deadngoresurgery
Jezebel
- Jan 10, 2026
- 77
before i start, a bit about me, im an evil person and ive been lying to some people, especially the guy i was talking with. i am a lying stupid bitch. i am not looking to gain sympathy for this post, i deserve none, i just need to vent out my thoughts because its killing me inside and the pain is unbearable. dont tell me that i still deserve my life because i know i dont, i never will. i know people will hate me. i understand, its completely justified. i just want to kill myself already so i dont hurt anyone anymore. send me d3ath thr3ats, i dont even mind. im just a horrible person.
well thats it. no more. the guy ive been talking with decided to end things with me for good. this is all my fault. i was too indecisive between two guys. yesterday, he tells me he no longer wants to see me, be with me, touch me, nothing. he feels disgusted by me. and i understand. i slept only 2 hours last night. he looked through my phone and read my chats on instagram from when i was with my ex boyfriend. he already knew i had a boyfriend at the time. so he decided to read our messages and i told him not to because it would hurt him. he felt betrayed, used, manipulated by me. and now i understand why. i couldnt fucking choose. holy fuck i regret doing any of this, it hurts so bad to think about how he's even feeling right now. he told me he didnt feel anything. but it would start hurting later. hes definitely gonna smoke to cope with what he saw. he wanted to see the whatsapp messages between me and my ex but i had deleted the chat because i felt no need to keep it since he was my ex. probably also because deep down, i didnt want him to see the chats anyway. they were way too personal. i only kept the instagram and sms ones since they were just short lived and i didnt pay much attention to it. he thought i still had feelings for my ex because i talked to him a bit before he went off to the military. i didnt have feelings for him anymore. i told him i had stopped talking with him in february, but what i had meant is that is when i stopped having feelings for him.
after that, i only talked to my ex to make sure he didnt do anything to himself (he cut himself when i tried breaking up with him and its all my fault) and to say goodbye for when he went to the military in march. so he felt lied to, and i understand. i didnt tell him. i shouldve. i dont know why i didnt. i was too much of a pussy ass coward for this. he feels like an object, like i used him for sex. i didnt only care for the sex. i just wish he knew how i was truly feeling. he thinks im lying about everything because i lied to him before, but it makes sense. i brought this upon myself. im the reason why this all happened. i had sex with my ex, then afterwards breaking up, i had sex with the guy. i lied to him and told him i didnt do it with my ex. and i did. so i confessed to him. he felt even more hurt that i lied to him. i cant believe this. this was 3 months ago when that happened with my ex. he feels used, like i just wanted him for sex. and its my fault, i couldnt control my fucking self. im hypersexual, but thats no excuse. theres no excuse for anything ive done. i wish i wasnt hypersexual. why cant i just be asexual?? why? fucking why.
i hate hoping that he'll come back because he wont. he made it clear he doesnt want to hang out with me, he doesnt wanna see me or talk to me, nothing. he'll hopefully find someone better, but i dont want him to. i want to change and be with him. i think hes the one. but lol, who am i kidding?? i already had a lot of chances to change and i never fucking did. i kept lying because thats what i am. a lying fucking slut. i dont even know why im doing this, i think its because i was too selfish. i kept wanting more and more attention, but that ended up hurting others, which is not something i wanted to do. i also wanted to help them, but my fucking selfishness went out of control. i was supposed to choose between the guy and my ex, but i waited too long and ended up hurting both of them. and now hes gone forever. its all my fault. i had fallen in love with the other guy, but i had chosen too late. he gave me 5 fucking months to choose and i didnt. it seems i was just playing around, thinking i could have them both. but no, thats not how it should be.
if i could back in time to 3 months ago, i wouldve beat myself up. i wouldve stabbed her in the fucking back, ripped open her guts and slit her throat to prevent her from lying to these guys. i didnt deserve any of them. my feelings got way out of control and i lied to both of them to keep them around. what the fuck is wrong with me??? i cant even imagine how hes feeling. devastated and heartbroken, after finding out i lied to him. he doesnt believe hes special, he doesnt believe hes good enough, he felt ignored by me, because i was doing shit with my ex. i destroyed his feelings for my own selfishness. hes gonna feel an insane amount of hurt for this. and i knew he had his own mental issues. and guess what? he still tried to help me despite all this. and this is how i fucking repay him? im an evil cunt who cant control my feelings or boundaries and thats why i hurt others. i didnt fucking mean to, i didnt. but i did. nothing will change or erase that fact. theres no hope for me. my parents raised a stupid fucking daughter. they shouldve aborted me. the guy would ghost me a lot, but he wished i would talk to him or call him during that time. but i didnt think hed ever wanna see me. but i deserved that. any kind of hurt he put onto me was 100% deserved. i deserve the worst. and he still wishes me the best. he said he still somehow loved me. i was talking with my ex early march before he left to the military to say goodbye and i didnt fucking tell him. why the fuck didnt i. that hurt him. i saw it in his eyes. holy fucking shit, seeing his eyes and lips curl like puppy doll eyes and his voice breaking just fucking broke me. and now he finally left me for good. "ive always loved you, vee". that was the last thing he told me before leaving. he didnt yell, anything. he just looked so numb. he was still nice to me. cared about me. i cared about him too, but other shit got in the fucking way.
