I already know that this post is going to be quite pathetic. So sorry in advance for being such a stupid drama queen.
As the title suggests I seem to have messed with my health by poor decision-making.
I am currently travelling, but had the bad luck to get a really bad flu at the beginning of May. First it seemed not to be too bad, but after already feeling better I suddenly got a really sore throat. Looking back at it I can see that I probably should have given my body more rest, but at the time I didn't realize and simply got angry as I thought being reasonable and not drinking alcohol while being sick was useless (in the 4 months prior I had developped an unhealthy habit of drinking way too much, although I didn't drink daily and am not physically addicted). So out of anger and frustration I was like "Ok, fuck it let's just get drunk". Obviously this made things much worse, the sore throat turned into laryngitis and I got a fever and was generally really sick. As I already had had laryngitis once a couple years previously I knew what you are supposed to do, if you have laryngitis. So I pulled myself together, stayed about 10 days in a hostel that was relatively empty, completely avoided talking, drinking alcohol and even coffee. And I was extremely careful about going back to being active and talking again for another week after that. Eventually everything was normal again.
However at that point I became really worried, because my boy-friend who is currently in our home country didn't answer messages or even come on online for over a week. Actually this happens often that he is not online for days on end (although rarely 10 days like this time) as he is almost permanently taking amphetamines and then forgets everything else. But still after over a week of not hearing from him I became paranoid that something could have happened to him, that maybe he died unexpectedly or something. I tried to tell myself that at his age it's highly unlikely to suddenly die, even looked up the statistics, but to no avail. Although I had had this same experience various times with him always just being at home either on amphetamines or sleeping to recover from them I am still worried every time. I think it also has something to do with the fact that his brother has a heart condition that requires him to have a pacemaker (although he is only in his 30s ). The condition is genetic, i.e. my boy-friend has a higher risk of also having it.
Anyway after worrying for several days and not being able to calm myself I decided to have a drink again. In general I use drugs and especially vaping Cannabis a lot to deal with difficult situations. In the country I am in this is not an option as Cannabis is highly illegal. As I had felt in good health for a week and even long conversations felt ok again I didn't think much of drinking alcohol. However, I woke up after only 4 hours of sleep not being able to go back to sleep. And I had a sore throat again. In the end I decided to use a OTC drug that contains a mix of dihydrocodeine, caffeine and some other stuff against cold which I can't remember in order to get high from the dihydrocodeine and forget the whole thing. Probably that also contributed to things getting worse again.
After that I had a sore throat again and although I didn't completely lose my voice again talking feels painful after a while again. That was over a week ago and although things seemed to improve it still is not good and I guess I am talking too much, but I just can't deal with being completely socially isolated. In the meantime my boy-friend sent me a few messages and then was offline again. He doesn't seem to care in the least for me. (I had told him multiple times that it hurts and scares me, if he just ignores everything for a week or even longer, but he doesn't change).
I am really desperate now. If I were at home I would probably see a doctor , but here I don't have health insurance (although I could pay for a doctor visit myself, but I am worried about the language barrier and that a doctor will probably also not be able to do much) and even at home I don't have health insurance any more and if I were to go back I would need to stay at my boy-friend's place till I find my own appartment. And although he agreed to let me stay there beforehand I am really worried that he will kick me out leaving me essentially homeless. Currently I just wish to have my own place where I can heal, but going back and trying to find an apartment , dealing with the burocracy to get back into health insurance and claiming unemployment benefits just feels too much at the moment. I'm at a complete loss at what to do. I don't want to be in a foreign country as I seem not to be able to recover from my sickness here, but I suspect that if I go back and put myself at my boy-friend's mercy I may make my situation even worse tthan it is.
I also hate myself so much as I have obviously put myself in this situation by being so stupid and always taking wrong decisions. Not only now, but also in giving up my apartment for travel (even if I have done the same earlier in life without complications) and I just feel so worthless as my boy-friend can't even be bothered to message me every few days despite him having lots of free time and knowing that I am in a bad way right now.
