So tired

[Incandescent]

I'm done. My dreams went up in flames 4 years ago in a manic episode when I successfully destroyed my gpa and every positive relation with every professor who would have supported my dreams of going to grad school. I haven't been manic since then but life hasn't gotten better. I've just been running from the fact that I want nothing and I am running out of places to go. I share a bed with my father (who has parkinson's) in my aunts house now. She doesn't really want me here. My mother doesn't want me either and I call her every week to let her know I resent her for my existence. There is nothing I want. There is no viable path to a life worth living or any kind of economic independence. I'm ready to go. I just dont know how. I don't want someone I know to find my body. I don't want to survive the attempt and live with chronic pain or brain damage. But I don't want to live. I believe this has been a consistent and essentially unchanging view for me for most of my life despite years of trying in therapy. The lack of assisted suicide options in this world for the mentally ill makes me angry beyond words.

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

Yeah it's infuriating, you seem a bit older than I am but I can definitely relate to having dreams of higher education crushed by mental illness. I certainly wish it were way easier to go peacefully and safely

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly is so disgusting and inhumane how people cannot just peacefully free themselves from this existence in a guaranteed way despite the fact that there is no limit as to how much one can suffer endlessly as long as they exist. I understand why you'd feel so tired of it all, it's horrible how people even have to worry about a suicide method failing, if there's the option to just leave in peace it really would be such a relief.