Venting my world is not ending, but how I wish for it to be

[lainpilled]

hello i am back for another post here on this site. this one is more of a vent more than anything but I do ask for method help to, so
i need to ctb soon. my bpd keeps causing me to hurt my loved ones and they won't leave no matter how many times i beg for them to leave me so i learned i am knee deep in this situation now. theres little that i can do here, but i really want to avoid hurting them with me being mean. so ive decided the best thing that preserves their good memories of me is to ctb. they fell inlove with me despite not knowing who i truly was (my gf cant even spell my name correctly nor can really remember that i have bpd not bipolar which isnt her fault but it still hurts) so now im stuck with people who love me and are so vunerable to being hurt by me, everything that goes against what i want. im a coward and cant leave them while im still alive so here i am yearning to ctb. every compliment and piece of affection hurts my heart more and more. i cant keep hurting them even if they say I dont. now the whole ctb prep is rough. i want a method that is cheap and effective but i do not want to buy sn online; i am not interested in any of that. i just want a method i can easily get and conceal and not getting into trouble for having if i live. i know its not easy but i need help. i cant do this alone.

hello i am back for another post here on this site. this one is more of a vent more than anything but I do ask for method help to, so
i need to ctb soon. my bpd keeps causing me to hurt my loved ones and they won't leave no matter how many times i beg for them to leave me so i learned i am knee deep in this situation now. theres little that i can do here, but i really want to avoid hurting them with me being mean. so ive decided the best thing that preserves their good memories of me is to ctb. they fell inlove with me despite not knowing who i truly was (my gf cant even spell my name correctly nor can really remember that i have bpd not bipolar which isnt her fault but it still hurts) so now im stuck with people who love me and are so vunerable to being hurt by me, everything that goes against what i want. im a coward and cant leave them while im still alive so here i am yearning to ctb. every compliment and piece of affection hurts my heart more and more. i cant keep hurting them even if they say I dont. now the whole ctb prep is rough. i want a method that is cheap and effective but i do not want to buy sn online; i am not interested in any of that. i just want a method i can easily get and conceal and not getting into trouble for having if i live. i know its not easy but i need help. i cant do this alone.

am i alone? i hope you understand how i feel because i feel so isolated and scared

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really awful what you are going through, existing certainly can be so torturous, I really wish there was a straightforward way to just permanently escape from all the suffering, I hate how it's so difficult to cease existing. But anyway best wishes, I hope you eventually find the freedom you are searching for.