bluupup
he/him
- Jun 7, 2026
- 34
Today is the first full day without my best friend alive. It was horrible. I was thinking of cutting for an hour while on the bus to school. My friend (18F) asked what was wrong on the way back home from extended school year. I'm still in school because I failed, hard. She hugged me but I didn't feel anything. I said thanks and went back to vaping and thinking. during class, I broke down crying. I yelled at the teacher and told her that my best friend killed herself and jumped in front of a train. then I ran to the bathroom and laid on the dirty ass floor for an hour and cried and 'talked' to my best friend. I have mixed-type delusional disorder and I convince myself that I can talk to the dead. I spoke 'to her' for an hour and cried about bullshit, and then I had to clean myself up and walk back out into the hall like nothing happened at all. I looked fine after, I always have been able to clean myself up right after meltdowns. I'm good at masking I guess. It was horrible today, I was standing on the edge of a cliff and thinking about jumping today, as I went for a hike. the only thing that stopped me was that my friend was next to me, and I didn't want them to see that. so yeah, day 1 was horrible.
