witchcraft
it's too painful to live but I'm too afraid to die
- Nov 27, 2024
- 216
I'm in my late 20s, nearing 30.
It's weird because it seems a bit late to be feeling this way for some reason. Like, shouldn't this have made itself apparent sooner? But I guess that's not how it works.
Not really sure where to begin. I just feel emotionally neglected. And I'm starting to realize this has been going on for a lot longer than I'd realized. That's for a combination of reasons: part of it is the fact that it's so invisible, and another big part is that it's always been normal. Always been that way kinda' thing.
The only hope I can cling to is that things were actually pretty good in college. After wondering why that is, I've come to the conclusion that it's because I was away from home. Sure, my parents had already divorced and were living in separate places before I ever even applied to college, but it was just such a relief to no longer be around them. Not being constantly interrupted from my train of thought, from my stream of consciousness. To actually have privacy. To have my own physical and mental space.
Just two weeks ago my dad was having an emotional meltdown in front of me over his own decisions. I'm an emotional sponge, I don't handle this kind of thing well even if it's not directed at me and logically I know it has nothing to do with me. Specifically, he needs, no, DEMANDS my help: he's in the middle of selling his house and moving to the south, about 10 hours drive. And I'm not exaggerating when I say he will talk non-stop, yes, non-stop, for TWO. HOURS. about how he's gotta do this, he's gotta do that, because this and this and this, and that and that, and you know what witchcraft I'm just sooo stressed out about all of this, I'm oh so overwhelmed by my own decisions and my own choices to do all of these this way, the consequences of my own actions, that I need you to be at my personal back-and-fucking-call at any given moment of any given day, because after all you're not working and you're my son right? I need you to help me move this, and I need you to help me move that, and I need you to help me sell this on Facebook marketplace, and I need you on this day, and I need you on that day, and on and on and on and on and on and on and fucking on.
I remember something somebody told me once: I'm not always responsible for the feelings of other people. But growing up, that is absolutely not at all how I was raised. I always had to manage the emotions of other people. I didn't want to do or say something that would result in my dad being an asshole or anybody raising their voice. Yelling is not the only way of being an asshole; he has a certain condescending, patronizing tone.
There is no way to bring this up. There is no resolution or change to be made. I've tried. Any suggestion at such a thing is promptly shut down, he gets defensive, or rarely he's apparently hurt by the sheer notion, and lo' and behold! we've come full fucking circle. Back to managing emotions.
I've been a NEET for the past few years since graduating. I've applied to jobs when I'm not feeling absolutely depressed and defeated, probably ~150 in total during that time. Nothing unrealistic, just jobs at or slightly above the minimum wage, entry level type stuff. Not related to my degree. I've already explained why that is before, so I'll spare you.
I'm just tired of it all. Living with my mom again since coming home from college has just been a slow descent into madness, or perhaps a descent right back into what I'd experienced as a child. It's like there's some kind of bad energy, some bad lingering permeating vibe, a curse. It's nearly midnight here and I hear some small commotion coming from the living room, enough to ever so slightly perceptibly get my anxiety up. I decide to check it out. My mom came home (she said she wouldn't be home until tomorrow) from somewhere. Oh, okay, false alarm. "Hey, what's up," I say. "I'M PISSED OFF ABOUT YOUR DAD GOING TO [insert state]."
I just stood there for maybe 3 or 4 seconds, my anxiety now triggered, sighed, and said: "Yup."
I don't even know how to respond to that. These two were constantly fucking arguing and made living at home fucking hell for the entirety of my childhood and teenage years, to the point that I took every opportunity I could to get away from them, spending weeks at a time with my cousins, staying the night constantly with friends. Moving away to university instead of commuting to community college. And after all of that, which neither of them have ever talked to me about, she had the audacity to now act the same way about my dad moving to another part of the country?
It makes no fucking sense. None of this makes any motherfucking sense.
I just want to disappear. I'm seriously contemplating it. Just running away. Never talking to my parents or anyone in my family ever again. It's just hitting me now how utterly dysfunctional and toxic my family is. This can't be normal. It can't be.
Just to clarify, I am not oblivious to the irony of me writing some long winded emotional vent-rant here. The difference is that you're not a captive audience and I don't feel entitled to anyone's time. If nobody reads this, oh fucking well. I just wish I'd never been born, and the slightest bit of copium I have is that maybe I can go one-step-removed from that and get the hell away from my family and go no-contact. I can't deal with this judgment any more, the same critical nasty fucking judgment from my father that I have had to deal with for 20 years. And I can't deal with my mom acting the same way she acted when they were still married and after they divorced.
I'm 30 fucking years old and I'm fed up. I have two parents who can't act like adults or admit their flaws or make any, any god damn fucking effort to do better. I've got two parents who are stuck back in 1980 in terms of their understanding of how society and the world works, and emotionally arrested at the age of 16. There's so much shit I never learned about emotional regulation and emotional maturity / EQ when I SHOULD HAVE, so now I am doomed to spend the rest of my life *struggling* to maintain my own boundaries, to communicate my needs, to manage my negative emotions, things that my parents should have taught me but at the age of fucking 65 have still SOMEHOW never figured the fuck out.
