Random thoughts

[http-410]

With each new disappointment, it becomes easier to accept.

 

[Fehler]

Get up, think what you have to do, nothing, lengthen the mobile alarm a little more. Air the floor and have breakfast, not have news of work, go for a walk or some exercise.
Smoking and being on the computer until dawn. Repeat the cycle.

 

[http-410]

Every time I bring myself to go cycling, I encounter annoying headwinds. Also, my bike is disintegrating, just like me.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Jesus, why am I doing it? Why do I have to deep-clean the entire apartment on my only day off because my roommate is having his overly cleanly friend over next day? I know he's not going to help me clean because he simply doesn't give a shit. And I can't avoid giving a shit, because I will be terribly embarrassed if the guest will conclude that our place is a mess.
I really need a break. I am exhausted. I barely sleep. I'm in severe pain. I'm completely overwhelmed with two stressful jobs. I can't handle chores on top of that. But it's all on me. Absolutely no one is around to help.
I'm seriously contemplating just taking my SN today, even though it's seriously not optimal and I know it.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

I felt very guilty today when I went out to feed the birds. I give birds food regularly where I live and when I die there will be no one to feed them I feel guilty about that, I also feed hedgehogs in the garden and bought a little house for them to eat in and not worry about anything sneaking up on them.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I have absolutely 0 motivation to pull myself together. I mean, just look at this world. Why would I want to thrive here? I'd rather just die.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

Can i go now?

Indy?

 

[omoidarui]

Fuck this. There is no reason for this unnecessary suffering. I'm going to end this crap.

hope you're ok, PM me if you want to talk anything through...


Whilst replying to the "Legends of this forum" topic, I noticed how there's only a few active posters who were here when I first joined. I guess that's to be expected with a forum like this, but it's kinda sad when you reference awesome members who were big in mid-2019 or so and now nobody has a clue when you mention them lol. I feel old and has-been

 

[Rue89]

Hopefully in 2 weeks.

 

[bloomingdark]

College is a nightmare, it was my biggest dream to enter my local public university, and when I did my urges to cbt increased like hell

 

[Hirokami]

See, I sort of want to live for myself. Sort of. I do have goals and whatnot but more often than not, it feels like I'm living not to hurt others. My biggest fear is: what if I fail and I'm forced to see the ones around me in tears because I tried to end it all? They'd feel like they have to monitor everything I do and couldn't trust me like they used to. I'd become a burden to everyone and may even lose bonds with people behind it. Whether I'd like to admit it or not, I'm less burdensome alive than dead for many reasons. Maybe one of these days I'd want to live entirely for myself rather than feel like I have to live for others. We'll see.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I just finished binging the old Teen Titans show and I gotta say even though I knew what was gonna happen since I watched it before many years ago, that last episode still fucked me up. Maybe because I've reached peak narcissism I was able to relate the situation in that episode to what happened to me a few months ago. I guess it doesn't help that Terra looks similar to the girl who similarly cut off all ties with me after getting me interested in her. Much like Terra to Beast Boy all this girl wants is to forget me because she deleted her discord account meaning I have no other way of contacting her.

Honestly, I get it, I'm terrible. I know that but it doesn't make my heart any less broken. It's been over half a year but it still hurts the same. It hurts so goddamn much in my chest I can feel my heart actually dying and no amount of drugs or painkillers will make it go away. I know everybody fucking says only time will help but I'm sick of waiting and time hasn't helped at all. It will take at least another decade and by then it'll be too goddamn late for me.

Why hasn't science developed an actual cure for heartbreak yet? This is why I don't give a shit about a covid vaccine, how about a heartbreak vaccine! Make this pain I'm already feeling go away! I've already wasted so much time I swear if it wasn't for the other shows I want to watch or games I want to play I'd have already killed myself weeks ago. I wish I could remove this goddamn burden already.

