SlumberPunch
New Member
- Feb 24, 2023
- 2
this would be my first time writing here and im nervous so bear with me. also, english is not my first language so this might not be well written at all, i just wanted to vent.
there are thoughts that never left my mind. i had a miserable childhood and i still feel the impact of it. a mother that never knew how to be a proper mother (she used to hit me and say really nasty stuff to me like "she wishes she had aborted me" ) and my father who i loved very much died when i was 14. i couldn't share many moments with him either since we lived very miles apart so i saw him every few months. i still miss him dearly. the rest of my family took good care of me, they loved me and educated me well, but there was always this lingering sadness inside of me.
FFW to 2023, i discovered my long time partner had a porn addiction that completely shattered my self-esteem, my worth as a human being and my sense of reality. then he started beating me and torturing me psycologically. the trauma of this almost made me end it all.
right now, im in a totally different place and with a lovely partner who says to love me and wants a life with me. i have a job that i hate but it pays the bills. life is supposed to be better!.
but it's not? i still have this lingering sadness inside. i feel extremely tired of everything. there are days i really don't want to wake up and just rest for all eternity. i WANT to be better. WHY can't i be better? i feel like no matter what i do, i will never belong anywhere and i will always be unsatisfied with my life, no matter what i do, no matter where i am or who i'm with. and i can't just speak about this with the people in my life because they'll feel sad and responsible about "fixing" my emotions and then end up exhausted of me (this has happened before). it's not fair to them and they'll hate me for being this ungrateful.
i want to get rid of this feeling and of those ideas. im really tired of this, tired of life and how difficult everything has had to be. i really want to BE better for the people i love. i want to feel like i deserve them.
i just wanted to get this out of my chest
there are thoughts that never left my mind. i had a miserable childhood and i still feel the impact of it. a mother that never knew how to be a proper mother (she used to hit me and say really nasty stuff to me like "she wishes she had aborted me" ) and my father who i loved very much died when i was 14. i couldn't share many moments with him either since we lived very miles apart so i saw him every few months. i still miss him dearly. the rest of my family took good care of me, they loved me and educated me well, but there was always this lingering sadness inside of me.
FFW to 2023, i discovered my long time partner had a porn addiction that completely shattered my self-esteem, my worth as a human being and my sense of reality. then he started beating me and torturing me psycologically. the trauma of this almost made me end it all.
right now, im in a totally different place and with a lovely partner who says to love me and wants a life with me. i have a job that i hate but it pays the bills. life is supposed to be better!.
but it's not? i still have this lingering sadness inside. i feel extremely tired of everything. there are days i really don't want to wake up and just rest for all eternity. i WANT to be better. WHY can't i be better? i feel like no matter what i do, i will never belong anywhere and i will always be unsatisfied with my life, no matter what i do, no matter where i am or who i'm with. and i can't just speak about this with the people in my life because they'll feel sad and responsible about "fixing" my emotions and then end up exhausted of me (this has happened before). it's not fair to them and they'll hate me for being this ungrateful.
i want to get rid of this feeling and of those ideas. im really tired of this, tired of life and how difficult everything has had to be. i really want to BE better for the people i love. i want to feel like i deserve them.
i just wanted to get this out of my chest