It's weird because it seems a bit late to be feeling this way for some reason. Like, shouldn't this have made itself apparent sooner? But I guess that's not how it works.
Not really sure where to begin. I just feel emotionally neglected. And I'm starting to realize this has been going on for a lot longer than I'd realized. That's for a combination of reasons: part of it is the fact that it's so invisible, and another big part is that it's always been normal. Always been that way kinda' thing.
The only hope I can cling to is that things were actually pretty good in college. After wondering why that is, I've come to the conclusion that it's because I was away from home. Sure, my parents had already divorced and were living in separate places before I ever even applied to college, but it was just such a relief to no longer be around them. Not being constantly interrupted from my train of thought, from my stream of consciousness. To actually have privacy. To have my own physical and mental space.
Just two weeks ago my dad was having an emotional meltdown in front of me over his own decisions. I'm an emotional sponge, I don't handle this kind of thing well even if it's not directed at me and logically I know it has nothing to do with me. Specifically, he needs, no, DEMANDS my help: he's in the middle of selling his house and moving to the south, about 10 hours drive. And I'm not exaggerating when I say he will talk non-stop, yes, non-stop, for TWO. HOURS. about how he's gotta do this, he's gotta do that, because this and this and this, and that and that, and you know what witchcraft I'm just sooo stressed out about all of this, I'm oh so overwhelmed by my own decisions and my own choices to do all of these this way, the consequences of my own actions, that I need you to be at my personal back-and-fucking-call at any given moment of any given day, because after all you're not working and you're my son right? I need you to help me move this, and I need you to help me move that, and I need you to help me sell this on Facebook marketplace, and I need you on this day, and I need you on that day, and on and on and on and on and on and on and fucking on.
I remember something somebody told me once: I'm not always responsible for the feelings of other people. But growing up, that is absolutely not at all how I was raised. I always had to manage the emotions of other people. I didn't want to do or say something that would result in my dad being an asshole or anybody raising their voice. Yelling is not the only way of being an asshole; he has a certain condescending, patronizing tone.
There is no way to bring this up. There is no resolution or change to be made. I've tried. Any suggestion at such a thing is promptly shut down, he gets defensive, or rarely he's apparently hurt by the sheer notion, and lo' and behold! we've come full fucking circle. Back to managing emotions.
I've been a NEET for the past few years since graduating. I've applied to jobs when I'm not feeling absolutely depressed and defeated, probably ~150 in total during that time. Nothing unrealistic, just jobs at or slightly above the minimum wage, entry level type stuff. Not related to my degree. I've already explained why that is before, so I'll spare you.
I'm just tired of it all. Living with my mom again since coming home from college has just been a slow descent into madness, or perhaps a descent right back into what I'd experienced as a child. It's like there's some kind of bad energy, some bad lingering permeating vibe, a curse. It's nearly midnight here and I hear some small commotion coming from the living room, enough to ever so slightly perceptibly get my anxiety up. I decide to check it out. My mom came home (she said she wouldn't be home until tomorrow) from somewhere. Oh, okay, false alarm. "Hey, what's up," I say. "I'M PISSED OFF ABOUT YOUR DAD GOING TO [insert state]."
I just stood there for maybe 3 or 4 seconds, my anxiety now triggered, sighed, and said: "Yup."
I don't even know how to respond to that. These two were constantly fucking arguing and made living at home fucking hell for the entirety of my childhood and teenage years, to the point that I took every opportunity I could to get away from them, spending weeks at a time with my cousins, staying the night constantly with friends. Moving away to university instead of commuting to community college. And after all of that, which neither of them have ever talked to me about, she had the audacity to now act the same way about my dad moving to another part of the country?
It makes no fucking sense. None of this makes any motherfucking sense.
I just want to disappear. I'm seriously contemplating it. Just running away. Never talking to my parents or anyone in my family ever again. It's just hitting me now how utterly dysfunctional and toxic my family is. This can't be normal. It can't be.
Just to clarify, I am not oblivious to the irony of me writing some long winded emotional vent-rant here. The difference is that you're not a captive audience and I don't feel entitled to anyone's time. If nobody reads this, oh fucking well. I just wish I'd never been born, and the slightest bit of copium I have is that maybe I can go one-step-removed from that and get the hell away from my family and go no-contact. I can't deal with this judgment any more, the same critical nasty fucking judgment from my father that I have had to deal with for 20 years. And I can't deal with my mom acting the same way she acted when they were still married and after they divorced.
I'm 30 fucking years old and I'm fed up. I have two parents who can't act like adults or admit their flaws or make any, any god damn fucking effort to do better. I've got two parents who are stuck back in 1980 in terms of their understanding of how society and the world works, and emotionally arrested at the age of 16. There's so much shit I never learned about emotional regulation and emotional maturity / EQ when I SHOULD HAVE, so now I am doomed to spend the rest of my life *struggling* to maintain my own boundaries, to communicate my needs, to manage my negative emotions, things that my parents should have taught me but at the age of fucking 65 have still SOMEHOW never figured the fuck out.
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