 

[IWantToSleep]

I don't post here often, I don't have the energy for it, but I'm grateful for the people who still have the will to do the research and share the information they've found. That's all I have to say.

 

[Fehler]

I've had the idea of self-harm for a few days. I have barely cut myself throughout my life, I have always hit walls more but I don't know why it tempts me, although later I put the blade on my arm or leg and I back down ... I don't know why It's so tempting to mark a date on my arm. Maybe so I'm more sure to do it next time?

 

[BehindTheWall]

Decided to put all my stuff in the backpack I use to go to my job.
Might use it this week if things goes wrong.

 

[http-410]

Too much pressure, too much uncertainty. Nervous. No idea what to do. I can't calm down. What do I do if they find out? Too many thoughts about what could go wrong. It's not that bad in principle. Probably it's all just irrational fear.

 

[nerve]

How can I be so incompetent and inept? No one believes me when I try to tell them that I'm not very intelligent but they keep acting like I am and expecting so much more from me than I could ever give.

I just want this stupid fight to be over :( If I really can't do so many things right, why is it such a big deal if Im dead? It's just one less person dragging the world down.

I was so close. If they hadn't taken my SN away from me id probably be dead by now. I was so fucking close and now there's nothing I can do to get out of this disaster. Why does anyone even care so much. Why do I have to keep doing this. I just want to go away. Im so tired and everyone else is too.

 

[http-410]

Geez, I feel terrible, but fortunately not as bad as a few weeks ago.

My mood has deteriorated quite a bit throughout the day, wondering if it's going to get worse.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Here we ducking go again. The only reason why I didn't end up in bed with the guy I'm not attracted to in the slightest, that would forget about me as soon as he'll be out of my door either way, is because my roommate was with us. Apparently I can't resist anyone who is sad. Boundaries? What boundaries? I would blow all of my money on wining and dining him and then would let him grope me all over and fall asleep on my chest because that's probably comforting and I'm trying to be a friend. Bonus points for getting down on my knees and tying his shoelaces because he was too drunk to do it himself. And then I wonder why everyone thinks I'm a hoe with no self respect.

 

[signifying nothing]

As Jack says in the film, I'm thinking:

What if this is as good as it gets?

 

[nerve]

I don't think I'm ever getting out of here

 

[MoreThanAFeeling]

That dreadful moment when your partner wants to fuck but you are too exhausted getting gangbanged and being forced to call life your Daddy.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I'm sick of being so paranoid. The anxiety and stress are going to burn holes in my stomach.

 

[Rue89]

Now that I know the identity of the person who messaged me I feel like shit and anxious. I guess they'll never leave me alone. Honestly I'm nervous to post this, but I'm also sick of being too scared to post anything, so fuck it. Hopefully soon none of it will matter anymore anyway.

 

[Ame]

I think that it might be time to go to sleep soon. We tend to fight against our SI, but perhaps the solution to this problem comes from leaning into it? Tonight, I realized that it is within my power to make it so that things will never get any worse than they are now.

I've been crying so much these days over things that I cannot fix, but it doesn't have to hurt anymore. My pain will never become so severe that it completely burns up my gratitude. I don't have to watch my body rot before my eyes or witness my regrets overtaking my opportunities. My living loved ones will always live while I am living and those who are gone won't haunt me with the shadows of their absence.

So many of the things that I fear and once thought to be inevitable can be avoided forever. Knowing this, I now feel a lot more at peace. It's going to be okay. It's really going to be okay.

This is my peaceful pill.

 

[nerve]

The only person left in my life doesn't want me to ctb because they might get in trouble for it.

I just want to curl up somewhere quiet and die peacefully.

 

[BigNarkoleptic]

human thoughts, are stupid

 

[http-410]

I think I've reached a special point when my first association was SN when I licked a teardrop.

 

[Lmd]

Why can't I just stay quiet in a corner waiting for my death. What an asshole.

 

[KleinerWolf]

Wish I had a dad/uncle that's this cool.
I get to stay there too.