iloveyoualex
Lilah
- Jun 8, 2025
- 2
ever since i was 12 years old i have dreamed of having a husband, someone that could come and save me from the horrible household i live in
(i don't feel like going into detail, but my mother and her behavior over the years is responsible for all my various mental illnesses, plus my current suicidal ideation because she wont let me leave yet treats me horribly while im here)
So over the years i have desperately clung to guys hoping that one of them would end up moving me in with them and help me escape my house. Its been 7 years since i was 12 and that hasnt happened.
The most recent guy i clung to that i thought loved me in fact is crazy and has purposefully gone out of his way to try and ruin my life even further than it already had been. (Because he hates himself for loving me, im trans mtf for context) So i have nobody. I dont have any sort of safety, i cant even talk about any of this on any of the big platforms im on normally because my mom stalks me and she will yell at me and treat me even worse if she sees something she doesnt like.
I have tried to leave her on my own and she has gone to ridiculous efforts to get me back and bring me back home by force against my will and all the people around me let her, i feel like even if i went to a remote country she would still find me and bring me back and keep treating me like shit.
I want to live, but not like this. Who would want to live if they failed so horribly at getting what they want out of life? And its not that hard. All ive wanted is a husband that is attractive and treats me nice and can help me permanently get the fuck out of here. So many people have husbands. So many people have relationships. And it would genuinely be life saving for me, but it hasnt happened.
I dont know what else to do besides kill myself. I dont want her to find my body because she will hug me and try and pick me up and touch me and cry over me and all this crazy shit so i have to take an uber to a remote forest or something where she doesnt have access to me, i would hope she at least doesnt have access to me finally in my final fucking moments lmao. I dont want a funeral and find it insulting actually that she would have one for me and i know she would and everyone would refer to me as my deadname even though ive been publicly out for years and i pass as female with flying colors, yet my deadname is the name that would go on my headstone and they would all say i dont know why HE did it, and use pictures of me from years ago that they know i wouldnt like where i look like a boy and that would make me feel insecure all at my expense just so they can remember the version of me they (extremely selfishly) wish they still had. the thought of all that is so insulting and disgusting to me i cant even put it into words.
I really hate people because of my experience in life. Literally everyone has betrayed me. Every relationship is so fragile and conditional and nobody is loyal, the world is extremely hostile, i consider myself a good person, i am honest, direct, and loyal to the people i care about 100% of the time and i just dont think there is room or any sort of accommodation in society for people like me. Evil people always win. So im out.
(i don't feel like going into detail, but my mother and her behavior over the years is responsible for all my various mental illnesses, plus my current suicidal ideation because she wont let me leave yet treats me horribly while im here)
So over the years i have desperately clung to guys hoping that one of them would end up moving me in with them and help me escape my house. Its been 7 years since i was 12 and that hasnt happened.
The most recent guy i clung to that i thought loved me in fact is crazy and has purposefully gone out of his way to try and ruin my life even further than it already had been. (Because he hates himself for loving me, im trans mtf for context) So i have nobody. I dont have any sort of safety, i cant even talk about any of this on any of the big platforms im on normally because my mom stalks me and she will yell at me and treat me even worse if she sees something she doesnt like.
I have tried to leave her on my own and she has gone to ridiculous efforts to get me back and bring me back home by force against my will and all the people around me let her, i feel like even if i went to a remote country she would still find me and bring me back and keep treating me like shit.
I want to live, but not like this. Who would want to live if they failed so horribly at getting what they want out of life? And its not that hard. All ive wanted is a husband that is attractive and treats me nice and can help me permanently get the fuck out of here. So many people have husbands. So many people have relationships. And it would genuinely be life saving for me, but it hasnt happened.
I dont know what else to do besides kill myself. I dont want her to find my body because she will hug me and try and pick me up and touch me and cry over me and all this crazy shit so i have to take an uber to a remote forest or something where she doesnt have access to me, i would hope she at least doesnt have access to me finally in my final fucking moments lmao. I dont want a funeral and find it insulting actually that she would have one for me and i know she would and everyone would refer to me as my deadname even though ive been publicly out for years and i pass as female with flying colors, yet my deadname is the name that would go on my headstone and they would all say i dont know why HE did it, and use pictures of me from years ago that they know i wouldnt like where i look like a boy and that would make me feel insecure all at my expense just so they can remember the version of me they (extremely selfishly) wish they still had. the thought of all that is so insulting and disgusting to me i cant even put it into words.
I really hate people because of my experience in life. Literally everyone has betrayed me. Every relationship is so fragile and conditional and nobody is loyal, the world is extremely hostile, i consider myself a good person, i am honest, direct, and loyal to the people i care about 100% of the time and i just dont think there is room or any sort of accommodation in society for people like me. Evil people always win. So im out.
