Venting My most traumatic experience is impossible for anyone to take seriously

[RosebyAnyName]

When I was a kid, another boy asked me if he could touch my breasts. We were both maybe 6-7 years old / the same age. I was too afraid to say no, so I said yes. Afterwards I felt so disgusted with myself that I cried the rest of the night. It still paralyzes me to this day.

Everyone I've told, including family, friends, and medical professionals / therapists, reacted stupidly or minimized it. "He just liked you," "it's just playing doctor," "what he did was normal and your reaction was abnormal," "why would he wanted to touch your breasts? You were a kid, you didn't have breasts that young." I even saw a similar story online, and everyone sided with the boy and said the girl was delusional / crazy for being upset and that "she's overreacting" and "she just had a lot of healing to do."

I feel like I was sexually assaulted, I hate my body, I don't trust anyone, I don't even trust my own judgement anymore, I have entire hours, days, sometimes weeks where I'm just paralyzed thinking about it, and nobody gives a shit. I'm not even allowed to hate him for putting me in that situation because he was also a child and I said yes, and the consensus I've heard for that type of situation is that he's absolved of all responsibility. It literally was 100% my fault so I have nobody to blame but myself. I hate myself for this, and it feels like I'm the only one stupid enough to have made a decision like that.

Nobody irl has ever taken me seriously. I don't get to have people tell me "it's not my fault" like in cases of actual sexual assault because it really is my fault, or that "my feelings matter" because they actually don't, or that "I did the best I could in that situation" because I didn't. All of my suffering is my own fault and I just can't take the shame and guilt anymore. I know if I ever told anyone else, they'd just side with the boy and think I'm stupid. I don't even side with myself anymore, I'm just a stupid female and I deserve to be hurt by men because I'm dumb.

 

[Arahant]

I read this.
I imagined being in your situation.
I felt the revolt, anger and confusion afterward.

Your suffering matters to me.
I went through similar things.
You never deserved that, and I feel genuinely sorry that it happened to you.

If you feel it would be good for you, I want to give you space to vent further.
I don't know if it would be right for you or not, but some feel that it does.
I am very tired and might not reply for a while, but I will be listening and you wont be alone with this anymore.

May there come a day soon for you, where it feels like none of this ever happened.
add: I have rambled about the Flash technique for PTSD before, and will do again if you want to know how effective trauma healing can work.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

If you feel it would be good for you, I want to give you space to vent further.

I think I just wish there was an easier answer than "it's my fault." I want to believe he just did something bad to me, but everyone insists that he just didn't know. I want to believe it was the fault of the adults in my life for not protecting me, but they weren't around at the time. I want to believe that society is at fault for not doing a better job at helping me stand up for myself, but that's kind of a ridiculous thing to expect, and other kids didn't seem to have the same issues with autonomy compared to me.

I guess the most frustrating part is sometimes it feels like, for every time I was taught about stranger danger and "just say no" and all that, I was taught a hundred other times from my parents and teachers, and from the media's depictions of girls, to always accommodate others. I remember being young and feeling like maintaining boundaries was too difficult and not worth the arguments it caused.

add: I have rambled about the Flash technique for PTSD before, and will do again if you want to know how effective trauma healing can work.

I'm interested.

Right now I'm also considering EMDR because talk therapy and CBT has been ineffective.

 

[divinemistress36]

Look into emdr for sure its suppose to be very effective for trauma

 

[CatLvr]

I think I just wish there was an easier answer than "it's my fault." I want to believe he just did something bad to me, but everyone insists that he just didn't know. I want to believe it was the fault of the adults in my life for not protecting me, but they weren't around at the time. I want to believe that society is at fault for not doing a better job at helping me stand up for myself, but that's kind of a ridiculous thing to expect, and other kids didn't seem to have the same issues with autonomy compared to me.

I guess the most frustrating part is sometimes it feels like, for every time I was taught about stranger danger and "just say no" and all that, I was taught a hundred other times from my parents and teachers, and from the media's depictions of girls, to always accommodate others. I remember being young and feeling like maintaining boundaries was too difficult and not worth the arguments it caused.


I'm interested.

Right now I'm also considering EMDR because talk therapy and CBT has been ineffective.

You are not alone. I hope the EMDR works for you.

 

[notprettyenough]

It's not your fault, he might have been a kid, but he should have never asked that, it's still wrong & creepy and he cleary had a bad home life to be acting like that at 6.

