And I can't love someone else, if I can't love myself. I'm just leeching her love to fill that void.

Luckily, SaSu provides unlimited, unconditional love. We will love you until you can love yourself, and maybe even after that, too.

 

[Arctic-hare]

They say that drinking is 'suicide on the installment plan', and I got tired of making payments.

I can see why they call it that. I luckly do not have a problem with drinking, I do it rarely.

Luckily, SaSu provides unlimited, unconditional love. We will love you until you can love yourself, and maybe even after that, too.

I really do need this. So thank you

 

[Kamaainakupua]

[Trigger Warning: Methods]

I can see why they call it that. I luckly do not have a problem with drinking, I do it rarely.

Very good. I think it's on the list of things not to do, but I've been avoiding looking too closely so I don't get ideas.

(Edit: Found it, kinda buried. Trigger Warning: Methods)

Spoiler: Alcohol Poisoning

Alcohol Poisoning
Especially if you have a tolerance, this will not work. Alcohol poisoning by and large kills people when they suffocate into a soft surface or choke on their own vomit. You will vomit up the alcohol (yes, even with AE).

 

[the_world_is_on_fir]

Hello. I just wanted to share the story of the most resent time I tried to kms.

It was 2025, I was having a decent time at home messaging my then on and off bf who had decided to try and make things easier on me to get over him by telling me how he could never be with me because I was trans, (Ironic because he found me on a trans dating app) I felt like he was stabbing me with a knife and just twisting the blade while having a casual conversation.

I felt despair, like no one could love me in a romantic way and I wanted to cut myself, but because I had some semblence of survival instinct, I decided the best way to hurt myself was to drink alcohol. So I did, I drank a bottle of wine, then half of another while my ex continued to tell me why and how he could not love me. Now in hindsight, I should have just blocked him but he wanted to be friends because I was just "such an amazing person."

So after a while in my drunken haze I had this moment of "I truly will not find someone." and with that despair, sadness, and just self hate, I gave up. I decided to put on one of my pretty dresses, heels, scribble a note, and then just grab all the medicine I had, putting them into two pill containers. Taking my half full wine bottle I poured some pills in my mouth, drank wine, repeated that and felt sick, the wine was not agreeing with my stomach. (I still regret not vomiting before taking the pills. I doubt it would have been enough) I then laid on my bed, holding the note, wishing it would just end. That is when I vomited, wine and pills spewing out and I just did not care. I laid there in my own sick for sometime before realising "Yes, this did not work…"

I could have just slept and dealt with it in the morning but, I decided to call emergency services and got myself an ambulance. I do not remember much of what happened after that, not many to talk to in the hospital, the nurses did not seem all that interested, nor the doctor.

Cherry on top of all this? The guy just yesterday messaged me. The time before that he was telling me how much he missed me and wanted to try again… So I just blocked him without responding. I don't think he really knows how badly he has damaged me.

I did try with an Sunday. Pretty much the same situation as yours but I didn't vomit I just called the ambulance because I was scared. Now I'm trying to get my shit together trough therapy.

 

[sashaisalone]

Hello. I just wanted to share the story of the most resent time I tried to kms.

It was 2025, I was having a decent time at home messaging my then on and off bf who had decided to try and make things easier on me to get over him by telling me how he could never be with me because I was trans, (Ironic because he found me on a trans dating app) I felt like he was stabbing me with a knife and just twisting the blade while having a casual conversation.

I felt despair, like no one could love me in a romantic way and I wanted to cut myself, but because I had some semblence of survival instinct, I decided the best way to hurt myself was to drink alcohol. So I did, I drank a bottle of wine, then half of another while my ex continued to tell me why and how he could not love me. Now in hindsight, I should have just blocked him but he wanted to be friends because I was just "such an amazing person."

So after a while in my drunken haze I had this moment of "I truly will not find someone." and with that despair, sadness, and just self hate, I gave up. I decided to put on one of my pretty dresses, heels, scribble a note, and then just grab all the medicine I had, putting them into two pill containers. Taking my half full wine bottle I poured some pills in my mouth, drank wine, repeated that and felt sick, the wine was not agreeing with my stomach. (I still regret not vomiting before taking the pills. I doubt it would have been enough) I then laid on my bed, holding the note, wishing it would just end. That is when I vomited, wine and pills spewing out and I just did not care. I laid there in my own sick for sometime before realising "Yes, this did not work…"

I could have just slept and dealt with it in the morning but, I decided to call emergency services and got myself an ambulance. I do not remember much of what happened after that, not many to talk to in the hospital, the nurses did not seem all that interested, nor the doctor.

Cherry on top of all this? The guy just yesterday messaged me. The time before that he was telling me how much he missed me and wanted to try again… So I just blocked him without responding. I don't think he really knows how badly he has damaged me.

