Venting Stupid decision-Waiting to see what comes of it

[willitpass]

I nearly passed out several times this morning. I'm so tired and my back really hurts. I'm so thirsty. Gonna take a lot more laxatives. I've been peeing a lot more than I should be for how dehydrated I am and it's clear, so I think my kidneys are really going through it. I am so out of it.

 

[willitpass]

Had a panic attack earlier. I don't know what I look like anymore. Or who I am. All I know is I need to be 50lbs lighter faster than humanly possible and dead sooner than that. It's going to be a long fucking month waiting for this prescription.
I'm so disassociated I don't even recognize where I am. I'm going through the motions to get places but don't recognize what I'm actually looking at. Things look so unfamiliar.

 

[willitpass]

I haven't been able to think straight since last weekend. I don't know if my low heart rate or the hanging did any real long lasting damage but I am starting to think it might have.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

What are your goals? Are you trying to die in a painful way deliberately? Your method doesn't seem to be fast or effective and it seems to be ridiculously painful.

 

[willitpass]

What are your goals? Are you trying to die in a painful way deliberately? Your method doesn't seem to be fast or effective and it seems to be ridiculously painful.

There are multiple posts in this thread answering all of your questions, including the original post.
I don't feel well at all. I'm so shaky. And my joints feel strange, almost jelly like. I feel so strange.
My muscles feel weird.
My whole body is tingling.
Everything is pretty textbook of absolutely fucked electrolytes. I'm sure if I got blood drawn right now I'd be flagging red in almost every column.

 

[ladylazarus4]

does the unwellness ever make you want to stop, even for a second? I'm so sorry that life has come to this for you. I wish there was some way to alleviate your suffering.

 

[willitpass]

Horrible orthostatic hypotension this morning. Every time I stand up my body feels like TV static. I only slept two hours last night. I'm tired.

 

[Tesha]

I'm sorry you seem to be really struggling now. From your writing, you appear to be cognitively declining - I'm not sure if you're still working in your healthcare role, but if you are could you please reconsider that. I'd hate you to make a mistake that could result in someone else potentially being harmed. Apologies if you feel I've overstepped, but I felt I needed to say something.

 

[willitpass]

I'm sorry you seem to be really struggling now. From your writing, you appear to be cognitively declining - I'm not sure if you're still working in your healthcare role, but if you are could you please reconsider that. I'd hate you to make a mistake that could result in someone else potentially being harmed. Apologies if you feel I've overstepped, but I felt I needed to say something.

I've very recently filed for short term disability. I told my manager it was due to physical health problems. By the time everything gets filed and approved I'll probably be dead anyway so the pay cut won't even really have enough time to make a hit. I'm probably going to have to drop out of school and stop driving soon as well. The days I feel well enough to drive are few and far between anymore and I imagine soon I'll have to stop altogether.
I just ate a real hot meal for the first time since Monday. Most people wouldn't consider today or Mondays food a meal exactly but it's hot food and more substantial than just a granola bar. I feel so sick now. I couldn't even finish half of it before I got full and now I'm uncomfortably full now that it's had a bit to settle.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Been following your thread since the beginning but just joined today. Both heartbreaking and inspirational to see how tough you are. Best of luck with however you ultimately want this to go.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so ready for a month from now. I can be free.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Checking in on you, hoping you can find moments of relief in something that brings you comfort while this time passes, we are here for you.

 

[willitpass]

I ate and drank a lot more today and I'm really battling the urge to compensate with laxatives. I have a lot to do tomorrow and need a good nights sleep and to not be glued to the bathroom today, but I can't stand the thought of gaining weight or being well hydrated. What if I've ruined all of my progress?
I feel horrible for the time I'll be leaving. There are a lot of changes going on with a lot of my family, positive and negative. All of them will be fucked up by my death. I know there will never be a good time to CTB for those around me. There's no time that will not fuck them over. But right now is an exceptionally bad time. But I just can't stay. I'm so selfish. And so tired. I'm a bad person.

 

[CatLvr]

I understand. Your eating one or two meals and hydrating a little is not gonna make ruin all the work you've done to this point. Remember by this time organ damage is cumulative. My suggestion is to reward yourself for all the harm you've done to this point. You have earned it.

Take a deep breath, get off the phone or the computer, take a nice warm bath. Put lotion all over, get in something warm (like winter PJs or a gown and socks). Then turn the AC down to some insanely cool temp (around here I use 68F). Drag out your winter comforter and crawl under it. Hopefully you will get a good night's sleep.

