gardenoflonely
I'm ready whenever you are, God
- Apr 29, 2026
- 68
I cannot stop feeling this way. I'm not sure why these thoughts came to me originally but I've felt this way since childhood and they've gotten progressively worse over the years due to abuse. My first attempt was around 11 and there have been multiple attempts following that. I am tired of carrying this feeling with me.
I'm still afraid to die, it doesn't matter though. Not being afraid doesn't make it any easier - we all die whether we're ready or not.
I'm at a point where I'm not sure what else to do. I don't know what would change things now. Just tired of being stuck in this cycle. Everything is excruciating for me, from the basics like talking, showering, holding a job, but now even just waking up day to day it too much. Even if I were to "get better" (for lack of a more nuanced description) it doesn't seem fair - I shouldn't have to be a certain way mentally to deserve to be treated the way I want to. I will never be accepted as I am and I do not want to change myself unnaturally to fit in better with people. Maybe the world is just not meant for me, it's certainly not made for me to live comfortably in.
I don't know if its preventable. Maybe one day there will be more studies on mental health.
Maybe no relationship ever would've been "enough". I always feel like I'm missing something. I won't know either way and i'm okay with that. I don't think there's anything more anyone could've done for me once I hit a certain point. I just give up on life. This is very hard by myself. Too hard.
I hope I find meaning in death that I couldn't seem to find in life.
I'm still afraid to die, it doesn't matter though. Not being afraid doesn't make it any easier - we all die whether we're ready or not.
I'm at a point where I'm not sure what else to do. I don't know what would change things now. Just tired of being stuck in this cycle. Everything is excruciating for me, from the basics like talking, showering, holding a job, but now even just waking up day to day it too much. Even if I were to "get better" (for lack of a more nuanced description) it doesn't seem fair - I shouldn't have to be a certain way mentally to deserve to be treated the way I want to. I will never be accepted as I am and I do not want to change myself unnaturally to fit in better with people. Maybe the world is just not meant for me, it's certainly not made for me to live comfortably in.
I don't know if its preventable. Maybe one day there will be more studies on mental health.
Maybe no relationship ever would've been "enough". I always feel like I'm missing something. I won't know either way and i'm okay with that. I don't think there's anything more anyone could've done for me once I hit a certain point. I just give up on life. This is very hard by myself. Too hard.
I hope I find meaning in death that I couldn't seem to find in life.
