I fully understand the gravity of the situation. For what it's worth, I'm still here for them as of now. I wish I didn't feel like I was going to fail them in life or in death. I know I owe it to them to stay and give them a good foundation to build on, I just feel useless these days and have practically no where to turn, can barely pinpoint my own thoughts and feelings. I know I'm trash for bringing them into this. I just need to get a grip on things, if possible. No word here has gone unread and I will keep trying for them as long as I can.
I have noticed that you are taking in everything. It makes it satisfying to engage with you. You asked questions, and you're acknowledging and working with the responses. There is no wasted effort here, no reason to say, "I did the best I could," and walk away to leave you to it. Some people have a pattern of asking for advice, and when there is overwhelming consensus, doing the absolute opposite, doing the worst for themselves, then demand everyone buy in, support them, and do it all over again with a new situation. Those folks, I gotta leave them to manage their lives in their way, they drain too many resources and don't give anything in return. That's so not happening here. You have a self-awareness that really serves, and an awareness of how folks here are trying to serve because you were vulnerable in asking and you're not shitting out -- turning into garbage -- what is given in response.
In your post I quoted here, the only thing I ask you to consider taking exception to is the idea that you are trash for bringing your children into the world, your former relationship, and your life.
I think that self-negating view makes self-annihilation an option.
It is difficult to heal and grow when one is being condemned. But it can be a catalyst to do so.
We cannot undo things we have done, but we can learn from them, grow, use them as catalysts to become even more the best person that is already within, and in doing so, have increasingly more positive impacts on the reciprocal world in which we exist (and experience better impacts in return). We will always make mistakes, there will always be situations we do not meet with our best potential because we have not yet accessed it; stress is what makes humans reach their untapped potential, not ease. That is a core requirement of evolution that, for good or ill, we cannot change. That is how species survive. I pointed out in my first post that you have potential, and you are actually tapping it with your self-awareness and your willingness to do the work to achieve it. You desire what *is*, not a slot machine. Your children and the world will benefit if you accept what is and use it to grow. Your children and the world will be worse off without you, not better; you will leave a void, not a cure. Once again, don't let me define you. If I am correct, what I perceive will make itself evident.
Perhaps you can love and guide yourself as if you are as precious and needing of yourself as your children are.
I never blow sunshine. I am direct, honest, and sincere. Sometimes I am wrong, and am open to correction when I am. But I promise I would never direct you to a slot machine that will suck you in and take much more than it will ever give, especially not to make myself feel better. Your life is yours to engage with and do with as you choose, feel free to remind me if I ever start to overstep and make it as if it is mine.
