Rate your suicidal thoughts thread (1-10)

[noname223]

5.

My suicidality is not the main issues currently but I feel horrible. No thread today. The withdrawal symptoms of the addictive medication persist. 7 weeks weeks after my last one. Barely progress it rather got way worse the last days. Very depressed, very anxious, paranoid, ruminating about college, shame about weird behavior. I am prisoned in a labyrinth and I cannot find a way out. The last semesters I experienced a severe mental decline. Soon college starts again. I have the feeling either I end up as an addict or I get a mental breakdown and have to kill myself the next semester.

I cannot get out of this mess myself. I don't know what to do. I am so desperate that I explained it to my parents. So I am very desperate and in pain. I consider to go a mental hospital or my attempt to start another psychotherapy. I think the latter one would be the smartest choice but I think my health insurance won't pay for it. I already had 3. I will talk about it with my psychiatrist. I think my dad has given up on me partly after I fully revealed everything to him. Which is understandable but still hurts. Two of my therapists already did. But I still have this forum and my friends.
Phoned with my best friend 2 hours which was a good distraction. Phoned with my dad one hour which somewhat helped.
I am tormented. I won't open up to my mom due to her health.

I am pretty broken. I have holidays but there is no happy and no real relief. I am lost for words. I don't know any escape. I don't know what to do. I have soon an appointment with my current psychiatrist. I am not 100% certain if the withdrawal are really the culprit. Or if I am just broken and college is too much for me.

I am running away but that won't last forever. I am not sure how long I can play this game. Currently I have the feelijg next semester I go another time hard on addictive medication and then take a semester out because of illness but I have to think about it. I mean it could take a long time to recover of that. But it would be wiser to take now the break. I feel ashamed because I am so old already. but let's be real there is no big benefit if I become an addict.

Fuck my life!

 

[turntechGodhead]

i think i am around 9 even on good days i think abt ctbing even when i am happy i think abt it cuz it brings me comfort

 

[ANONYMOUSM]

i would say an 8 or 9

 

[revolutionnaire23]

10 today. planning to ctb soon, i don't know.

 

[ImsooDone1N]

Finally hit a 10.00.
It's been real. A real nightmare that is.

 

[spiritedawaytotoro]

About a 7. I still hang onto what I have but I think about killing myself pretty much everyday. While working I get distracted but it still sneaks in there too. Last year, I wouldn't have said the same so I feel I don't have much time left.

I would say the same is true for me most of the time but the past week has been really bad for me, triggered by a number of events. I'd honestly say I've been an 8/9 at least this week - and yesterday I was at a 10 for several hours, meaning if I'd had a method to ctb ready at the time I would have used it.

I don't know if I will feel better over time or worse; lately I sort of trick myself that good things are possible in the future, so better wait and see. The trouble is, so far, that coping mechanism has only worked because there have been a few interesting or good things happening in the near future. Now there are not any that I can personally forsee.

 

[0Lukz]

at least like an 8, more likely to be a 9 or 10 tho. gonna try to get my hands on some sn and dip when it inevitably gets worse, tbh having some sort of way out would be reassuring af, might actually bring some good into my life lol

 

[spiritedawaytotoro]

5.

My suicidality is not the main issues currently but I feel horrible. No thread today. The withdrawal symptoms of the addictive medication persist. 7 weeks weeks after my last one. Barely progress it rather got way worse the last days. Very depressed, very anxious, paranoid, ruminating about college, shame about weird behavior. I am prisoned in a labyrinth and I cannot find a way out. The last semesters I experienced a severe mental decline. Soon college starts again. I have the feeling either I end up as an addict or I get a mental breakdown and have to kill myself the next semester.