As the title suggests I seem to have messed with my health by poor decision-making.
I am currently travelling, but had the bad luck to get a really bad flu at the beginning of May. First it seemed not to be too bad, but after already feeling better I suddenly got a really sore throat. Looking back at it I can see that I probably should have given my body more rest, but at the time I didn't realize and simply got angry as I thought being reasonable and not drinking alcohol while being sick was useless (in the 4 months prior I had developped an unhealthy habit of drinking way too much, although I didn't drink daily and am not physically addicted). So out of anger and frustration I was like "Ok, fuck it let's just get drunk". Obviously this made things much worse, the sore throat turned into laryngitis and I got a fever and was generally really sick. As I already had had laryngitis once a couple years previously I knew what you are supposed to do, if you have laryngitis. So I pulled myself together, stayed about 10 days in a hostel that was relatively empty, completely avoided talking, drinking alcohol and even coffee. And I was extremely careful about going back to being active and talking again for another week after that. Eventually everything was normal again.
However at that point I became really worried, because my boy-friend who is currently in our home country didn't answer messages or even come on online for over a week. Actually this happens often that he is not online for days on end (although rarely 10 days like this time) as he is almost permanently taking amphetamines and then forgets everything else. But still after over a week of not hearing from him I became paranoid that something could have happened to him, that maybe he died unexpectedly or something. I tried to tell myself that at his age it's highly unlikely to suddenly die, even looked up the statistics, but to no avail. Although I had had this same experience various times with him always just being at home either on amphetamines or sleeping to recover from them I am still worried every time. I think it also has something to do with the fact that his brother has a heart condition that requires him to have a pacemaker (although he is only in his 30s ). The condition is genetic, i.e. my boy-friend has a higher risk of also having it.
Anyway after worrying for several days and not being able to calm myself I decided to have a drink again. In general I use drugs and especially vaping Cannabis a lot to deal with difficult situations. In the country I am in this is not an option as Cannabis is highly illegal. As I had felt in good health for a week and even long conversations felt ok again I didn't think much of drinking alcohol. However, I woke up after only 4 hours of sleep not being able to go back to sleep. And I had a sore throat again. In the end I decided to use a OTC drug that contains a mix of dihydrocodeine, caffeine and some other stuff against cold which I can't remember in order to get high from the dihydrocodeine and forget the whole thing. Probably that also contributed to things getting worse again.
After that I had a sore throat again and although I didn't completely lose my voice again talking feels painful after a while again. That was over a week ago and although things seemed to improve it still is not good and I guess I am talking too much, but I just can't deal with being completely socially isolated. In the meantime my boy-friend sent me a few messages and then was offline again. He doesn't seem to care in the least for me. (I had told him multiple times that it hurts and scares me, if he just ignores everything for a week or even longer, but he doesn't change).
I am really desperate now. If I were at home I would probably see a doctor , but here I don't have health insurance (although I could pay for a doctor visit myself, but I am worried about the language barrier and that a doctor will probably also not be able to do much) and even at home I don't have health insurance any more and if I were to go back I would need to stay at my boy-friend's place till I find my own appartment. And although he agreed to let me stay there beforehand I am really worried that he will kick me out leaving me essentially homeless. Currently I just wish to have my own place where I can heal, but going back and trying to find an apartment , dealing with the burocracy to get back into health insurance and claiming unemployment benefits just feels too much at the moment. I'm at a complete loss at what to do. I don't want to be in a foreign country as I seem not to be able to recover from my sickness here, but I suspect that if I go back and put myself at my boy-friend's mercy I may make my situation even worse tthan it is.
I also hate myself so much as I have obviously put myself in this situation by being so stupid and always taking wrong decisions. Not only now, but also in giving up my apartment for travel (even if I have done the same earlier in life without complications) and I just feel so worthless as my boy-friend can't even be bothered to message me every few days despite him having lots of free time and knowing that I am in a bad way right now.
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