I've never had a boyfriend. I found every serious relationship I entered post transition to be sapphic T4T. Simply put, I have L rizz with cis people, and I only tend to be interested in the cuter ones. Perhaps my standards are too high? But physical appearance is really important for me to feel anything.

I find this so relatable for that reason. Men are obviously attracted to us, I've been catcalled or even outright sexually harassed on the street before. But they just don't think we're worthy of love, and/or they're ashamed of their attraction, and/or think it will harm their reputation/their own masculine identity to be seen being cute with us.

I also have comorbid Aspergers, BPD, and superior intelligence to most of my peers. Having that on top of being transsexual, it makes dating so incredibly difficult, and I feel so alienated from regular people. "There's many fish in the sea" only applies to 100IQ neurotypical people who belong to the majority ethnicity and religion of their respective social ecosystem.

All that to say, I understand that being yourself will make you more lonely. But part of me holds hope that I have the strength to saunter through life for a little while longer and hopefully the right person romantically or the right people friendship wise will find me when I'm not actively looking. I'm new to this forum, and still figuring out how to connect with other users, but hopefully I have it set up correctly so people can PM request me.

 

[Kamaainakupua]

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[sashaisalone]

[Hidden content]

I created this account last night. I still seem unable to view anyone's profile, including a mutual follower.

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Hopefully that gets resolved soon.

 

[Kamaainakupua]

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[looking4partner]

Just commenting to say that I think it's good that you blocked him and are protecting yourself because using that as the reason why he couldn't be with you after meeting you through an app specifically for meeting trans people seems very mean. And then trying to get back together with you after doing that to you? It is confusing me trying to understand why he would do that but it sounds like he may have some unresolved internal issues and internalized biases that he needs to work through before being able to be in a healthy relationship and that not having worked through whatever those are is going to cause other people to get hurt emotionally because of it.

I also hope that I am understanding the post correctly because there are a couple points I am a bit confused by. For example, 'deciding to make it easier on you'. I am just struggling a little with telling if this is sort of intended to be a sarcastic sentence or something you both agreed upon. (Which it doesn't sound like the latter option is what happened, but I have seen some posts of people talking about self-harming on here who seem like they would do that and agree to it with someone. But I also just have trouble understanding social dynamics sometimes or what a sentence means.)

And then at the end how he was saying he wanted to try again. Maybe it's just because I would be very confused if I was in your situation. Anyway, it does seem that the relationship was an emotionally unhealthy dynamic (referring to his actions, this was not intended to be judging what happened on your side. I have difficulty wording things in the way that I want them and my intended message to come across.)

Relationships in general can be so complicated. And a lot of people have unresolved issues that then affect them or haven't had an example of a healthy relationship and what it looks like modeled for them in their life. Then, if you add in mental health struggles that lead us here and it can make them even more difficult because of how they can cause self doubt or fear about being vulnerable and increase in anxiety and depression caused by rejection and comments from the partner which makes things even more difficult. This is sort of referring to a situation that I'm in but just expressing that I can relate to what you're saying.

I wish relationships could be a little bit easier.

And I think it is healthier that he's not in your life anymore right now because his whole rollercoaster of meeting you through a trans app -which I'm guessing is designed specifically to have the opportunity to meet trans people to date (I haven't really used dating apps) -, then using that as the reason/excuse to explain why he could never actually be with you, then wanting to still be friends though because he thinks you're an amazing person, then wanting to try a relationship again, likely without having worked through his internal issues that led to his separation in the first place (and Idk everything about what happened but I also did not hear that he apologized about the emotional pain he put you through) is making me feel stressed out just hearing about & imagining it so I can only imagine how actually going through it and experiencing that would feel.

 

[Arctic-hare]

I also hope that I am understanding the post correctly because there are a couple points I am a bit confused by. For example, 'deciding to make it easier on you'. I am just struggling a little with telling if this is sort of intended to be a sarcastic sentence or something you both agreed upon.

He decided that it would be easier for me to move on if he made me hate him... it worked. But then he wanted to try again after.

And then at the end how he was saying he wanted to try again. Maybe it's just because I would be very confused if I was in your situation. Anyway, it does seem that the relationship was an emotionally unhealthy dynamic (referring to his actions, this was not intended to be judging what happened on your side. I have difficulty wording things in the way that I want them and my intended message to come across.)

No, you're fine. It was very unhealthy and I should have shut him down sooner and more forcefully but desperation and depression do shit.

(and Idk everything about what happened but I also did not hear that he apologized about the emotional pain he put you through) is making me feel stressed out just hearing about & imagining it so I can only imagine how actually going through it and experiencing that would feel.

Thanks. He did apologise, but it was insane for him to keep messaging me after I blocked him the time I mentioned... He messaged me on the dating app telling me not to block him because "I didn't come here for you this time, just looking for a trans wifey hahaha" that is a direct quote from the message. The cherry, he then blocked me when I told him I was not interested in being in any form of contact with him.