I cannot get out of this mess myself. I don't know what to do. I am so desperate that I explained it to my parents. So I am very desperate and in pain. I consider to go a mental hospital or my attempt to start another psychotherapy. I think the latter one would be the smartest choice but I think my health insurance won't pay for it. I already had 3. I will talk about it with my psychiatrist. I think my dad has given up on me partly after I fully revealed everything to him. Which is understandable but still hurts. Two of my therapists already did. But I still have this forum and my friends.
Phoned with my best friend 2 hours which was a good distraction. Phoned with my dad one hour which somewhat helped.
I am tormented. I won't open up to my mom due to her health.

I am pretty broken. I have holidays but there is no happy and no real relief. I am lost for words. I don't know any escape. I don't know what to do. I have soon an appointment with my current psychiatrist. I am not 100% certain if the withdrawal are really the culprit. Or if I am just broken and college is too much for me.

I am running away but that won't last forever. I am not sure how long I can play this game. Currently I have the feelijg next semester I go another time hard on addictive medication and then take a semester out because of illness but I have to think about it. I mean it could take a long time to recover of that. But it would be wiser to take now the break. I feel ashamed because I am so old already. but let's be real there is no big benefit if I become an addict.

Fuck my life!

I'm so sorry about your dad giving up on you. I told my parents about my feelings, or tried to, and they wouldn't listen or take me seriously at all, so I understand how hard it is. I spoke to them again yesterday, having attempted to bring things up various times, and they treated me as a joke. It's good you have a supportive friend (I let all my friends drift away which is not good as then you have nobody to talk to).

I also know what you mean about holidays or moments that are "supposed" to be happy. I usually feel an emptiness and imposter syndrome, like I'm disconnected from what is actually happening, and have to make efforts to look/react happy, even though I don't feel it. This is very mentally exhausting.

However, being old at college isn't probably as much of a big deal to the younger students as you might feel it is.

I suggest you speak to your psychiatrist, as you said, and also try to explore what the insurance will or won't cover, maybe with their help/referral?

You seem more depressed by medication and circumstances than "mental illness", so there is probably a good chance to get yourself on track if you can access support. Not like those of us who are on the brink of giving up.

I wish you all the very best, whatever happens. We are here for you.

 

[dumblosergirl]

I would say the same is true for me most of the time but the past week has been really bad for me, triggered by a number of events. I'd honestly say I've been an 8/9 at least this week - and yesterday I was at a 10 for several hours, meaning if I'd had a method to ctb ready at the time I would have used it.

I don't know if I will feel better over time or worse; lately I sort of trick myself that good things are possible in the future, so better wait and see. The trouble is, so far, that coping mechanism has only worked because there have been a few interesting or good things happening in the near future. Now there are not any that I can personally forsee.

That's why I'm not high on the scale either. I still think that maybe something good will come out but everyday I feel embarrassed for existing. Everyday is just anger. I have a lot of anger and it's almost unbearable where death would probably relieve me of my anger. I have some things to look forward to but even so, being released from being pissed all the time sounds much better.

 

[HighFlight]

7
It's higher than it's been in a long time. I was reminded again that I'm too old, so maybe it is time to go.

 

[su1c1dal-dungeon]

its the end of the day and i have bounced from around a 3 to a 8 back and forth. i dont really know whats wrong with me though… im always kind of suicidal in a passive way in that i dont care if i die. i will never care if i die or not.

i got up to an 8 after a fight with my sibling (trying not to share too many details) i was called selfish for looking out for my physical health over plans we had made together.

in general though everyday i bounce around the scale of suicidality and it never gets easier and i always seem to be more and more confused as to why it happens. my mood is just insane. but baseline is usually numbness. i feel like my days are immediately a 3-4 on the scale when i first wake up and then fluctuate as the day progresses.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

8-9 currently

 

[noname223]

3. Was a fine day.

But not everything was good. I had an honest talk with my grandma where I admitted how horrible I feel, that I am a broken person and that I don't see any hope for the future. I already had these talks with my parents and my sister. So far I wanted to protect her but I think she wanted to have more contact and I admitted to her that my rage, anger and pain haunts me when I am interacting with them. I try to be a good person but I am not sure whether it was smart to say the truth to her.

