sillyprincessmeow
Member
- Jul 21, 2022
- 73
I hate to be so pessimistic, but I feel like I'll never get better. Lately I found myself just crying and crying, with no motivation or energy to do anything. My family doesn't really care about how I feel and they just expect me to succeed academically and that I'm some type of invincible human that can be pushed to do anything. My family hasn't ever cared about my mental illness and they refuse to allow me to get help. So that part doesn't even matter that much because every other time I've tried to see a therapist, it never really worked out. I've done a lot to try to cope and to mitigate these emotions, but nothing helps. I'm never satisfied, my appearance, intelligence, work performance, social life, even my own hobbies, I just feel so unfulfilled. I have so many half finished projects, and I just really don't like my life. I've been depressed for at least 12 years and not once as it gotten livable. I know people say with time it becomes less of a load to handle because you just get used to it, but I'm constantly shaking and constantly find myself catching my breath. After leaving my abusive ex-boyfriend, it's been about seven months, the last month I've been having reoccurring nightmares about him. I wake up so tired, and then my family gets mad at me because of my lack of motivation. I wish I could tell them about how I feel, but they will never understand. My grandma is a narcissistic, bipolar bitch, and every time I tell her about my suicidal ideation, she tells me to not bring things up like that, and that I should not be pulling "that card". My father doesn't know how to handle my emotions neither, and being under this household it's so difficult because I feel so excluded from my own family, never mind my friends as well.
Often I'm forced to clean the whole house because no one else will, I still have to take care of my younger brother even though I've been doing that since I was five years old, I have to work to supply myself, and I've had too since I was 16 because my grandma uses money as a wager against us. She won't pay for any of my schooling, but still expects me to get into medical school, so I'm just supposed to take the debt? It doesn't make any sense. She barely lets us buy groceries sometimes , or gas for the car, or anything she wants. She always reminds us about how she regrets taking us in, and how we're just stupid kids.
I love my mom and dad, but I don't understand why they would bring me into the world if they were just gonna fuck it all up.
Every day, I just want to die. I have just about everything that I need, but I can never bring myself to it. I tell myself that it's fine because at least within five years if need be, I'll always have a way out, but I want out now. I'm tired of living this way and I know some people might tell me to just move out, but with this economy and how expensive everything is, the wage that I make, I'd be out on the streets. I don't have my own car and I spend all my money on weed and other things, like clothes because I lost everything in the recent hurricanes, so it's like I'm trying to rebuild my life, but I lost everything from the last 18 years. I just got a raise, but before that I was only making at most 230 every two weeks, I can't have a life and save up for an apartment and a car at the same time. And if I remove the little bit of life that I have, I would become even more depressed. I just have to keep sacrificing and sacrificing to get close to anything and that's not what I want. I'm such a selfish person because I expect handouts because I've had such a traumatizing life. I just expect people to help me out, I expect my grandmother to buy me a car, I expect people to be nice to me, like I know it's so wrong to think that way, but I just want something to be easier.
I have harmed myself with intent to die over 20 times. Either I truly am a godsend, or I am just eternally damned to suffer.
I don't feel a true connection with my friends anymore, I have nobody to talk to about anything, I just feel like such a loser, I feel like a useless loser. It feels like 24/seven I'm having these anxiety attacks and I can never rest, and lately I've been binge eating, and I just said I feel so fat, and I know I'm not even that big. I'm only 109 pounds, over the last four years or so I've only gained 8 pounds. But somehow I still think that I'm fat and ugly. I think that I'm disproportional. I just wish I could make myself prettier, cause I know I can't love myself the way I am, I have to have specific angles, specific makeup, specific hairstyle, specific lipcolor, specific eyebrow shape, I'm just never happy with the way I look unless it's perfect.
I hate myself, and I hate everything, I just wanna be free.
I wish my family understood how badly I wanted to die, and I wish that they would just love me. If they try to understood at least maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
My own brother tells me about how I'm the least favorite in the family, how I'm basically just a drug addict, I'm not smart, how he doesn't love me, how he just tolerates me, I feel so unloved. I keep saying, nobody cares, every time I open up, they act like they do, but then it's just the same behavior over and over. I'm so tired of it. I just want somebody in my life to support me. I don't wanna feel like this anymore.
The worst part is, I feel like I'm just acting, feeling I'm forcing myself into this, I feel like I just want attention, but how could that be if I keep everything inside and I just keep pushing myself.
It's getting some point that I wish that's something terrible would happen to me. I wish that I would get kidnapped or something just to avoid all of this, I wish somebody else would kill me so It wouldn't have to be my own doing.
