is this it?

[Leonard_Bangley39]

once you become suicidal, is that just it? do you just feel like shit permanently? is it even possible to feel better? what would even make me feel better? if i isolate myself then i feel shitty cause im lonely, but if i socialize i also feel like shit cause im awkward and insecure. i feel like shit when i worry about things i cant control, but when i stop worrying about things i still feel like shit cause then i feel hopeless. does this just become your brain's default setting when you become depressed or suicidal? i wish i never threw out all my razors. i wanna cut so much. leave every square inch of my arms scarred. or grab a rifle and blow my brains out ronnie mcnutt style. or lay my head on a train track. i feel like i wasnt meant to exist in this world. nothing fits me and i fit into nothing.

 

[wannabeangel]

i was able to escape being suicidal for a few years until my life fell apart in a way again that made it all rush back. it's not impossible for it to go away that i am sure of, i feel like once you think it though it's so much easier to fall into that line of thinking, as well as the more times it comes back/the stronger it is for long enough that just makes it even harder to both fall into or get out of. i still believe recovery is possible, but it cant be forced and especially cant be forced onto anyone feeling suicidal by other people. it's a choice and it's a lot of work to rewire a thought process like that especially as you get older. im still decently young i turn 24 this year, but i also been thinking this way since i was 12 so that's hard to undo, it's not impossible as i was able to stop it for a while before, but is still hard

 

[iwkmsssb]

i feel like once you get to that point of being suicidal once, then it'll always be in the back of your mind as a plan b. healing from that will take a lot out of you and it's your choice if that's the journey you want to take. i do believe it is possible to recover but it'll be hell to go through.

 

[glided~hydrangea]

once you become suicidal, is that just it? do you just feel like shit permanently? is it even possible to feel better? what would even make me feel better? if i isolate myself then i feel shitty cause im lonely, but if i socialize i also feel like shit cause im awkward and insecure. i feel like shit when i worry about things i cant control, but when i stop worrying about things i still feel like shit cause then i feel hopeless. does this just become your brain's default setting when you become depressed or suicidal? i wish i never threw out all my razors. i wanna cut so much. leave every square inch of my arms scarred. or grab a rifle and blow my brains out ronnie mcnutt style. or lay my head on a train track. i feel like i wasnt meant to exist in this world. nothing fits me and i fit into nothing.

I truly feel that bro. For me, it really, truly doesn't get better. It's like an eating disorder, if you've had one or know anything about it. Once you have that certain voice in your head—that all-consuming, degrading thought process for weeks, months, or years on end—it never really goes away, because you never really forget how it feels. It just dilutes for certain periods, but it always resurfaces again. So yes, as dim as it is, it can get better physically, which by default makes at least SOME positive difference mentally, but this is pretty much the issue we're going to have forever. At least maintaining it. Just my experience and outlook, though. Everyone is different. Sending you lots of love bro, we're in this together.

 

[Heavy_Metals117]

Yeah it does kind of become default mindset. The only way out is to consistently get out your comfort zone and do things that should improve your state of mind. Even things you might hate or are bad at, like socializing. At least that's what I think. It hasn't helped me much but I haven't been strong enough to be consistent.

 

[Lamentice]

Most people never face the reality of death, let alone choosing death over life.

I think once you've faced it rewires your brain. "I don't have to live." Is impossible to forget if living is mostly suffering & misery & grief.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I'm a 57f been suicidal on and off since I was 18. Meds helped me for many years until they didn't. So I am grateful I got to have a partially good life that I enjoyed.
Ive been stuck in a severe depression for 3 years now and have tried everything to get better, including ECT and IV Ketamine. But I think this is it for me. My brain is just done and wants me dead. But consider trying meds if you haven't and be warned you may have to try a few before you find one that helps. I never got any bad side effects. I just felt normal.

 

[DarkFriend.]

Once you've isolated for so long, it becomes preferable, and before you know it, you will only stand your own company.

Others? Well the world is simply a nuisance and the universe will swat it like a fly given enough time.