You are not dumb and it's not your fault, you were a child who didn't understand and you are a victim, doesn't matter if the perpetrator was aware if it was wrong or not. You were in a pressuring situation, and you were wayyy wayy to young to consent.

You're not a dumb female, you're a woman who had a bad SA at a very young age, you don't deserve to be treated badly by men. It was wrong of that kid to do that, he might also be a victim and not know better, but he was wrong for it.

I can feel the pain and anger when I hear this story, trust me you're not over reacting, there's lots of therapists who are comforting and understanding of trauma, and they dont dismiss it.

 

[etherealgoddess]

When I was a kid, another boy asked me if he could touch my breasts. We were both maybe 6-7 years old / the same age. I was too afraid to say no, so I said yes. Afterwards I felt so disgusted with myself that I cried the rest of the night. It still paralyzes me to this day.

Everyone I've told, including family, friends, and medical professionals / therapists, reacted stupidly or minimized it. "He just liked you," "it's just playing doctor," "what he did was normal and your reaction was abnormal," "why would he wanted to touch your breasts? You were a kid, you didn't have breasts that young." I even saw a similar story online, and everyone sided with the boy and said the girl was delusional / crazy for being upset and that "she's overreacting" and "she just had a lot of healing to do."

I feel like I was sexually assaulted, I hate my body, I don't trust anyone, I don't even trust my own judgement anymore, I have entire hours, days, sometimes weeks where I'm just paralyzed thinking about it, and nobody gives a shit. I'm not even allowed to hate him for putting me in that situation because he was also a child and I said yes, and the consensus I've heard for that type of situation is that he's absolved of all responsibility. It literally was 100% my fault so I have nobody to blame but myself. I hate myself for this, and it feels like I'm the only one stupid enough to have made a decision like that.

Nobody irl has ever taken me seriously. I don't get to have people tell me "it's not my fault" like in cases of actual sexual assault because it really is my fault, or that "my feelings matter" because they actually don't, or that "I did the best I could in that situation" because I didn't. All of my suffering is my own fault and I just can't take the shame and guilt anymore. I know if I ever told anyone else, they'd just side with the boy and think I'm stupid. I don't even side with myself anymore, I'm just a stupid female and I deserve to be hurt by men because I'm dumb.

I want to say that you are not alone. I also had a situation that seems small on the outside but traumatized for years giving paralyzing panic attacks. I literally would feel like I was going to die every time I had a panic attack. You're not alone. And your feelings are valid and important. You do not need to read stories and find people who understand how you feel to know your feelings are worthy and valid. They already are. <3 I take it seriously. I get it.

I had that thing too where I thought that my life should have been more traumatizing for me to be feeling this way, but that's not how trauma works. Trauma has two sides: your physical body/mind/brain and the experience itself. We might just happen to have a physical body/mind/brain that is more susceptible to trauma. That still makes our trauma very valid. Someone isn't stronger for just happening to be born with a better physical body/mind/brain that doesn't get traumatized as easily. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with US. If others had our body/mind/experiences, they would react the exact same. Our reactions are normal and valid. The first thing we need to do is give ourselves some self love. We have these wacko brains and bodies. The last thing we need to do is shame ourselves. <3

 

[Arahant]

I think I just wish there was an easier answer than "it's my fault." I want to believe he just did something bad to me, but everyone insists that he just didn't know. I want to believe it was the fault of the adults in my life for not protecting me, but they weren't around at the time. I want to believe that society is at fault for not doing a better job at helping me stand up for myself, but that's kind of a ridiculous thing to expect, and other kids didn't seem to have the same issues with autonomy compared to me.

I guess the most frustrating part is sometimes it feels like, for every time I was taught about stranger danger and "just say no" and all that, I was taught a hundred other times from my parents and teachers, and from the media's depictions of girls, to always accommodate others. I remember being young and feeling like maintaining boundaries was too difficult and not worth the arguments it caused.


I'm interested.

Right now I'm also considering EMDR because talk therapy and CBT has been ineffective.

Of all the accounts I have heard of traumas, what you describe feeling and believing is so consistent.
Feeling like it's my fault, shifting the blame, seeking help from people who are ill equipped to really "reach" the pain and undo it...

In my own experience, the weirdest thing is, all those beliefs and thoughts can shift around on their own when the underlying pain is gone.
It's a conundrum like the chicken or egg; is it the beliefs causing the feelings, or the feelings causing the beliefs?

Have done a few hundred hours of EMDR. I can vouch that it does work.
Major caveat being, it works as well as you are able to feel safe and/or trust a skilled provider to guide you.
This can be circumvented somewhat with the Flash technique (which was invented by an EMDR master).

