Cress
Arcanist
- Oct 15, 2023
- 437
I haven't really been on this website very much The pain of talking with some of you and seeing Some of you die really took a toll on me. However, all I can think about today is Drinking my SN. Thought maybe it might help to be able to talk to some of you again in an unrestricted way. Fasted the whole day to clear up my stomach. It's a very strange feeling when you finally do eat something. If you decide to bail on an attempt. You know that you're losing access To drinking your SN for at least 24 hours.
I have small fiber neuropathy It's a neurological degenerative condition that eats away at your nerves. It eats away and tears open nerves in my Hands and limbs And face. Including causing severe photosensitivity in my eyes. Basically I have an immune system that never shuts off properly. If you ever wondered why your immune system needs time to warm up And doesn't have an army at the ready at all times. I'm a pretty good example why. It does more harm than good and starts attacking Random things in your body Like nerves.
I'm not gonna go into all the things Is that the condition causes However needless to say, it's kind of ruined my life. Yes, I have access to government assistance for it And I'm getting weekly treatment for it. However severe enough where daily life is horrible. I'm limited in what I can do with my hands And my nerves for temperature control are totally destroyed. My limbs cook themselves if they aren't constantly cooled down. Through water or air conditioning. I've spent an insane amount of time alone in my room Immersed in depression, I guess. I pretty much live on my computer. Although I guess a lot of you can probably relate To being terminally online.
I met a friend three years ago. They struggled with suicidal ideation just as bad as me. Originally we just supported each other. I actually really enjoyed talking with this person. Which for me is sort of an oddity 'cause I never really enjoy talking to people for very long. We had a lot of commonalities with our struggles of mental health. Usually two people with that attribute dating is a bad combination. However I never really got toxic between us. There is always a feeling of striving for positivity. As well as our communication flows pretty naturally. It feels like a very odd occurrence for two people to meet with this level of compatibility. I feel very lucky to have met this person and I feel like they're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
To be honest, I've been trying to avoid talking about suicide with them Even though they're supportive. I could see the last time I talked about it at length A few months ago, they were legitimately heartbroken. They have their own suicidal ideation of their own and I try to do my best to support them. However, I feel like my episodes are far worse. I guess it's a lot easier for people to be impartial And talk about mental health When they're just friends. Being in a relationship adds a whole other element to it. You don't want to hurt the other person and you in a way want to keep going. For their sake As well as yours, I guess.
My feelings are all over the place and very conflicted. I would love to spend the rest of my life with this person However, at the same time. I also think about Popping open my SN kit and drinking it. Vomiting a few times and slowly going to sleep. I don't know if I should say goodbye And thank them for all of the positive experiences or just do it Without saying anything. I don't know exactly what effect my death would have on them, but there is the Very real possibility that they might take their Life If they found out that I passed away. My life potentially accounts for two, which is something that sort of tears me up On the inside and it's very hard to Cope with. When you depressed and alone, you think about what it would be like to have a good friend or relationship. A person that would always be there for you. However, when that dream actually becomes a reality You realize just how badly your feelings of suicide could Devastate someone.
The Friendship started off with Both of us knowing about our severe mental health struggles. So I guess both of us knew what we were getting into But man, I'm declining so badly And at the same time, I probably don't deserve this person. Assuming they're able to cope with not having me in their life In the short term, they probably are better off without me in the long term. I feel pretty hopeless that my medical conditions will get better. As well as my depression and suicidal ideation seems to get worse The older I get. There's a lot of people kicking in the bucket in their 40s and 50s. No longer able to cope with their suicidal ideation. The same way they could in their youth. I still have a little ways to go, but I think that will ultimately be my fate. I'm just prolonging The inevitable trying to survive one more day or one more week.
I have small fiber neuropathy It's a neurological degenerative condition that eats away at your nerves. It eats away and tears open nerves in my Hands and limbs And face. Including causing severe photosensitivity in my eyes. Basically I have an immune system that never shuts off properly. If you ever wondered why your immune system needs time to warm up And doesn't have an army at the ready at all times. I'm a pretty good example why. It does more harm than good and starts attacking Random things in your body Like nerves.
I'm not gonna go into all the things Is that the condition causes However needless to say, it's kind of ruined my life. Yes, I have access to government assistance for it And I'm getting weekly treatment for it. However severe enough where daily life is horrible. I'm limited in what I can do with my hands And my nerves for temperature control are totally destroyed. My limbs cook themselves if they aren't constantly cooled down. Through water or air conditioning. I've spent an insane amount of time alone in my room Immersed in depression, I guess. I pretty much live on my computer. Although I guess a lot of you can probably relate To being terminally online.
I met a friend three years ago. They struggled with suicidal ideation just as bad as me. Originally we just supported each other. I actually really enjoyed talking with this person. Which for me is sort of an oddity 'cause I never really enjoy talking to people for very long. We had a lot of commonalities with our struggles of mental health. Usually two people with that attribute dating is a bad combination. However I never really got toxic between us. There is always a feeling of striving for positivity. As well as our communication flows pretty naturally. It feels like a very odd occurrence for two people to meet with this level of compatibility. I feel very lucky to have met this person and I feel like they're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
To be honest, I've been trying to avoid talking about suicide with them Even though they're supportive. I could see the last time I talked about it at length A few months ago, they were legitimately heartbroken. They have their own suicidal ideation of their own and I try to do my best to support them. However, I feel like my episodes are far worse. I guess it's a lot easier for people to be impartial And talk about mental health When they're just friends. Being in a relationship adds a whole other element to it. You don't want to hurt the other person and you in a way want to keep going. For their sake As well as yours, I guess.
My feelings are all over the place and very conflicted. I would love to spend the rest of my life with this person However, at the same time. I also think about Popping open my SN kit and drinking it. Vomiting a few times and slowly going to sleep. I don't know if I should say goodbye And thank them for all of the positive experiences or just do it Without saying anything. I don't know exactly what effect my death would have on them, but there is the Very real possibility that they might take their Life If they found out that I passed away. My life potentially accounts for two, which is something that sort of tears me up On the inside and it's very hard to Cope with. When you depressed and alone, you think about what it would be like to have a good friend or relationship. A person that would always be there for you. However, when that dream actually becomes a reality You realize just how badly your feelings of suicide could Devastate someone.
The Friendship started off with Both of us knowing about our severe mental health struggles. So I guess both of us knew what we were getting into But man, I'm declining so badly And at the same time, I probably don't deserve this person. Assuming they're able to cope with not having me in their life In the short term, they probably are better off without me in the long term. I feel pretty hopeless that my medical conditions will get better. As well as my depression and suicidal ideation seems to get worse The older I get. There's a lot of people kicking in the bucket in their 40s and 50s. No longer able to cope with their suicidal ideation. The same way they could in their youth. I still have a little ways to go, but I think that will ultimately be my fate. I'm just prolonging The inevitable trying to survive one more day or one more week.
