Venting The ONLY thing that would keep me from boarding that bus... is a dream

[Dawn0071111]

Is for a guy that I value, love and am attracted to and respect to look at me and say: "Your the one I've been looking for all my life, I'm so lucky to have you, I could not imagine my life without you, I love you for who you are and I want you to be my wife..."

I'm torn.

I seriously want to just make a SN drink and fall asleep forever---- Or pull that generator cord. but a part of my deep soul weeps that I would have NEVER experinced true love before I died. I feel like I just want to experince it. Even just for a little while...... But I just don't feel like I have it in me to build myself back up after being traumatized last summer.... It's been a year and some of my PTSD has gotten worse.

What do I do?

 

[EmptySteph62]

I think if you really want a shot at experiencing true love you should work for it and do what you can to get there. I think everyone deserves to be truly loved at least once. That being said I understand just wanting out already. Hope whatever you decide to do it works out well for you!!

 

[Dawn0071111]

I think if you really want a shot at experiencing true love you should work for it and do what you can to get there. I think everyone deserves to be truly loved at least once. That being said I understand just wanting out already. Hope whatever you decide to do it works out well for you!!

What do you think working for it means? I have a hard time putting work and love together, I know that may sound weird, but wondering if you wouldnt mind sharing a bit of insight on your comment. :)

 

[who doesn't matter]

Most of us here( at least me) can only dream of a successful and peaceful ctb. If you still have that much hope left within you, then why not give it a shot.

 

[EmptySteph62]

What do you think working for it means? I have a hard time putting work and love together, I know that may sound weird, but wondering if you wouldnt mind sharing a bit of insight on your comment. :)

I just meant putting yourself out there and being open to love and really diving into a relationship instead of possibly holding back in fear or something. Sorry for wording it weird lol

 

[Dawn0071111]

Most of us here( at least me) can only dream of a successful and peaceful ctb. If you still have that much hope left within you, then why not give it a shot.

It's not hope.... Its a dream.. A desire. i don't want it to become hope actually.... because hope I feel will crush me again. I'm not even sure if that makes sense. Why do you say you can only dream of a peaceful CTB ? Do you not have access to the means?

I just meant putting yourself out there and being open to love and really diving into a relationship instead of possibly holding back in fear or something. Sorry for wording it weird lol

Oh I see what you mean.... yeah.... that part....lol. I still feel so attached to the person I want to CTB over..... I fear I may never get that chance again..... even though he was not a good person. I wish so much that I could have the real thing. I think thats my hangup..... It would be awesome to have the few last seconds of my consciousness focused on the fact that I had it..... I could peacefully go.

 

[who doesn't matter]

It's not hope.... Its a dream.. A desire. i don't want it to become hope actually.... because hope I feel will crush me again. I'm not even sure if that makes sense. Why do you say you can only dream of a peaceful CTB ? Do you not have access to the means?

Don't take that on too literally. The summarize what I said, it's just go for what you desire, just once. It might work out for you and I do have an access to pull off my funeral, I just need to get the timing right, hence the dreaming.