Flash is incredibly safe, easy and pleasant compared to standard protocol EMDR (which can cause serious retraumatization if done poorly without guidance).
Flash is what EMTs learn some places in the world, to treat emergent psychological shock traumas.

You can try it online and experience that it does move your perception of distress around the trauma from say 9/10 to 6/10 in 10 minutes. Knowing that, you have proof you can heal. Knowing it's not permanent can do wonders for mental health.

 

[spiritualvirgin]

When I was a kid, another boy asked me if he could touch my breasts. We were both maybe 6-7 years old / the same age. I was too afraid to say no, so I said yes. Afterwards I felt so disgusted with myself that I cried the rest of the night. It still paralyzes me to this day.

Everyone I've told, including family, friends, and medical professionals / therapists, reacted stupidly or minimized it. "He just liked you," "it's just playing doctor," "what he did was normal and your reaction was abnormal," "why would he wanted to touch your breasts? You were a kid, you didn't have breasts that young." I even saw a similar story online, and everyone sided with the boy and said the girl was delusional / crazy for being upset and that "she's overreacting" and "she just had a lot of healing to do."

I feel like I was sexually assaulted, I hate my body, I don't trust anyone, I don't even trust my own judgement anymore, I have entire hours, days, sometimes weeks where I'm just paralyzed thinking about it, and nobody gives a shit. I'm not even allowed to hate him for putting me in that situation because he was also a child and I said yes, and the consensus I've heard for that type of situation is that he's absolved of all responsibility. It literally was 100% my fault so I have nobody to blame but myself. I hate myself for this, and it feels like I'm the only one stupid enough to have made a decision like that.

Nobody irl has ever taken me seriously. I don't get to have people tell me "it's not my fault" like in cases of actual sexual assault because it really is my fault, or that "my feelings matter" because they actually don't, or that "I did the best I could in that situation" because I didn't. All of my suffering is my own fault and I just can't take the shame and guilt anymore. I know if I ever told anyone else, they'd just side with the boy and think I'm stupid. I don't even side with myself anymore, I'm just a stupid female and I deserve to be hurt by men because I'm dumb.

first of all i'm so sorry that this happened to you. i am a survivor of sexual assault and rape myself and i'm so sorry to hear how insensitive people around you have treated you. to me what you're describing is a case of sexual assault, even if it's not the childs fault because children don't have that kind of awareness yet, the child grew up in a deeply patriarchal society, where sexual assault is way to normalized and children sometimes reproduce this kind of behavior. i understand that you feel like you can't be mad at a child who didn't know what they were doing, but you definitely can be mad at the circumstances under which children reproduce assaultive behavior. when i experienced sexual assault i was 11 years old and one of the scariest things, in the years after it happened was, that i was sexualized when i didn't even know what sexuality really meant yet. it felt like my body was "put in its place" as an (worthless) sexobject and that before i could develop a healthy relationship to my body myself, i suffered from that alot and i'm so sorry to see that people talked down on you when you talked about your experience with being sexualized as a child. nobody should be sexualized as a child, no matter if the person doing it is doing it consciously or not. besides that, you were also a child, of course you didn't know what to do.
i hope you will recover from it, even if it's hard and can take a long time. thank you for sharing your story and it's not your fault <3

 

[fleetingnight]

People's intentions never erase trauma, and no one should act like it does. You have a right to be upset with him whether he knew better or not, because he did do something wrong to you.

And, children need a lot of grace for their lack of experience, but they definitely are capable of wrongdoing and of having selfish/shitty intentions. I think an example of this a lot of people can accept is bullying. Kids can be cruel on purpose, know they're being cruel, and keep doing it anyways.

 

[huzzahhue56]

When I was a kid, another boy asked me if he could touch my breasts. We were both maybe 6-7 years old / the same age. I was too afraid to say no, so I said yes. Afterwards I felt so disgusted with myself that I cried the rest of the night. It still paralyzes me to this day.

Everyone I've told, including family, friends, and medical professionals / therapists, reacted stupidly or minimized it. "He just liked you," "it's just playing doctor," "what he did was normal and your reaction was abnormal," "why would he wanted to touch your breasts? You were a kid, you didn't have breasts that young." I even saw a similar story online, and everyone sided with the boy and said the girl was delusional / crazy for being upset and that "she's overreacting" and "she just had a lot of healing to do."

