Nwaru
unhappy egirl
- May 29, 2026
- 10
My life is starting to become more and more serious, and my BPD is going absolutely crazy.
Let me explain.
Hi! I'm a 23-year-old French woman. I've been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend for the past five years. Since last December, I've been living with her and her parents.
Long story short, after a falling out with my former best friend, I ended up homeless. Even though my girlfriend and I had only met in person twice before, her family welcomed me into their home and gave me a place to stay while I got back on my feet.
For the past year, I had been waiting for government assistance due to my inability to work. About two weeks ago, my application was finally approved, and yesterday I received my first payment.
Not only that, but I also received a year's worth of back pay, which amounted to a fairly significant sum of money.
My girlfriend is still waiting for her own application to be processed, but as we had discussed and planned for months, I immediately started looking for apartments once my benefits came through. I created a Google document to organize and compare our options, and we've already started taking our first steps with an organization that helps young adults become independent.
And that's where things start to weigh on me.
This was always the plan. We talked about it for months. We knew it would happen eventually.
But despite the fact that I trust my girlfriend completely, none of it felt real.
I don't know how to explain it.
It just didn't feel real.
Maybe my brain convinced itself that it was too good to be true. Maybe it's some kind of defense mechanism to protect me from disappointment or prepare me for failure.
But ever since we started taking concrete steps toward moving in together, my BPD has gone completely off the rails.
Every night, I wake up from nightmares where my girlfriend abandons me, screams at me, or tells me she never loved me in the first place.
My fear of abandonment has become overwhelming.
I've caught myself thinking about breaking up with her preemptively because I'm convinced she's going to leave me eventually anyway.
I'm also incredibly on edge. The smallest thing can trigger a split, and I find myself consumed with anger over tiny, insignificant details.
My episodes are becoming more frequent and harder to manage.
I'm trying not to let my girlfriend see how bad it's getting because I don't want to worry her, but I desperately need to talk about it.
I know communication is the foundation of every healthy relationship, and normally I talk to her about these kinds of things.
But this?
I can't.
I'm ashamed of myself.
I'm ashamed of my thoughts, my self-destructive tendencies, and most of all, I'm terrified.
I'm afraid she'll think I was never serious about our relationship if she finds out that these are the thoughts I'm having now that everything is becoming real.
I've always given this relationship everything I had.
It's the only relationship where I've ever truly believed that something real, something lasting, could happen.
And yet my brain refuses to accept that possibility.
I've been disappointed so many times in my life. Every time I allowed myself to become attached to someone, every time I started imagining a future, I ended up abandoned and left alone to deal with problems that other people had created.
I'm scared that if I tell her all of this, she'll start doubting whether I really mean what I've always said.
I've never wanted anything as much as the future we've promised each other.
But I'm so convinced that I'm going to ruin everything that sometimes I wonder if I'm already doing it without realizing it.
I love her so much.
She's the only reason I've ever been able to imagine a future for myself.
I've never been interested in life. Not in having a future, not in building a dream life—none of it ever mattered to me.
I've spent years trying not to be here anymore, and all those attempts ever gave me were consequences I still carry today.
But with her, I feel okay.
Genuinely okay.
I sleep properly.
I eat properly.
I breathe properly.
For the first time in my life, those things feel real.
She understands things that nobody should reasonably be expected to understand.
She pays attention to me.
She took the time to learn about my disorders so she could help me manage them better.
She's the only person who has never blamed me for struggling and never invalidated my feelings.
Even if I burst into tears because I can't find a sock, she doesn't laugh at me.
She just stays with me.
The fact that I'm here writing this probably proves that I'm not mentally stable right now.
But if I'm going to live, I want it to be with her.
And I'm terrified of ruining everything because I can't bring myself to tell her what's really going on inside my head.
Let me explain.
Hi! I'm a 23-year-old French woman. I've been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend for the past five years. Since last December, I've been living with her and her parents.
Long story short, after a falling out with my former best friend, I ended up homeless. Even though my girlfriend and I had only met in person twice before, her family welcomed me into their home and gave me a place to stay while I got back on my feet.
For the past year, I had been waiting for government assistance due to my inability to work. About two weeks ago, my application was finally approved, and yesterday I received my first payment.
Not only that, but I also received a year's worth of back pay, which amounted to a fairly significant sum of money.
My girlfriend is still waiting for her own application to be processed, but as we had discussed and planned for months, I immediately started looking for apartments once my benefits came through. I created a Google document to organize and compare our options, and we've already started taking our first steps with an organization that helps young adults become independent.
And that's where things start to weigh on me.
This was always the plan. We talked about it for months. We knew it would happen eventually.
But despite the fact that I trust my girlfriend completely, none of it felt real.
I don't know how to explain it.
It just didn't feel real.
Maybe my brain convinced itself that it was too good to be true. Maybe it's some kind of defense mechanism to protect me from disappointment or prepare me for failure.
But ever since we started taking concrete steps toward moving in together, my BPD has gone completely off the rails.
Every night, I wake up from nightmares where my girlfriend abandons me, screams at me, or tells me she never loved me in the first place.
My fear of abandonment has become overwhelming.
I've caught myself thinking about breaking up with her preemptively because I'm convinced she's going to leave me eventually anyway.
I'm also incredibly on edge. The smallest thing can trigger a split, and I find myself consumed with anger over tiny, insignificant details.
My episodes are becoming more frequent and harder to manage.
I'm trying not to let my girlfriend see how bad it's getting because I don't want to worry her, but I desperately need to talk about it.
I know communication is the foundation of every healthy relationship, and normally I talk to her about these kinds of things.
But this?
I can't.
I'm ashamed of myself.
I'm ashamed of my thoughts, my self-destructive tendencies, and most of all, I'm terrified.
I'm afraid she'll think I was never serious about our relationship if she finds out that these are the thoughts I'm having now that everything is becoming real.
I've always given this relationship everything I had.
It's the only relationship where I've ever truly believed that something real, something lasting, could happen.
And yet my brain refuses to accept that possibility.
I've been disappointed so many times in my life. Every time I allowed myself to become attached to someone, every time I started imagining a future, I ended up abandoned and left alone to deal with problems that other people had created.
I'm scared that if I tell her all of this, she'll start doubting whether I really mean what I've always said.
I've never wanted anything as much as the future we've promised each other.
But I'm so convinced that I'm going to ruin everything that sometimes I wonder if I'm already doing it without realizing it.
I love her so much.
She's the only reason I've ever been able to imagine a future for myself.
I've never been interested in life. Not in having a future, not in building a dream life—none of it ever mattered to me.
I've spent years trying not to be here anymore, and all those attempts ever gave me were consequences I still carry today.
But with her, I feel okay.
Genuinely okay.
I sleep properly.
I eat properly.
I breathe properly.
For the first time in my life, those things feel real.
She understands things that nobody should reasonably be expected to understand.
She pays attention to me.
She took the time to learn about my disorders so she could help me manage them better.
She's the only person who has never blamed me for struggling and never invalidated my feelings.
Even if I burst into tears because I can't find a sock, she doesn't laugh at me.
She just stays with me.
The fact that I'm here writing this probably proves that I'm not mentally stable right now.
But if I'm going to live, I want it to be with her.
And I'm terrified of ruining everything because I can't bring myself to tell her what's really going on inside my head.