he looked numb, he looked so fucking hurt and betrayed. seeing him like that is ingrained in my mind and will forever haunt me. god i wish i could take his pain away. reverse everything i ever fucking did. i would take the pain of him and my ex in an instant. i deserve it. i had given him my phone and he deleted his own contact off my phone, he deleted the pictures of him and me off my phone and laptop, my only comfort. i also remember i had 2 screenshots of some sexual text messages between me and him because it was messages of him and because im a hypersexual fucking slut. and he felt that i only wanted him for sex. i really did not. i wish he knew that. but itll never happen. he'll never believe me again. he has no reason to whatsoever. i love him so much. i genuinely did. i didnt want his body only. he was one of the only ones that actually ever fucking cared for me. he made me feel like i was actually worth something. i felt alive. but i was still attached to my ex and wasnt ready for the relationship, so this bullshit happened because of me. i am a monster, i just destroy people. i couldnt control myself and theres no excuse for that. none. zero.
so i just want to kill myself now. i dont care, i just want to end my worthless pathetic life. i dont wanna hurt anyone anymore and i cant stand to see him with someone else. i need to know the quickest way, like a gun, but i unfortunately dont have access to one. if someone can DM me and give me solutions to how i can end it quickly, please do. i need to die. i cant bear this guilt i feel, its destroying me. i physically cannot do any of my tasks in school, i cant stop thinking about this situation, what the future will be like. no, i cant do this. im scared of what i might do again. i could go out of control. i fucking hate myself more that anybody on this earth. i had such a fucking unstable relationship all because of me. and i hate that i fear being alone. WHY??? what the fuck?? i hate this shit so much. i hate my shit life. i need to die. now.
well thats it. no more. the guy ive been talking with decided to end things with me for good. this is all my fault. i was too indecisive between two guys. yesterday, he tells me he no longer wants to see me, be with me, touch me, nothing. he feels disgusted by me. and i understand. i slept only 2 hours last night. he looked through my phone and read my chats on instagram from when i was with my ex boyfriend. he already knew i had a boyfriend at the time. so he decided to read our messages and i told him not to because it would hurt him. he felt betrayed, used, manipulated by me. and now i understand why. i couldnt fucking choose. holy fuck i regret doing any of this, it hurts so bad to think about how he's even feeling right now. he told me he didnt feel anything. but it would start hurting later. hes definitely gonna smoke to cope with what he saw. he wanted to see the whatsapp messages between me and my ex but i had deleted the chat because i felt no need to keep it since he was my ex. probably also because deep down, i didnt want him to see the chats anyway. they were way too personal. i only kept the instagram and sms ones since they were just short lived and i didnt pay much attention to it. he thought i still had feelings for my ex because i talked to him a bit before he went off to the military. i didnt have feelings for him anymore. i told him i had stopped talking with him in february, but what i had meant is that is when i stopped having feelings for him.
after that, i only talked to my ex to make sure he didnt do anything to himself (he cut himself when i tried breaking up with him and its all my fault) and to say goodbye for when he went to the military in march. so he felt lied to, and i understand. i didnt tell him. i shouldve. i dont know why i didnt. i was too much of a pussy ass coward for this. he feels like an object, like i used him for sex. i didnt only care for the sex. i just wish he knew how i was truly feeling. he thinks im lying about everything because i lied to him before, but it makes sense. i brought this upon myself. im the reason why this all happened. i had sex with my ex, then afterwards breaking up, i had sex with the guy. i lied to him and told him i didnt do it with my ex. and i did. so i confessed to him. he felt even more hurt that i lied to him. i cant believe this. this was 3 months ago when that happened with my ex. he feels used, like i just wanted him for sex. and its my fault, i couldnt control my fucking self. im hypersexual, but thats no excuse. theres no excuse for anything ive done. i wish i wasnt hypersexual. why cant i just be asexual?? why? fucking why.
