cultpup
Member
- Nov 1, 2023
- 25
today i realized that i have a giant scar from when i was raped and never really put 2 and 2 together, that i have a big scar that was "an accident", but also happened when i was raped and didn't realize how bad it was until later and i just really dont know how to feel about any of anything anymore i dont know who to tell how i feel about it. because i don't feel anything yet, it's just there.
afterwards i was so scared no one would love me because of it, like it makes me really unattractive to everyone who doesn't like scars and what they mean. i really liked wearing thigh highs but it just makes it more obvious. and who fucking knows what people think of it when they see it. maybe they think i hurt myself on purpose after they know what kind of person i am, but i hate being seen that way, i don't self harm like that.
it's so embarrassing. i went back to them for comfort that they still liked me even though they cut me up so bad i wasn't attractive anymore. they liked that no one else could love my body like they did and i didnt have any other way to cope with it because who the fuck else would say yeah your scars from being cut open and infected is hot anyways. it's always going to be a fucking burden. it's never not going to be a reminder that they pushed me down before i could even consider if i wanted to be in a room alone with them yet, we'd just met.
they cut me before i realized they even had a knife then the next day dug into it to reopen the wound and even though i loved all of it because i didnt know what other emotions i could even feel i didn't ask for it or say yes i was lead away i was dragged i was picked up and carried why would they do that to me why would they do that to me why the fuck would anyone do that to me . too afraid to feel afraid. just like it instead until it comes back and eats me from the inside like it does now. but liking it at all obviously means i deserved it because i secretly wanted it:)
i've just never seen it as bad as it was until now and i knew how scary it was at the time but i remember being scared enough to put fear aside and let it happen anyways, i know it's going to hurt, if i keep being scared right now i'll come out of this so much worse. but now i feel the feelings i didn't let myself before and i can't stop feeling disgusting i can't stop feeling so wrong about it. i can never ever be clean inside or out again. i can't even escape it emotionally i have to look at it every day i cant stop fucking looking at it i cant escape my body in any other way but die its going to be in my body until i fucking die
i wonder if they're on this forum. they should message me if they are i miss them lol
afterwards i was so scared no one would love me because of it, like it makes me really unattractive to everyone who doesn't like scars and what they mean. i really liked wearing thigh highs but it just makes it more obvious. and who fucking knows what people think of it when they see it. maybe they think i hurt myself on purpose after they know what kind of person i am, but i hate being seen that way, i don't self harm like that.
it's so embarrassing. i went back to them for comfort that they still liked me even though they cut me up so bad i wasn't attractive anymore. they liked that no one else could love my body like they did and i didnt have any other way to cope with it because who the fuck else would say yeah your scars from being cut open and infected is hot anyways. it's always going to be a fucking burden. it's never not going to be a reminder that they pushed me down before i could even consider if i wanted to be in a room alone with them yet, we'd just met.
they cut me before i realized they even had a knife then the next day dug into it to reopen the wound and even though i loved all of it because i didnt know what other emotions i could even feel i didn't ask for it or say yes i was lead away i was dragged i was picked up and carried why would they do that to me why would they do that to me why the fuck would anyone do that to me . too afraid to feel afraid. just like it instead until it comes back and eats me from the inside like it does now. but liking it at all obviously means i deserved it because i secretly wanted it:)
i've just never seen it as bad as it was until now and i knew how scary it was at the time but i remember being scared enough to put fear aside and let it happen anyways, i know it's going to hurt, if i keep being scared right now i'll come out of this so much worse. but now i feel the feelings i didn't let myself before and i can't stop feeling disgusting i can't stop feeling so wrong about it. i can never ever be clean inside or out again. i can't even escape it emotionally i have to look at it every day i cant stop fucking looking at it i cant escape my body in any other way but die its going to be in my body until i fucking die
i wonder if they're on this forum. they should message me if they are i miss them lol