I feel like I was sexually assaulted, I hate my body, I don't trust anyone, I don't even trust my own judgement anymore, I have entire hours, days, sometimes weeks where I'm just paralyzed thinking about it, and nobody gives a shit. I'm not even allowed to hate him for putting me in that situation because he was also a child and I said yes, and the consensus I've heard for that type of situation is that he's absolved of all responsibility. It literally was 100% my fault so I have nobody to blame but myself. I hate myself for this, and it feels like I'm the only one stupid enough to have made a decision like that.

Nobody irl has ever taken me seriously. I don't get to have people tell me "it's not my fault" like in cases of actual sexual assault because it really is my fault, or that "my feelings matter" because they actually don't, or that "I did the best I could in that situation" because I didn't. All of my suffering is my own fault and I just can't take the shame and guilt anymore. I know if I ever told anyone else, they'd just side with the boy and think I'm stupid. I don't even side with myself anymore, I'm just a stupid female and I deserve to be hurt by men because I'm dumb.

I know exactly how you feel and it makes me want to die really badly. Nobody gives a single fuck about holding anyone who does bad things accountable and just wants to make endless excuses. All of those people are fucking evil and disgusting and even when their saying that its not ur fault they'll still never say that the person who did it is a shitty person or deserves bad things to happen to them, because they fucking do if their going to ruin someone innocent like that. It makes me so enraged and nobody deserves to feel this way and I understand it because I've been through it and it makes me so angry, its insane. I'm not trying to make it about me I'm just saying I feel what you feel in hopes that you feel less alone and know that your not just one person whos going insane and that everything your saying is valid and unjust

People's intentions never erase trauma, and no one should act like it does. You have a right to be upset with him whether he knew better or not, because he did do something wrong to you.

And, children need a lot of grace for their lack of experience, but they definitely are capable of wrongdoing and of having selfish/shitty intentions. I think an example of this a lot of people can accept is bullying. Kids can be cruel on purpose, know they're being cruel, and keep doing it anyways.

wild comment tbh, lack of experience doesn't mean jackshit when its something like this. for him its just another day for her its suffering. you take these things too lightly to understand anything.

 

[astr4]

no they don't I hope you get touched, people like you are the reason people end it because you dgaf and want to let people get away with everything

so did you read the full reply before getting all keyboard warrior or did u just wanna yell at someone today?

 

[huzzahhue56]

I want to say that you are not alone. I also had a situation that seems small on the outside but traumatized for years giving paralyzing panic attacks. I literally would feel like I was going to die every time I had a panic attack. You're not alone. And your feelings are valid and important. You do not need to read stories and find people who understand how you feel to know your feelings are worthy and valid. They already are. <3 I take it seriously. I get it.

I had that thing too where I thought that my life should have been more traumatizing for me to be feeling this way, but that's not how trauma works. Trauma has two sides: your physical body/mind/brain and the experience itself. We might just happen to have a physical body/mind/brain that is more susceptible to trauma. That still makes our trauma very valid. Someone isn't stronger for just happening to be born with a better physical body/mind/brain that doesn't get traumatized as easily. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with US. If others had our body/mind/experiences, they would react the exact same. Our reactions are normal and valid. The first thing we need to do is give ourselves some self love. We have these wacko brains and bodies. The last thing we need to do is shame ourselves.

the reason your traumatised has to do with people not supporting and invalidating you, research shows that people develop PSTD if they aren't supported after a traumatic event. Its not about how easily your traumatised, everything in life is down to pure luck and if you have good friends and family or if you have rubbish people that make light of horrible things that happen to you and dgaf. Don't blame yourself ever, they aren't in your shoes and if they were they'd be the same. Alot of people are in a place of privilege by pure chance and won't understand because they have a good support system or are not at the wrong place at the wrong time by pure luck so they can stand there and say this trash to people and make them want to die, ignore them you are strong for going through these types of things, it is very difficult, those normies wouldn't be able to deal.

so did you read the full reply before getting all keyboard warrior or did u just wanna yell at someone today?

what are you talking about? sorry but you need to calm down. I'm not sure what your rambling about, perhaps it would be good to take some deep breaths instead of acting like this, I am just a user online, no need for the keyboard warrior attacks

 

[astr4]

@ op, i think one of the biggest ways our parents let us down (it's small but significant!!) is in the way they praise us for being "nice" and "accommodating" and really praising us for not having boundaries at all… we're so conditioned ESPECIALLY if you're AFAB to just… be submissive and docile.