i hate hoping that he'll come back because he wont. he made it clear he doesnt want to hang out with me, he doesnt wanna see me or talk to me, nothing. he'll hopefully find someone better, but i dont want him to. i want to change and be with him. i think hes the one. but lol, who am i kidding?? i already had a lot of chances to change and i never fucking did. i kept lying because thats what i am. a lying fucking slut. i dont even know why im doing this, i think its because i was too selfish. i kept wanting more and more attention, but that ended up hurting others, which is not something i wanted to do. i also wanted to help them, but my fucking selfishness went out of control. i was supposed to choose between the guy and my ex, but i waited too long and ended up hurting both of them. and now hes gone forever. its all my fault. i had fallen in love with the other guy, but i had chosen too late. he gave me 5 fucking months to choose and i didnt. it seems i was just playing around, thinking i could have them both. but no, thats not how it should be.
if i could back in time to 3 months ago, i wouldve beat myself up. i wouldve stabbed her in the fucking back, ripped open her guts and slit her throat to prevent her from lying to these guys. i didnt deserve any of them. my feelings got way out of control and i lied to both of them to keep them around. what the fuck is wrong with me??? i cant even imagine how hes feeling. devastated and heartbroken, after finding out i lied to him. he doesnt believe hes special, he doesnt believe hes good enough, he felt ignored by me, because i was doing shit with my ex. i destroyed his feelings for my own selfishness. hes gonna feel an insane amount of hurt for this. and i knew he had his own mental issues. and guess what? he still tried to help me despite all this. and this is how i fucking repay him? im an evil cunt who cant control my feelings or boundaries and thats why i hurt others. i didnt fucking mean to, i didnt. but i did. nothing will change or erase that fact. theres no hope for me. my parents raised a stupid fucking daughter. they shouldve aborted me. the guy would ghost me a lot, but he wished i would talk to him or call him during that time. but i didnt think hed ever wanna see me. but i deserved that. any kind of hurt he put onto me was 100% deserved. i deserve the worst. and he still wishes me the best. he said he still somehow loved me. i was talking with my ex early march before he left to the military to say goodbye and i didnt fucking tell him. why the fuck didnt i. that hurt him. i saw it in his eyes. holy fucking shit, seeing his eyes and lips curl like puppy doll eyes and his voice breaking just fucking broke me. and now he finally left me for good. "ive always loved you, vee". that was the last thing he told me before leaving. he didnt yell, anything. he just looked so numb. he was still nice to me. cared about me. i cared about him too, but other shit got in the fucking way.
he looked numb, he looked so fucking hurt and betrayed. seeing him like that is ingrained in my mind and will forever haunt me. god i wish i could take his pain away. reverse everything i ever fucking did. i would take the pain of him and my ex in an instant. i deserve it. i had given him my phone and he deleted his own contact off my phone, he deleted the pictures of him and me off my phone and laptop, my only comfort. i also remember i had 2 screenshots of some sexual text messages between me and him because it was messages of him and because im a hypersexual fucking slut. and he felt that i only wanted him for sex. i really did not. i wish he knew that. but itll never happen. he'll never believe me again. he has no reason to whatsoever. i love him so much. i genuinely did. i didnt want his body only. he was one of the only ones that actually ever fucking cared for me. he made me feel like i was actually worth something. i felt alive. but i was still attached to my ex and wasnt ready for the relationship, so this bullshit happened because of me. i am a monster, i just destroy people. i couldnt control myself and theres no excuse for that. none. zero.
so i just want to kill myself now. i dont care, i just want to end my worthless pathetic life. i dont wanna hurt anyone anymore and i cant stand to see him with someone else. i need to know the quickest way, like a gun, but i unfortunately dont have access to one. if someone can DM me and give me solutions to how i can end it quickly, please do. i need to die. i cant bear this guilt i feel, its destroying me. i physically cannot do any of my tasks in school, i cant stop thinking about this situation, what the future will be like. no, i cant do this. im scared of what i might do again. i could go out of control. i fucking hate myself more that anybody on this earth. i had such a fucking unstable relationship all because of me. and i hate that i fear being alone. WHY??? what the fuck?? i hate this shit so much. i hate my shit life. i need to die. now.
