My therapist says my goal has to be to fight for life. But the reason I'm there is that I don't want to live.

[lulumoon]

Anybody feeling the same dilemma? I feel I am in therapy because I am suicidal and don't see how life can get better, so as of now cannot say my goal is to continue to live. But maybe some day this can be the goal...Should you only then seek therapy when you decided to live? Not sure I can explain it correctly, too many thoughts at the same time. Grateful for any input:)

 

[TheGoodGuy]

"my therapist says my goal has to be to fight for life" There are several things wrong in that sentence that seems oxymoron to me. So first the word "goal" is something you really want but when you only suffer in life with no reward only struggle after struggle like drowning while being able to get up for a gasp of air while inhaling a bit of water too so barely even holding on, is that really someone´s goal to live no survive just to suffer another day? So you want to "fight" for that which is the other thing wrong in the sentence if you fight you put in a lot of effort it´s a real struggle so you spend all this energy on fighting for this "goal" which is just suffering? It doesn´t make sense to me, if I knew that all this fighting which I have done for over a decade would yield happiness in the end like knowing you would achieve it like in a video game sure I would take the fight but there is NOTHING to be fighting for there are no goals anymore no life worth saving or gaining it´s all gone and I think people are completely delusional if they can´t see that, most people believe in science and statistics so if like in my case I spend 10 years trying to get better while only getting progressively worse year by year then what does that statistic tell you? It tells you the future only holds more suffering so no there is nothing to fight for better to just try and cope or rope it takes far too much energy trying to stay afloat and for what more suffering? No thanks there are 3 stages of life hope, cope and rope and my hope days are over I´m just trying to cope as best I can before I rope.

 

[february in alaska]

I have faced the same problem and it's so frustrating. Going to therapy, getting institutionalized, etc all feel pointless when I don't care about getting better. It's why I feel guilty when people try to help me work through my shit… because no matter how kind they are or what positive things they suggest, I don't want to get better, and so I never will.

 

[lulumoon]

"my therapist says my goal has to be to fight for life" There are several things wrong in that sentence that seems oxymoron to me. So first the word "goal" is something you really want but when you only suffer in life with no reward only struggle after struggle like drowning while being able to get up for a gasp of air while inhaling a bit of water too so barely even holding on, is that really someone´s goal to live no survive just to suffer another day? So you want to "fight" for that which is the other thing wrong in the sentence if you fight you put in a lot of effort it´s a real struggle so you spend all this energy on fighting for this "goal" which is just suffering? It doesn´t make sense to me, if I knew that all this fighting which I have done for over a decade would yield happiness in the end like knowing you would achieve it like in a video game sure I would take the fight but there is NOTHING to be fighting for there are no goals anymore no life worth saving or gaining it´s all gone and I think people are completely delusional if they can´t see that, most people believe in science and statistics so if like in my case I spend 10 years trying to get better while only getting progressively worse year by year then what does that statistic tell you? It tells you the future only holds more suffering so no there is nothing to fight for better to just try and cope or rope it takes far too much energy trying to stay afloat and for what more suffering? No thanks there are 3 stages of life hope, cope and rope and my hope days are over I´m just trying to cope as best I can before I rope.

Thanks for that. You are totally right, I did not think about the words "goal" and "fight" that much. If at all should the prime goal for the therapist not be to keep the person alive? Everything else can only be a secondary more longterm "goal".

I have faced the same problem and it's so frustrating. Going to therapy, getting institutionalized, etc all feel pointless when I don't care about getting better. It's why I feel guilty when people try to help me work through my shit… because no matter how kind they are or what positive things they suggest, I don't want to get better, and so I never will.

Thanks yelena. Is it really that you don't want to get better or more that you know you won't get better? Hope it is okay to ask. Cause I feel that is often the real diemma.

 

[fallintotheshadows]

This is exactly why I don't believe in therapy side note. But yes I feel a therapists goal is to get the person up and working again in society so that they can suffer like everyone else. Why should we do so when the choice to cbt is there. And so when people have the mindset I do or most people in this forum do then there is no getting better or goals other than death.

 

[LetMeBeSad]

Since when does the therapist set the goals? Aren't goals supposed to come from the person trying to achieve them?

