Venting rough deadline but still holding off

[trashisland]

this will probably be my last year alive. I turn 20 in a few weeks, im due to start uni after my 'gap year' (which was just me putting it off because I dont want to go), my mother will probably kick me out bc she doesnt love me and shed get mad if I asked to stay home for another year. all of these things are adding up and I have to die before September of this year. not only that but im a grown ass adult now. ive done nothing with my life and I have zero goals or ambitions. I spent this entire year in my room actually doing nothing. I cant get a job, I cant even be around people let alone speak to them. im just such a failure.

but I just dont know if I can do it. in my head suicide is more of a logical decision, as in I have to do this at some point to stop myself from suffering through such issues. also I just hate life in general, so. but idk. ive been thinking a lot recently. I feel like my mind is in the right place. but idk how I can bring myself to do it. it kinda sucks. I could literally do it right now and it would make sense because there would be no reason to wait a few months when life sucks anyway, but I just cant. if I had a gun id shoot myself no hesitation, since its quick. but the time and effort I have to put into jumping or whatever just puts me off. I just hate living like this, knowing I need to do it and being unable to while I suffer every day I dont do it

 

[kufajoy]

Hey I can relate with you. Hope you find peace whatever you decide