Afterwards I visited my 3 good friends of mine in a different city. The food was fantastic. The talk with my dad had good and bad sides. His political takes make me furious. Not the refugees are responsible for the trouble our family is in it was the abuse by my parents which destroyed our lives. I could throw up when hear his takes.

However the time with my friends was great. Sometimes I was very depressed and anxious but it boosted my mood a lot. The game I currently play is great it is only a demo but I fucking love this franchise and I waited for such a game 12 to be released in the West for more than 12 years.

No thread today. I came home some time ago. I am way too exhausted and I need sleep.

 

[nonbinary]

I'm a solid 8 or 9 right now and, and have been for a few months. I've been gathering supplies to ctb with and I'm just kind of over the whole living thing.

 

[porcupinetree]

1 is very low suicidality, 10 is very extreme acute suicidality. I miss the old thread (which is deleted) that is way I want to revive him.

My suicidal thoughts today are a 4. I have some distractions and responsibilities which prevent more of these thoughts.

5-6. Very moderate feelings but my cowardliness is overwhelming

 

[CoffeeCrow]

Strangely, a 6 and lowering with some medication. This tends to happen.
But also a 9, rationally. I know how the routine is because medication stops working fast, as it has proven to me for almost two decades of med use.
So I just plan to fully assimilate the fear of death and CTB even when I have no particular intense thoughts, that is the time window when it can be carried out.

 

[nanaka]

3. I think about CTB quite a bit every day, but it's not like I feel like acting on it yet.

 

[AnonGermany]

Its really bad lately, so i would guess 8 to 10 depending on how long the day has been already. I dont want to have to wait any longer. I can barely focus on anything. Its ruining this place for me because i lose focus so quickly and cant read much.

Just one more package. Please arrive in the next 7 days. Please

 

[deadtrace]

8/9 and steadily rising every day.

 

[Minsu]

Today 4-5

 

[Alpercino]

Just 1 pill away all the time, does that make me a constant 10?

 

[garota suicida]

7/10

 

[Dead Ghost]

8

 

[LaVieEnRose]

10

 

[アホペンギン]

10 right now, I have been thinking about suicide for nearly the whole day and I have been feeling like shit for multiple days, making me want to die even more.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Over the course of the summer, I went from 4 to 11 today. Things can get out of hand quickly, I'm learning.

 

[noname223]

6. Very very desperate. I think I cannot stomach the college stress any longer. It is over. I think the game is done. I opened up to several people about it. I think I am close to breaking down if I am continuing that road. I have holidays since two months but I am still completely broken and done. I just cannot endure that any longer.

I told it to my family, to my psychiatrist and a college counselor. I am extremely desperate I almost started crying or slipping the mask towards the counselor. My psychiatrist did not really realize in how much pain I was. I told her everything except my suicidality.

I could write another huge wall of text about my pain and desperation. But it hurts so much that expressing it might be worse than to distract me. I am so fucking empty and sad. I would continue college no matter how nightmarish the existential pain was. But I think if I continue either I get another psychosis or I end up as an addictive medication addict. I will still give college another try. But even the notion of going to college gives my depression and anxiety a push through the roof. I cannot do it any longer.

 

[savoytruffle]

10 if i had a glass of SN i would have drunk it half an hour ago. im shaking on the floor too afraid to try hanging again

 

[suicidal flapper]

1 is very low suicidality, 10 is very extreme acute suicidality. I miss the old thread (which is deleted) that is way I want to revive him.

My suicidal thoughts today are a 4. I have some distractions and responsibilities which prevent more of these thoughts.

7 or 8 currently though I'd lean more on 7

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

3/10 when I'm happy, 6/10 during the day normally, 10/10 when I'm alone with my thoughts, 10000000/10 when I'm alone with my thoughts at night