Tomorrow is another day closer to your end goal. I know I'm not gonna change your mind about ctb and how you are going about doing it. But I am truly gonna miss you when you are gone.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so angry and desperate today. I know time flies and the month will be over before I know it. Time always seems to go faster and faster and especially so lately with my skewed sense of time with how disassociated I am. But god a month seems to long right now. It's less than a month by now I suppose, but I still just cannot fathom making it another month. I know I can do it, hell I've made it a decade and a half of being suicidal already. But I'm more worn down than I've ever been in my life. And knowing that until I get those meds there really isn't anything I can do is so disheartening. After hanging failed I truly feel stuck. I know if I really wanted to there are other options but I don't know. I don't want to risk fucking up something like full or CO2 or anything when I know that these heart meds have a hell of a good chance. I'm not really in a mental state to put together a whole plan for something I haven't given much mind to right now, probably best to stick with the current plan even if living another month is the last thing I want to do.

 

[willitpass]

I've been thinking this morning about where I'll do it. I really would rather not do it in my apartment. The only reason I tried last time was because I was doing it on a whim. I don't want it to be someone I care coming to check up on me and finding me. I wouldn't really want to risk driving somewhere and doing it in my car. I can't think of somewhere remote enough that isn't going to get me towed and has a next to 0 chance of someone happening upon me. I really think it's best to get a hotel. Maybe I can go back to that cheap ass hotel I went to back in the spring when I backed out. Even that isn't really in the budget but I truly feel serious about it and am confident it will work this time, so maybe it's worth it. Throw up a curtain with a paper warning about a dead body and maybe I can spare anyone but first responders the sight of my body. And that would allow me to be found soon enough that my cat wouldn't go long unattended. She won't starve in 24-48 hours. I'll leave her with some extra food.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so fucking thirsty. I've made a rule where I can only drink something if I'm compensating for it by taking pain killers or laxatives with it. I'm so thirsty though. Fuck.
Someone just stopped me to ask if I'm okay. They said I'm looking really pale and they're worried. Luckily I'd just stopped to drink something and have another god damned granola bar so I was able to tell them I'll be alright just need to have a bit of a snack.

 

[nir]

I'm so fucking thirsty. I've made a rule where I can only drink something if I'm compensating for it by taking pain killers or laxatives with it. I'm so thirsty though. Fuck.
Someone just stopped me to ask if I'm okay. They said I'm looking really pale and they're worried. Luckily I'd just stopped to drink something and have another god damned granola bar so I was able to tell them I'll be alright just need to have a bit of a snack.

How is your wound doing?

 

[willitpass]

How is your wound doing?

Status quo. Nothing has changed. I've kept up with doing my routine just in case something takes but for once my body seems to actually be doing what it's supposed to do. I'm still fairly confident I have something like a staph infection but am asymptomatic though. I'm continuing on in case something happens between now and my prescription refill though.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so thirsty. Maybe since I plan on taking two times the dose of laxatives I've already been taking tonight a little extra drink won't hurt.

 

[CatLvr]

I'm so thirsty. Maybe since I plan on taking two times the dose of laxatives I've already been taking tonight a little extra drink won't hurt.

I don't think it would hurt for you to drink something.

 

[willitpass]

Just took my biggest dose of laxatives yet. Quite nauseous now. Hopefully I don't throw up as that would taste fowl coming back up.

 

[willitpass]

New lowest weight yet again. The pounds are dropping off.

 

[willitpass]

Only good thing about all of this being delayed is that I can get smaller and smaller. There won't be enough time for me to get to where I want to be, but at least I can die at my smallest I've been in my adult life.

 

[willitpass]

I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm so fatigued. Every time I stand up anymore my vision goes black. It's only a matter of time before I actually pass out. My hands and feet are ice cold at all times. My skin is dry. My lips are pale and chapped. There's no light behind my eyes. It seems like I've dropped a full clothing size in a very rapid period of time. I don't know how I'm going to hide this from everyone for a month without someone catching on. I suppose I'll just have to fall back on my physical health problems and assure everyone I'm seeing/contacting my doctor plenty.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Baggy clothes can help hide sudden weight loss. Thinking of you, OP. You are very brave.

 

[willitpass]

My apartments fallen into filth again. I really hate leaving it behind like this but I'm not sure if I'll be able to muster up the energy to clean. All I do anymore is lay around.

 

[willitpass]

I've really become so bitter and jaded. I hate who I am.

I'm chilled to the bone. Can't get warm. My hands are purple, cold, and very shrivelled. Absolute shit cap refill too, but that happens to me a lot, so that doesn't mean much. I am just so cold.

 

[null_blank]

I've really become so bitter and jaded. I hate who I am.

I'm chilled to the bone. Can't get warm. My hands are purple, cold, and very shrivelled. Absolute shit cap refill too, but that happens to me a lot, so that doesn't mean much. I am just so cold.

Still rooting for you c:

 

[willitpass]

I think I might try a fleet enema tomorrow. Quite scared to if I'm honest, but also desperate to cause more harm as well as loose even more weight. Can't say I'm one for sticking things up my ass, but I'm about ready to do anything anymore if it means fucking my body over. They're contraindicated if you're taking another form of laxative already as they can cause worse electrolyte derangements, so here's to making them even worse. I just want to go into a fucking arrhythmia from fucked electrolytes and die. Vfib would be nice.