Truthfully, I feel like such a disappointing, useless, stupid, horrendous person.
I certainly don't wanna buy an apartment either, because why would I waste thousands of dollars on that when I could put it down for a house, but I don't even wanna live in the state I'm currently in, I don't wanna stop smoking, I don't wanna change my lifestyle, I just wanna change the people in the way that they talk to me, which is literally impossible. I don't want to change, that is not an option for me, it's my life, and I want to live it the way that I want to, but I want to change people, I want to change myself but… I guess this is where the cognitive dissonance really becomes apparent. Only thing I can do is just try to appease the narcissist that have run my life since the beginning.
i am such a pitiful human. the amount of pure disdain and hatred i have for myself.. and at times others.. i wish to be free.
Often I'm forced to clean the whole house because no one else will, I still have to take care of my younger brother even though I've been doing that since I was five years old, I have to work to supply myself, and I've had too since I was 16 because my grandma uses money as a wager against us. She won't pay for any of my schooling, but still expects me to get into medical school, so I'm just supposed to take the debt? It doesn't make any sense. She barely lets us buy groceries sometimes , or gas for the car, or anything she wants. She always reminds us about how she regrets taking us in, and how we're just stupid kids.
I love my mom and dad, but I don't understand why they would bring me into the world if they were just gonna fuck it all up.
Every day, I just want to die. I have just about everything that I need, but I can never bring myself to it. I tell myself that it's fine because at least within five years if need be, I'll always have a way out, but I want out now. I'm tired of living this way and I know some people might tell me to just move out, but with this economy and how expensive everything is, the wage that I make, I'd be out on the streets. I don't have my own car and I spend all my money on weed and other things, like clothes because I lost everything in the recent hurricanes, so it's like I'm trying to rebuild my life, but I lost everything from the last 18 years. I just got a raise, but before that I was only making at most 230 every two weeks, I can't have a life and save up for an apartment and a car at the same time. And if I remove the little bit of life that I have, I would become even more depressed. I just have to keep sacrificing and sacrificing to get close to anything and that's not what I want. I'm such a selfish person because I expect handouts because I've had such a traumatizing life. I just expect people to help me out, I expect my grandmother to buy me a car, I expect people to be nice to me, like I know it's so wrong to think that way, but I just want something to be easier.
I have harmed myself with intent to die over 20 times. Either I truly am a godsend, or I am just eternally damned to suffer.
I don't feel a true connection with my friends anymore, I have nobody to talk to about anything, I just feel like such a loser, I feel like a useless loser. It feels like 24/seven I'm having these anxiety attacks and I can never rest, and lately I've been binge eating, and I just said I feel so fat, and I know I'm not even that big. I'm only 109 pounds, over the last four years or so I've only gained 8 pounds. But somehow I still think that I'm fat and ugly. I think that I'm disproportional. I just wish I could make myself prettier, cause I know I can't love myself the way I am, I have to have specific angles, specific makeup, specific hairstyle, specific lipcolor, specific eyebrow shape, I'm just never happy with the way I look unless it's perfect.
I hate myself, and I hate everything, I just wanna be free.
I wish my family understood how badly I wanted to die, and I wish that they would just love me. If they try to understood at least maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
My own brother tells me about how I'm the least favorite in the family, how I'm basically just a drug addict, I'm not smart, how he doesn't love me, how he just tolerates me, I feel so unloved. I keep saying, nobody cares, every time I open up, they act like they do, but then it's just the same behavior over and over. I'm so tired of it. I just want somebody in my life to support me. I don't wanna feel like this anymore.
The worst part is, I feel like I'm just acting, feeling I'm forcing myself into this, I feel like I just want attention, but how could that be if I keep everything inside and I just keep pushing myself.
It's getting some point that I wish that's something terrible would happen to me. I wish that I would get kidnapped or something just to avoid all of this, I wish somebody else would kill me so It wouldn't have to be my own doing.
Truthfully, I feel like such a disappointing, useless, stupid, horrendous person.
I certainly don't wanna buy an apartment either, because why would I waste thousands of dollars on that when I could put it down for a house, but I don't even wanna live in the state I'm currently in, I don't wanna stop smoking, I don't wanna change my lifestyle, I just wanna change the people in the way that they talk to me, which is literally impossible. I don't want to change, that is not an option for me, it's my life, and I want to live it the way that I want to, but I want to change people, I want to change myself but… I guess this is where the cognitive dissonance really becomes apparent. Only thing I can do is just try to appease the narcissist that have run my life since the beginning.
i am such a pitiful human. the amount of pure disdain and hatred i have for myself.. and at times others.. i wish to be free.
