Venting Rather someone watch me die than die alone

[Idrktbh]

The thing is that I don't even want anything to be public at all I just wish there were just one person I trust who would just watch and let me do what I'll do I'm so afraid of dying alone I'm so afraid of knowing I'm gonna die and It's just me, but I also wouldn't want to even be in the same building as anyone I don't trust. I want to die quietly in private and I know alone is the best option I've got but maybe it's just instincts or something I've always wanted to ctb with someone else but then it just turned into wanting someone to just watch even. None is likely though but I still need to do what I have to do:(

 

[ella.gracep]

The thing is that I don't even want anything to be public at all I just wish there were just one person I trust who would just watch and let me do what I'll do I'm so afraid of dying alone I'm so afraid of knowing I'm gonna die and It's just me, but I also wouldn't want to even be in the same building as anyone I don't trust. I want to die quietly in private and I know alone is the best option I've got but maybe it's just instincts or something I've always wanted to ctb with someone else but then it just turned into wanting someone to just watch even. None is likely though but I still need to do what I have to do:(

I feel you. I had this today during an attempt, but especially after. Feels so horrible

 

[isthisthingon]

I feel you. I had this today during an attempt, but especially after. Feels so horrible

What was your attempt? What went wrong?

 

[ella.gracep]

What was your attempt? What went wrong?

Partial hanging. It took too long, approx an hour in which I was spitting myself, crying (as best as possible in a situation like this), kinda passing out, skipped heart beats, constant pressure on my throat so I could never take full breaths and at one point I had to free myself BUT I noticed I didn't have enough strength to change my position and panicked, felt the rope cutting in my neck (I have bloody marks actually) I was thrashing and kicking to free myself bc it was pure panic. I wanted someone to help me in this moment. I ended up kneeling in front of my bed with my chest and face down on my bed and thought that I just have to stay awake a little longer bc help is on its way. Idk why I thought that bc no one even knew what I was doing or up to?
The very last moment before I lost consciousness I managed to kick myself up and at least put my hand between my rope and this tube (I used a tube that you can buy for a fish tank I think? Saw it in the store and thought it was perfect bc it's thin and soft and durable and yes also I used a rope).

And after I was rocking back and forth in the corner bc it was just traumatizing what I had put myself through. Wished so much someone was there