I'm going to come off as a huge asshole in this post, and I guess I am. hate myself beyond all reason. I am a 400lb virgin in his mid 30s. Never been kissed. Never even held hands. On the outside I pretend to be happy and content. I am the one that makes people laugh. I get people thoughtful gifts. I remember birthdays. I check in on people. No one has EVER done this for me. This year I got ZERO "happy birthdays" on Facebook. What the fuck!? I feel like I have no one. I only have my father, and he fucking hates me too. All we do is fight non-stop. Today he told me, "I wish you had shown me your true colors a long time ago so I could have made a better life decisions for myself." I grew up poor and homeless. I was good in school, now I make hundreds of thousands of dollars, though I work very hard. I hate my fucking job, I hate my life. The money problems don't stop no matter how much you have. I'm too fat to do anything with my money. I can't fit in a god damn airplane seat. It hurts to move, just walking at work. I feel like the thing that would help my life the most is having someone that loves and cares about me, and having children/a family. But No woman will even come near me, and I don't blame them. I'm not attracted to fat women, and don't expect them to be attracted to me.
This is the first time I've truly considered acting on suicidal thoughts. I had a big fight with my dad today, and I guess it made me realize my true colors. I think I do good for people, and I help people... Hell, I dedicated my life to helping others. But if I'm really thinking about it, why do I do this? How did I become this way? I think because it looks good to do those things. It paints me in a good light. I chose this career path, because it pays well and I never wanted to be poor again, and because I thought women may look past my looks if I had a lot of money... wrong. Women don't care how much money you have if you're fat and and ugly. So my dad is correct. My true colors are disgusting. No one else seems to give a fuck about me either, and I don't blame them. So all this to say, strongly considering planning at this point. I have nothing to live for, no one to live for, no prospect at happiness. Just pain, boredom, and anger, and being an asshole. I'd rather see what is on the other side.
This is the first time I've truly considered acting on suicidal thoughts. I had a big fight with my dad today, and I guess it made me realize my true colors. I think I do good for people, and I help people... Hell, I dedicated my life to helping others. But if I'm really thinking about it, why do I do this? How did I become this way? I think because it looks good to do those things. It paints me in a good light. I chose this career path, because it pays well and I never wanted to be poor again, and because I thought women may look past my looks if I had a lot of money... wrong. Women don't care how much money you have if you're fat and and ugly. So my dad is correct. My true colors are disgusting. No one else seems to give a fuck about me either, and I don't blame them. So all this to say, strongly considering planning at this point. I have nothing to live for, no one to live for, no prospect at happiness. Just pain, boredom, and anger, and being an asshole. I'd rather see what is on the other side.
