I graduated highschool 2 days ago and i still want to kill myself

[stillbelow]

I finally escaped from the hell that is highschool. It's been a rough journey but I finished with a diploma. 3 failed classes, many many MANY classes skipped and days absent. Iss and detention for my absences. Almost went to court for it. Benadryl od that landed me in the psych ward junior year. Many drugs taken. I feel like theres a certain negative stereotype for young individuals like myself with this background in regards to highschool. I tried my hardest. Many people in my life including family had no hope for me whatsoever. I think they thought im just so lazy i cant even go to school. Who would have thought that the kid who never showed up to school is severely depressed, cuts himself and wants to kill himself? It baffles me that everyone thinks im just lazy. I couldn't get out of bed. I was and am so depressed and exhausted of this hell that is life.

My mom gave me a note yesterday night that she told me to read by myself. She wrote how shes so proud of me and how much she loves me. She also wrote a list of alot of fond memories she has of me growing up. I couldnt help but feel terrible while reading it. I never wanted more than to kill myself while reading it. Why? I dont understand. I know alot of people who would give anything for a supportive mother, and im sorry to those i might offend. But i cant change the way i feel. I dont know why i want to kill myself so badly. I dont know why i dream about hanging myself or slitting my wrists in the bathtub 300 times a day. I just dont want to be here.

i dont really vent or share what i actually feel alot so this is kinda weird for me but to whoever reads this, thanks for ur time.