Rate your suicidal thoughts thread (1-10)

[Ambivalent1]

I can't put a number to pain. I always tell doctors the same and that it hurts and I need morphine...even for minor things.

 

[FallenDown]

9.

 

[ImsooDone1N]

9.9998… highest ever. I'm pretty calm tho. I've accepted this is what my existence is & that I will die soon, as that's what's best & just how my existence played out.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

9.99999 asymptote 10

 

[venin]

9.9998… highest ever. I'm pretty calm tho. I've accepted this is what my existence is & that I will die soon, as that's what's best & just how my existence played out.

That's really awesome tbh

 

[AJwantsToGo]

For me it varies daily, or even hourly. It has happened before where I was at a ten, it's like being in a trance. Any method nearby I'm ready to try- which is very dangerous as it is likely I'll survive. Most of the time I range between 4-7. So I constantly think about it, plan methods etc.

 

[AlwaysAnhedonia]

9 I don't see a way out . Addiction is destroying me. I can't sleep. I want to die

 

[cheese.out]

For the last few weeks it was maybe a 3 but today is just fucked so i would say 8.5

 

[Anonymus]

8

 

[ddn.ctb]

7 and on the rise

 

[the_widow]

Maintaining a solid 9-10, as I have for the last 31 days. I had full intentions of ctb last night. The date of yesterday was symbolic to me and I had entire weekend completely alone. I was rudely interrupted without notice by a "friend" of my late husband. A whole slew of emotions have stemmed from that in itself.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

7-8

 

[Pyxel]

6, Often find myself wandering negatively without a solid distraction.

 

[mindless_imp]

1 is very low suicidality, 10 is very extreme acute suicidality. I miss the old thread (which is deleted) that is way I want to revive him.

My suicidal thoughts today are a 4. I have some distractions and responsibilities which prevent more of these thoughts.

anywhere between a 5-7. I'm definitely not the most suicidal - judging by people on this website /lh - but it's not normal to have it as much as I do

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

About 6. Yesterday it was at 9.

 

[afraid]

Probably about 7 or 8. I feel so stressed out about everything lately. I feel like it's going to get a lot worse in a few months from now on

 

[アホペンギン]

8 right now. It was 10 in the morning because I woke up.

 

[SlowlyFalling]

7-8 it's not so much that I want to ctb, but my depression is at an all time high and I want it to stop

 

[passivethought121]

I'd say I'm at a 5. For me, a 10 is right before trying to CTB, and an 8 is being visibly distressed that I can't.

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

10

 

[manuel1056x]

Sometimes it's about 5, but often, especially at night it's at 8 or 9

 

[Minsu]

3-4

 

[Anonymus]

7

 

[Minsu]

10/10. I'm having a very bad day, I've been thinking about suicide almost every single minute today

 

[rainseahorse]

in a single day, it goes from 5 to 3 to 8

 

[Cloud Busting]

5/6

I had an attempt on august 28th. I tossed all my food and donated most of my possessions. Factory reset my laptop and phone too. Racked up a ton of debt and wasted 4k on god knows what. All this reckless shit for nothing because I failed a high lethality method (hanging). I'm knees deep in medical debt due to my failure and uninsured and unemployed. I can't afford to replace all this shit but I at least have enough money for rent for 2-3 months.

I want to fucking die. But I just don't have the gall to attempt anymore. I know exactly why I failed and how I could perfect it next time. I really want to repurchase that rope for real. I cannot will myself to do so however. People think I'd be a bigger burden if I passed away than if I lived having mental breakdowns in their company. It made me rethink.

Tho perhaps they are being selfish to guilt me into living when I went to great lengths to prepare. I'm sure I can rebuild my life but I'm beyond stressed and just wanna die because of everything I did. But I'm trying to recover and breathe. Before my attempt tho I was at 9-10 looool

 

[dumblosergirl]

About a 7. I still hang onto what I have but I think about killing myself pretty much everyday. While working I get distracted but it still sneaks in there too. Last year, I wouldn't have said the same so I feel I don't have much time left.

 

[snowcloud9]

Reminded of this lovely post

 

[noname223]

5.

My suicidality is not the main issues currently but I feel horrible. No thread today. The withdrawal symptoms of the addictive medication persist. 7 weeks weeks after my last one. Barely progress it rather got way worse the last days. Very depressed, very anxious, paranoid, ruminating about college, shame about weird behavior. I am prisoned in a labyrinth and I cannot find a way out. The last semesters I experienced a severe mental decline. Soon college starts again. I have the feeling either I end up as an addict or I get a mental breakdown and have to kill myself the next semester.

I cannot get out of this mess myself. I don't know what to do. I am so desperate that I explained it to my parents. So I am very desperate and in pain. I consider to go a mental hospital or my attempt to start another psychotherapy. I think the latter one would be the smartest choice but I think my health insurance won't pay for it. I already had 3. I will talk about it with my psychiatrist. I think my dad has given up on me partly after I fully revealed everything to him. Which is understandable but still hurts. Two of my therapists already did. But I still have this forum and my friends.
Phoned with my best friend 2 hours which was a good distraction. Phoned with my dad one hour which somewhat helped.
I am tormented. I won't open up to my mom due to her health.

I am pretty broken. I have holidays but there is no happy and no real relief. I am lost for words. I don't know any escape. I don't know what to do. I have soon an appointment with my current psychiatrist. I am not 100% certain if the withdrawal are really the culprit. Or if I am just broken and college is too much for me.

I am running away but that won't last forever. I am not sure how long I can play this game. Currently I have the feelijg next semester I go another time hard on addictive medication and then take a semester out because of illness but I have to think about it. I mean it could take a long time to recover of that. But it would be wiser to take now the break. I feel ashamed because I am so old already. but let's be real there is no big benefit if I become an addict.

Fuck my life!

 

[turntechGodhead]

i think i am around 9 even on good days i think abt ctbing even when i am happy i think abt it cuz it brings me comfort