Hello all,
The first paragraph of this is gonna be a massive, poorly written venting session and the second paragraph is gonna be some advice I'd like. Please do just skip the first paragraph if you're not bothered I just kinda wanna get some stuff out lol.
For the past year or so I've been meddling with very unserious thoughts of suicide. A while ago I basically had nobody in my life that I could have proper connections or friendships with other than my family, and I wasn't depressed because I still got enjoyment out of things but I really wanted a better social life. Around 8-9 months ago I met a group of people who I really thought I got along with, more so than almost everyone I'd met past the age of 14. I enjoyed their company, they'd be nice to me and we'd regularly hang out. I also started dating a girl who liked me and who I came to really really like. My relationship with them gradually degraded as my mental health got in the way and I acted irrationally a couple of times after drinking too much. They started doing and saying some really awful things about certain situations and people, and after a while I just didn't feel liked, included, or comfortable with any of them, but I still had such good times with them that I felt my life had really improved. I recently lost every single one of them because of a breakup, assumptions and my irrational behavior. I absolutely hate myself as a person, and it's not for no reason, it's because I have a ludicrous lack of self awareness that results in me coming off as weird and rude without me ever wanting to be. I always phrase my thoughts in really off ways and I can never say what I want to say. I also get incredibly angry at people when I feel people aren't being fair, such as people being condescending, passive aggressive or dismissive to me or other people, which is something that most people can ignore but something that really makes me angrier than it should. The reason my social life is so unsuccessful is because I just come across as abnormal to most people. Now life's gone back to the way it was before I knew all these people, but now I know what I'm missing. I've lost everyone because I'm an idiot. The last month I've decided to end my life because my personality is shit and not something I can change, I've lost almost everyone, and I just can't get any enjoyment out of life anymore. Half of my life is spent thinking about what I've lost, what could of been and just awful memories. A big one is the way that my ex looked at me on one of the last days of our relationship. We used to be so affectionate but I can't even put that look into words, I've just never felt so vile before. Also I am the type of person the world is better without, and I'm saying that from an objective standpoint and not self pity or loathing. I get how pathetic this all sounds, and yeah you're right lol, but I'm gonna end it and this doesn't really matter.
So onto the second part of this post, I don't really see my death as a big deal for myself. I'd rather die than keep living and I think that's incentive enough to just do it. I board from Mondays till Friday evenings, so I'm only home on the weekend. I have a forest near home I want to hang myself in, so I have to wait until the weekend to do it. I've been saying I'm gonna do it 'next weekend' for around 3 weeks now, but I always end up just delaying it till next weekend. My current mental state is that I get neutral enjoyment out of life half of the time, where I'm just watching a show, listening to music or distracting myself, but half of the time I just remember everything I've lost and the person I am and I just become ludicrously miserable. The only thoughts of comfort I get during these times are the idea of me ending my life, and I get genuine excitement for it at the start of the week when I think it's coming. Unfortunately by the time the weekend comes around I just distract myself from everything and sleep every time I feel depressed enough to end it (I want to do it at night because I live with other people). Do you have any advice on how to actually put yourself in the mindset go through with suicide quicker rather than delaying it a bunch? I always end up regretting not doing it. I really want to get it done this coming Saturday/Sunday.
If you've read all of this, thank you!
The first paragraph of this is gonna be a massive, poorly written venting session and the second paragraph is gonna be some advice I'd like. Please do just skip the first paragraph if you're not bothered I just kinda wanna get some stuff out lol.
For the past year or so I've been meddling with very unserious thoughts of suicide. A while ago I basically had nobody in my life that I could have proper connections or friendships with other than my family, and I wasn't depressed because I still got enjoyment out of things but I really wanted a better social life. Around 8-9 months ago I met a group of people who I really thought I got along with, more so than almost everyone I'd met past the age of 14. I enjoyed their company, they'd be nice to me and we'd regularly hang out. I also started dating a girl who liked me and who I came to really really like. My relationship with them gradually degraded as my mental health got in the way and I acted irrationally a couple of times after drinking too much. They started doing and saying some really awful things about certain situations and people, and after a while I just didn't feel liked, included, or comfortable with any of them, but I still had such good times with them that I felt my life had really improved. I recently lost every single one of them because of a breakup, assumptions and my irrational behavior. I absolutely hate myself as a person, and it's not for no reason, it's because I have a ludicrous lack of self awareness that results in me coming off as weird and rude without me ever wanting to be. I always phrase my thoughts in really off ways and I can never say what I want to say. I also get incredibly angry at people when I feel people aren't being fair, such as people being condescending, passive aggressive or dismissive to me or other people, which is something that most people can ignore but something that really makes me angrier than it should. The reason my social life is so unsuccessful is because I just come across as abnormal to most people. Now life's gone back to the way it was before I knew all these people, but now I know what I'm missing. I've lost everyone because I'm an idiot. The last month I've decided to end my life because my personality is shit and not something I can change, I've lost almost everyone, and I just can't get any enjoyment out of life anymore. Half of my life is spent thinking about what I've lost, what could of been and just awful memories. A big one is the way that my ex looked at me on one of the last days of our relationship. We used to be so affectionate but I can't even put that look into words, I've just never felt so vile before. Also I am the type of person the world is better without, and I'm saying that from an objective standpoint and not self pity or loathing. I get how pathetic this all sounds, and yeah you're right lol, but I'm gonna end it and this doesn't really matter.
So onto the second part of this post, I don't really see my death as a big deal for myself. I'd rather die than keep living and I think that's incentive enough to just do it. I board from Mondays till Friday evenings, so I'm only home on the weekend. I have a forest near home I want to hang myself in, so I have to wait until the weekend to do it. I've been saying I'm gonna do it 'next weekend' for around 3 weeks now, but I always end up just delaying it till next weekend. My current mental state is that I get neutral enjoyment out of life half of the time, where I'm just watching a show, listening to music or distracting myself, but half of the time I just remember everything I've lost and the person I am and I just become ludicrously miserable. The only thoughts of comfort I get during these times are the idea of me ending my life, and I get genuine excitement for it at the start of the week when I think it's coming. Unfortunately by the time the weekend comes around I just distract myself from everything and sleep every time I feel depressed enough to end it (I want to do it at night because I live with other people). Do you have any advice on how to actually put yourself in the mindset go through with suicide quicker rather than delaying it a bunch? I always end up regretting not doing it. I really want to get it done this coming Saturday/Sunday.
If you've read all of this, thank you!
