Random thoughts

[262653]

I wanted to do it this morning but then I visited this forum. Now I'm laughing and in a good mood
Damn it. I only have myself to blame. Know thy triggers.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Recently matched with someone on tinder and I'm ambivalent towards her. I don't know enough about her yet so I can take her or leave her but so far our conversation has been very boring, probably my fault. Last thing I said was that I don't have a job right now so it's very possible that she's gonna ghost right now because of that which would really be quite funny.

My mom claims the only reason I'm single is because I don't have a full time job right now but ignoring how obviously biased she is, that's honestly asking way too much of me like what's the point of even trying if I don't have anyone to try for? Myself? Fuck that guy. He can go die for all I care.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

It's the second week in a row of me going to the pub drinking alone. My estimate is that I'd be able to handle about 2 more weeks like this before I slide right back into actively planning my CTB.
I'm drunk and lonely, and I wish I could see the people I love at least fleetingly passing me by. Maybe a wave. Maybe some acknowledgement I still exist.
I have so much affection and gentleness and all kinds of lovey-dovey touchy-feely stuff buried inside of me, and I have nowhere to put it.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I have so much affection and gentleness and all kinds of lovey-dovey touchy-feely stuff buried inside of me, and I have nowhere to put it.

God, the amount of times I've had this exact thought running through my head...Just want you to know I completely sympathize, in the most platonic, boundary-respecting way.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

.Just want you to know I completely sympathize, in the most platonic, boundary-respecting way.

Boundaries? What boundaries?
But seriously, sorry you're dealing with the same stuff. I remember having a discussion about how hard it is for guys to give and receieve affection without it being interpreted in a sexual way and a lot of BS that automatically goes with it, and my heart goes on to everyone who struggles with this issue.
I was convinced that my reason for CTB is being broke and in pain, but now I'm beginning to admit I've been broke and in pain before and could handle it simply because affection does wonders to your mental state. And now I'm wondering how much of my CTB ideation is really just a consequence of being lonely.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I was convinced that my reason for CTB is being broke and in pain, but now I'm beginning to admit I've been broke and in pain before and could handle it simply because affection does wonders to your mental state. And now I'm wondering how much of my CTB ideation is really just a consequence of being lonely.

Yeah exactly, sometimes it feels like I'd be able to survive anything if I wasn't lonely. What doesn't kill me doesn't make me stronger, it just makes me more lonely.

 

[http-410]

At some point I will forget myself and I will embrace it.

 

[strangeceleste]

My cat is so sweet. I'm glad he comes to cuddle when he can tell I'm sad

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Oh, gee, hi dad! Yeah, we haven't spoke in forever, so glad you called and wanted to check up on me for the first time in years!
Oh yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, I've got two jobs. What you just said, "you must be making a lot of money"? Wow, I wonder what the rest of our conversation is going to be about...
How are you doing? Oh my god, the mall where you used to be the vice president closed? So now you don't have a good job anymore? Oh, that's terrible!
Oh, your massive truck that you bought back when you were doing great and I was waiting tables after school broke? That's awful, that must cost a fortune to fix!
Oh, grandpa is sick?! That's terrible I am so upset! I mean, I've never even met grandpa in my entire life, but I'm awfully worried!
Oh, you really want to see me and chat about life? I'll try my best to fit you into my schedule...

JFC, cut straight to the point and tell me how much money do you want out of me. It's so painfully obvious why you suddenly remembered I exist, and it makes me feel so gross when you're pretending to be friendly and loving and to care how I'm doing, while it's this obvious that you couldn't care less and you had absolutely zero interest in me until you wanted something out of me. Maybe it makes me a terrible person, but I'd rather gave those money to any random guy on the street or even burned them, instead of participating in this sickening, pointless imitation of a familiar relationship I'm supposed to have with a man who abandoned me as a baby, where I have to pretend to get some kind of emotional satisfaction in an exchange for my hard earned money he's taking.
When it comes to family, I'd take real hate over fake love any time of the day, because I've seen real loving families and this charade is a mockery of the very concept of that.

 

[http-410]

What should I do? Should I do anything at all? Stuck in limbo. Is this place good for me? It is hardly bearable. I need to get out, away from here, away from everything. It feels like being torn apart and crushed. I wish I'd fall down and get decapitated by the guardrail while cycling downhill.

I don't know what to do if the hotels keep being closed. It almost feels like the time when I didn't have my ticket. Uncertainty. Despair. It would relieve me if everything was arranged so that I can leave at any time at the place I had planned. The way it looks, lockdown will go on for months or years. Just give me the opportunity to finally end it.

I was just about to go cycling, but have now become incredibly tired...