did you come on here to keyboard warrior and fight with me because your pathetic life is unfulfilled or what? :3

my guy ur on a suicide forum ur just as pathetic as all of us

hope you get touched and never recover from it, it would make me happy :3 did you even read it? some people are illiterate, go back to school. it said "And, children need a lot of grace for their lack of experience" ???? there are heaps of intentionally evil people you don't need grace for being a pos just because your 5. now stop arguing

i was touched and didn't recover from it thanks weirdo really showing ur true colours though yikes, unfortunate that some of us become just as scummy as our rapists :/

they literally said "but" in the sentence and go on to elaborate on WHY it's a bad idea to give them carte blanche. learn to read before you react

nice edits but i literally quoted ur reply dummy

 

[uglyugly]

I'm a survivor of sexual abuse that occurred mainly between ages 3-9. If you were uncomfortable with what was going on, then it was not ok. The abuse is not/was not your fault. I'm guessing most people who have responded to you (outside of this site I mean) are considering the boy's age and seeing him as a child as well, but why would a child that age be acting out sexually? That is absolutely not normal. Kids 6 and 7 rarely tend to act out sexually unless they themselves had been molested. So, just being on the outside, I am guessing part of the reason why you were so uncomfortable was his intention, which I am sure you could feel. What you described does not sound like someone playing doctor, it sounds like he reenacted abuse he experienced or witnessed. Please know that I am NOT excusing his behavior in any way, shape or form. Regardless of the reason he did it, what he did was not ok at all!

I understand the self hatred, the body hatred, and the shame of being abused. It took me years in a group for sexual abuse survivors to understand it was not my fault. It took a hell of a lot of work, but I am on the other side of that mountain now. I still hate my body, but now it's because I am old and it is failing me.

The worst thing my abuser did to me wasn't the sexual abuse, it was making me think I was crazy for "over reacting" to the abuse. He taught me not to trust my own instincts, observations and beliefs. But he was and is still wrong, and so is the boy who did that to you. Please trust yourself, your instincts and your interpretation of that event. No one can get it unless they have been in that situation, but just because others don't get it doesn't mean it didn't have a lasting impact. You have every right to think and feel what you do.

It wasn't your fault. Please know that you are not alone.

 

[peerlesscucumber]

Not your fault at all.
Maybe he was still a kid and maybe didn't know what he was doing, but that doesn't mean your trauma or what you're feeling isn't valid. ((Coming from someone who got SA'd by a 96yr old woman))
No matter how ridiculous or how out of the ordinary to others you may think your trauma sounds like it doesn't mean you're not valid.
I sadly don't have any resources to share with you but I hope that some day you may heal and get rid of all this bitterness you're feeling

 

[hereornot]

I understand you. I also went through things when I was that age but the woman was around 30 at the time.

I never told anyone because they wouldn't believe me and would invalidate everything I could say. She is now almost 70 and continues with these behaviors.

The feeling of not being able to do anything is sad because memories come back with age and that's not good.

Hugs.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel so bad for you. To be honest, it's the sort of thing I would have just let happen too because I was quite a timid and accomodating child. It really wasn't your fault. It's hard to really blame him either being that young. Although, you have to wonder what his parents were like. The fact that he asked you beforehand suggests to me that he did realise it wasn't something you just do to someone. That they may in fact object to it. I don't know. Just seems so off to me. But then, children are sexualised so young now. I find it really disturbing to be honest. Although, I'm terribly prudish I guess.

I think it's terrible that no one has given you the sympathy you deserve. Regardless of where to place the blame- definitely not on you but it's complicated- him being so young too. But, of course this would have been traumatic for you. Really, anything that is deeply upsetting someone should be taken seriously by others. Doesn't matter if they think they would have handled it differently or, reacted to it differently. The fact that it is upsetting a person this much ought to tell them to not just dismiss it or belittle it. I'm so sorry.

 

[lawlietsph]

I am so sorry you had to go through this. Your feelings are 10000% valid and I think many people in your situation would feel exactly the same.
It's such a shame that you can't even talk about this to medical professionals.
I've put myself in your place for a second, and I'm pretty sure I'd feel violated and assaulted as hell too.
I am a female btw, it made me remember about a very painful sexual trauma of mine; when I was around 8, and was playing games on my uncle's computer, but accidentally opened his saved hardcore porn. Well, nobody did anything to me, nobody touched me, but I've felt sick to my stomach and couldn't eat for days. I swear, it traumatized me for a lifetime, and this is why I feel dirty, ugly, worthless, and as an object as a woman -up to this day.
So I can only imagine what it must be like for you. I am just so sorry, I don't even understand how anyone can be a therapist, doctor or anything without taking these stuff sooooo seriously.
My therapist laughed me in the face when I was deeply grieving my dead dog and cat. She just couldn't find it serious enough, I guess So, yeah. I wish there was someone in your life to help you get over this trauma. I am so sorry op

