Suicidal feelings always occur in waves for me

[ClownW0rld]

It's never that I am constantly suicidal or depressed. Suicidal ideation always happens when I'm in a depressed headspace or having a bad day and all the negative emotion builds up and I feel so frustrated and suicidal. Once it blows over however, I feel better until the cycle eventually repeats itself.

 

[jodes2]

Yeah it's annoying at best. Just gotta keep ploughing on. Little distractions help. Pushing yourself to engage in positive activities, whatever precious few there are

 

[novem]

It means things are not at worst or constantly bad yet and a sprinkle of serotonin can bring you back to life.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Does that help in a way? Knowing that the old chesnut 'this time will pass' phrase is likely true in your case? Are your periods of depression very long lasting? Do the good times still make up for the bad?

I hope- if your will to live is still actually strong- and that these thoughts feel intrusive- rather than normal- that you can find a way to diminish these dark times.

 

[Bardo]

I understand totally. I wash the dishes or clean an area of my my place when down to feel like I'm accomplishing something productive and symbolically scrubbing myself and getting rid of the past and future obsessive thoughts and feelings.

I also work on dis-identifying from those thoughts through attaining the position of watching the thoughts but not owning them as "me" or "mine". There's also mantra repetition. Just take any two nonsense syllable and mentally repeat in your head for 20-30 min., twice a day. I mentally hear "SO" on inhalation and "HUM" on outbreath.

You can also do audible chanting. Don't be surprised at the results. Though I'm an atheist, I swear there's something to it. At least it gives the conscious mind something to chew on.A good luck mantra, for example, is "Om sharavana bhavaya namaha"; one for ridding oneself of past karma is "Shivaya namaha maakaral" as well as one to allegedly remove karma and make way for the new: "Om shreem kleem namah shivaya". Just try for ten to fifteen min. at a time.


This is all perhaps rubbish, but I've had some very good luck out of the blue and if it's all magical thinking, then so be it. Worth a try just to quiet the chatter in the mind though. One thing is when the darkness hits I find it important to engage the body and get out of the head, thus a walk (or limp), cleaning, cooking, food prep. Sorry if I digressed and went far afield.

 

[ExtraItem]

Yeah I also get this quite a bit. Sometimes I'm in a depressive rut where all I want to do is ctb and then other times It's less so but I wouldn't mind. Kind of like having a favourite food. I always like it or the idea of having it but sometimes I crave it and sometimes I'm a little more apathetic because I'm not hungry or eating something else (doing an activity or I've got a goal or something long-term that I want to accomplish first). When I'm done or can't finish, it's back to wanting to ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound tiring what you have to go through, I could never understand what that must be like as pretty much all of my waking moments are spent wishing to die. But I really do believe that there is no real relief from suffering in this world.