 

[throwaway123]

The only person that can help you is yourself. Don't ever rely on anyone. If I learned anything from being in this absolute misery it's that.

 

[signifying nothing]

"excessive consumption may produce laxative effects" well, I'm gonna find out...

edit: oh, they were right, all my intestinal parasites must be holding on for dear life.

 

[http-410]

There's that feeling again, after a long time of just feeling numb for the most part. The feeling of being put through a meat grinder. Slow and painful. Despair. Depression. Why does therapy make everything worse? Why am I doing this to myself?

Still, I couldn't bring myself to ask how many hours I had left and didn't turn down the next appointment. I'm a coward, so weak.

I can't and I don't want this any more. I'm completely exhausted, worn out, done. It's exhausting to pull myself together each time, only to be shattered again.

I'm going around in circles.

I'm thinking about just shredding all those documents. Including this stupid anti-suicide contract. As if it had ever had any meaning except to upset me. All homework. All kind of protocols, notes and my written down thoughts. I don't need that stuff anymore.

However, I would then have to come up with an excuse and that probably attracts attention. I have to think about it. Maybe I'm too "emotionally" driven right now.

I have no idea.

 

[http-410]

I woke up with the strong impulse to destroy everything personal, but I already did that a year ago. I think there is also anger. It is a destructive energy. I couldn't sleep without a pill, this impulse and feeling grew so strong overnight. How am I going to destroy the photo albums? Still, I would feel a little bad because they were made by my parents.

I wish I had a big fire to throw all the junk into. I need to erase myself. I'm thinking about putting my bottle of SN and a glass by my bed every night so I get used to it.

 

[http-410]

I'm so sorry for her. I'm sorry for everyone. It just makes me sad and thoughtful to see people ctb... I wish there was another way.

 

[Lmd]

Satan give me a sign

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Yesterday it was revealed that one of my favorite Smash players who had been canceled from the entire Smash community a few months ago, recently attempted suicide. Even though it's been a few months I'm pretty sure it was because of his exile from the community over something that is excusable enough that he can atone for his mistakes plus a lot of people are just making up more shit about him. It just makes me so mad. He likely attempted CTB because he never finished school. He grew up poor in Chile. Smash/YouTube was his only income. If it's true that his girlfriend also left him then I have no doubt that that could have contributed too. I just hate how the internet in general has zero nuance when it comes to these things and just want to see people struck down. He always gave me hope that even a loser like me could make it in life at least by trying but now I see it's very clear that I would eventually get canceled too for stupid shit I've said or done if I even tried at anything. Canceling doesn't happen just to famous people, random people get canceled all the time and go viral for like a night until they're supposedly taken down. Maybe some people deserve it, especially me, but I just don't want to live to see that happen either way.

 

[W’ren]

Can i go now?

 

[WornOutLife]

I've just realized that I become more suicidal when trying to remove suicide at a 100% from my mind.
This is me. So glad to be here!

 

[http-410]

I could have been alone today, even though I probably wouldn't have done it at such short notice. But to realize that something unexpected has happened and I don't have the certainty of ever being able to do it alone here makes me even more desperate. There is no place to die "in peace"/without the risk of being found. Or am I just missing something? Am I making excuses?

This day can only get worse.

I'm charging my NC headphones and will try to ignore everything.

 

[strangeceleste]

Just ran for an hour straight (slowly) which is a big achievement for someone who really struggles to get out of bed. Still want to die lol :)

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

Trauma if I stay and trauma when I go

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I am am awful person because I'm horny and I wish I had enough money for sex workers la-la-la I'm sooo going to hell.
I hate myself.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Testing my new scale.


My dealer is not an asshole after all.

 

[Manaaja]

There's a difference between "A and B are equal" and "I want A and B to be equal". Before equality can be achieved, people must admit that A is much better than B and have a will to make B as good as A. If when making B as good as A, B turns into A, that's a good thing. It means equality was achieved.

 

[MoreThanAFeeling]

When you clean your room and realize the only trash that's left is you.

 

[http-410]

Another curfew... I just can't take it anymore.

 

[angelfeather]

Suns out, been sat in the park with a friend for two hours and still want to die...

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Brain fog hitting especially hard today...

 

[http-410]

I'm just... I don't know.

What should I do.

I can't bring myself to beg for help that doesn't exist.

I feel like a wounded animal that just wants its rest. I'm sorry for the people who tried to help me, but their attempts were more like using a stick to elicit a response from a dying animal. I tried to rise up, but I failed.

I can't blame anyone for leaving me hanging. When you know that all your efforts are wasted and I'm going to die someday anyway, why should anyone care. Accepting that hurts beyond belief. I wish someone would recognize the pain, put a blanket over the dying animal, and just be there until it's over.