 

[J&L383]

This is a difficult ethical and moral dilemma. I do not like that many, if not all therapists, demand that you start with "you have to live no matter what" but that's the bias in today's system. I think there would be more success (with that/their goal) if they approached it differently. Therapy (and drugs and all the other stuff) helps many, but it also fails many. At what point do you throw in the towel? Ultimately that's up to the individual. But I think a reasonable amount of time and effort is worthwhile in all cases. That's my best non-answer.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah- this is why it feels pointless for me to even try therapy. I think the problem with it is it isn't passive. It's not like going to the doctors and receiving pain killers that work without you having to do anything. I feel like therapy involves 'working on yourself'. I feel like you need to want to do that for it to work. So- like you say- if the end goal doesn't seem worth it, it's hard to motivate yourself towards it.

I expect the goal actually is about living with less pain. Most people would agree that they want to avoid pain. Does your therapist even realise you want to CTB? Lots of people don't dare risking telling their therapist this. So, they may not realise that what they're saying is actually the truth- as in you are actually considering death as an option. I think perhaps they are saying it more in terms of a- 'don't expect too much from yourself. Take life a day at a time' blah blah blah.

But yeah- it's kind of ironic- the thing you're supposed to be striving for is the thing you most want to get away from. I wonder how honest you can be with this person. I wonder if it would help.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

If at all should the prime goal for the therapist not be to keep the person alive?

That is why there is no more biased person than a therapist, no matter how much you try to explain that you have suffered for many years or decades and keep suffering and getting worse not just mentally but physically as well you could tell them you have a rare decease that gives you a 9/10 pain rating like your skin in on fire and they will keep pressuring you to keep living only you are not really living you are just existing in this hell filled with pain and suffering. The therapists job is to keep you alive at all costs so your rational arguments are completely invalid to them which is also why it doesn´t make sense to talk to them because they will never tell you the magic words "I can see your suffering is beyond repair and only gets worse and suicide is the rational thing to do" nope to them anyone who wants to commit suicide is mentally ill and not thinking strait which hardly isn´t true for the majority of people with suicidal thoughts. Many suicidal people especially older people who have had suicidal thoughts for many years or over a decade have had plenty of time to weight out the pros and the cons for life and have made a rational decision whether it´s worth to stay alive and suffer or end it and find peace.

 

[niknod]

That is a tall order from a therapist who doesn't seem to have understood you properly. Perhaps you could replace the word "live" with something you feel more comfortable managing (my go-to would be Netflix )

 

[Mayonaise]

I can somewhat relate to what you feel, being in therapy myself - with little to no hope, I must admit.
Telling you to just "fight for life" is not likely to help: you're suicidal right now, you just can't see how things can get better.
That's why you're in therapy. Set the "goal thing" aside because right now you probably can't see yourself committing to a goal.
Your therapist's job is to help you feel better to the point where you'll be able to see things more clearly (and less desperately).

I know you might feel confused but I think I got your point: "why should I try therapy when right now I just want to die?".
That's the point: now you feel like ending your life, but that may change.
You asked "Should I only seek therapy when I decide to live?"
My answer: you believe you can get better, thus you're in therapy. It's simple.
Give your therapist a chance and if you feel he/she is not helping you then find a new one.
As @J&L383 said, an effort is worthwile before throwing the towel, even if in the end you're the only one who decides if/when it's time to leave for good.

I hope I got your point, but most of all I hope my reply makes sense to you. Feel free to PM me if you wish. Take care, buddy.

 

[SilentSadness]

No, your goal doesn't have to be "to fight for life", maybe some people want that but it's insane for them to say that's the only solution. This world is filled with suffering and it's understandable to not want to live.

 

[Abyssal]

Therapists set goals for a direction with treatment in hopes that you accomplish your goal through it. People said there's stuff wrong with it, but i don't see it. What it means is that the therapist intends to take a direction towards making you want to live, because you don't. It makes logical sense.

Therapists create goals because it's what they deem their patient wants, so if you don't think that's why you are getting therapy ask to go a different direction. The therapist must be under the impression that this is why you are seeing them.

 

[Tired_of_myself]

Throught the years, I've been to several kinds of therapists… psychoanalysis, behavior analysis… just in hope to find some help… I'm not gonna to write about the problems i felt during those therapies, but i will say that none really helped me. lol just my experience... because therapy is a space of speech that I feels hierarchical, and I hate this feeling everywhere so I wouldn't like in therapy either lol Also, talking for me is feels tiring and useless. I'm so introspective and talking makes me feel like I want attention. and in fact I really don't want to...

But I believe that talking can help. Like here... Sharing is really helpful, much more than goals I guess. So if find this space in your life, I think is importante... can be here, or in therapy, or with someone you trust...

I'm now 4 months in psychoanalysis again and I failed to ctb last month... because of that, I'm in lithium now and got say, I've been feeling a little better for the past few days. - because of the meds...