Psychotic Depression

[StrawberryRed]

I had a very severe depressive episode in which I believed I was evil/cursed and deserved to die. I constructed this whole plan where I would stab myself to death as a way of realising whatever was inside of me and then drink my own blood as a way to " close" the ritual. I also believed that my friends were pretending and were all secretly waiting for me to die because they hated me. I obviously didnt go through with it but I think about it a lot. I was fully convinced I had to do this, I knew it was wierd I guess but I thought it was just neccessary. I would spend all day laying down staring at walls and things like that. I am so ashamed of this I cant imagine EVER telling anyone in real life. I dont know what I'm trying to say, I just needed to talk about it idk I've been scared its happening again. I hate how crazy and unstable I feel all the time.

 

[areyousafe??]

You're not alone. When I was 18, I had my first experience with psychosis, where I believed Satan was telling me to commit suicide, and that he was directing me to commit crimes to "prove" that I'm worthy of his love, because God certainly won't love a useless person. My thinking got very religious, it didn't make sense to anyone else but it made sense to me. Fortunately I started on a strong antipsychotic and got better, it's been years now and I'm no longer psychotic...just depressed.

 

[newstart2000]

Me either, I felt people want to hurt me.