 

[F@#$]

Not ok. That boy was probably being inappropriately touched by someone also.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I am so sorry you had to go through this. Your feelings are 10000% valid and I think many people in your situation would feel exactly the same.
It's such a shame that you can't even talk about this to medical professionals.
I've put myself in your place for a second, and I'm pretty sure I'd feel violated and assaulted as hell too.
I am a female btw, it made me remember about a very painful sexual trauma of mine; when I was around 8, and was playing games on my uncle's computer, but accidentally opened his saved hardcore porn. Well, nobody did anything to me, nobody touched me, but I've felt sick to my stomach and couldn't eat for days. I swear, it traumatized me for a lifetime, and this is why I feel dirty, ugly, worthless, and as an object as a woman -up to this day.
So I can only imagine what it must be like for you. I am just so sorry, I don't even understand how anyone can be a therapist, doctor or anything without taking these stuff sooooo seriously.
My therapist laughed me in the face when I was deeply grieving my dead dog and cat. She just couldn't find it serious enough, I guess So, yeah. I wish there was someone in your life to help you get over this trauma. I am so sorry op

Early and inappropriate exposure to porn heavily influenced the way I contextualized not just my trauma, but everything after. It's really messed up how non-nonchalant people are with inappropriate porn exposure. I'm really sorry this happened to you and I relate to what you said about feeling dirty or like an object.

I feel so bad for you. To be honest, it's the sort of thing I would have just let happen too because I was quite a timid and accomodating child. It really wasn't your fault. It's hard to really blame him either being that young. Although, you have to wonder what his parents were like. The fact that he asked you beforehand suggests to me that he did realise it wasn't something you just do to someone. That they may in fact object to it. I don't know. Just seems so off to me. But then, children are sexualised so young now. I find it really disturbing to be honest. Although, I'm terribly prudish I guess.

I think it's terrible that no one has given you the sympathy you deserve. Regardless of where to place the blame- definitely not on you but it's complicated- him being so young too. But, of course this would have been traumatic for you. Really, anything that is deeply upsetting someone should be taken seriously by others. Doesn't matter if they think they would have handled it differently or, reacted to it differently. The fact that it is upsetting a person this much ought to tell them to not just dismiss it or belittle it. I'm so sorry.

Thank you for your kind words.

I feel like, in my mind, it's not just that one boy did something bad to me, or that I didn't have the support systems I needed to help understand my experiences, it's that everyone else in my life "sided with him." My own parents "sided" with a random boy instead of their own daughter, therapists "sided" with him instead of their own client who paid to be there, etc. People always focused on him, his behaviour, why he acted that way (and why what he did is actually normal and I should get over myself). When has anyone in my life (outside this forum) "sided" with me? Or asked about what I was feeling or why I reacted how I did in that situation? Why aren't people justifying my experiences?

Which leads me to...

@ op, i think one of the biggest ways our parents let us down (it's small but significant!!) is in the way they praise us for being "nice" and "accommodating" and really praising us for not having boundaries at all… we're so conditioned ESPECIALLY if you're AFAB to just… be submissive and docile.

This hits the nail on the head. My support system felt superficial, even when I was young I might have felt "safe", but never "secure". I didn't fully know why at the time, but I'm starting to see it now as an adult. I felt like, because I was a girl, I was told I'm special, untouchable, wanted and beloved, except when something bad happened, in which case it wasn't his fault and he was also just a kid, don't be a bad girl, don't act out, stop talking about it and get over yourself. I still really struggle to maintain boundaries, and a part of me doesn't wanted to admit that I was failed by a lot more people than I thought.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Heard and felt on all counts OP. IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT. I was exposed to things early on and it definitely dictated my behavior and thinking going forward. Hoping sincerely that some of the techniques mentioned above can give you some relief. Feel free to convo me if you ever want to vent or just talk<3

 

[antihydra]

child on child sexual assault is still sexual assault. I am so sorry you're experiencing external belittling and internal turmoil; it's a traumatic experience and especially hard to process due to it being far away in time. Healing from this is possible. As a child, I was also sexually assaulted, but did not realize until just recently. It's taking time and patience, but I will heal from it, and so will you. I have faith in you.