Venting My boyfriend is actively trying to make me end it

[SpencerSees]

It genuinely feels like all my family, all my friends are somehow doing the exact things to make me feel horrible.
Yesterday I had a huge fight with my boyfriend. And yes, I started it because he ignored me for 5 hours while I was upset (apparently didn't see my text despite it being on read??? whatever). And somehow the conclusion was still that it's all my fault, and I'm toxic and abusive and everything else. I know I freak out easily, I know I get angry and say things that are hurtful. I apologized for that,and it's something I'm trying to change. It's just very hard to think of all that when you're holding a blade to yourself levels of upset and the one person who apparently cares for you, simply leaves while being online!
And he even admitted that he was waiting for me to text first as some sort of test, yet still it's all on me. I don't doubt I fucked up,and I feel terrible about it. But it feels even worse that he can't even say that maybe he did something wrong too.
He said I can be so edgy sometimes?? That probably hurt more than any of the being alone part. Because why are you with someone who you find edgy? Like sorry man, I was raped half my life, my fault for being upset about that. And it's all my fault, that I don't communicate well enough, but like I can barely tell him anything because he gets triggered and upset. He was never SAd or anything so I guess it's just upsetting, but still.
Today I cut myself for the first time in like maybe a year. I didn't tell him because god forbid he has to experience a negative emotion, plus it's my business.
This sounds like loads of whining, and it probably is. I know I should be more grateful to even be in a relationship, and I try to be. I just sometimes wish someone would truly know what I've been through.

I probably have some personality disorder, but exams are coming up so I don't really care about that right now.
If you read this far, drop your own stories about not super understanding partners, or call me ungrateful or whatever.
Byeee

 

[bl33ding_heart]

In all honesty your partner doesn't sound like a good person. That's not the way a person acts when they genuinely love and care about someone. You should have a conversation with him about the dynamic of your relationship and how it's not healthy. And if he's completely unwilling to change then he's not worth it at all. Even if you aren't exactly a perfect person yourself, you don't deserve to be treated like that, please know your worth.

 

[SpencerSees]

In all honesty your partner doesn't sound like a good person. That's not the way a person acts when they genuinely love and care about someone. You should have a conversation with him about the dynamic of your relationship and how it's not healthy. And if he's completely unwilling to change then he's not worth it at all. Even if you aren't exactly a perfect person yourself, you don't deserve to be treated like that, please know your worth.

Thank you for your insight. I know you only heard my part, so obviously it's biased, but yeah I don't know. He is also mentally ill so I can't blame him too much.
Thank you for your kind words, much love.

 

[Crematoryy]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. 33 days since my relationship ended. I would receive coldness from the person you would be willing to sacrifice anything for. That's why I hate this world and I will make everyone pay. Nobody cares about hurting me.

 

[SpencerSees]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. 33 days since my relationship ended. I would receive coldness from the person you would be willing to sacrifice anything for. That's why I hate this world and I will make everyone pay. Nobody cares about hurting me.

You deserve better, I'm sorry you didn't get it from the person who was soupposed to be there for you. I'm sure they will learn to appreciate now that it's too late.

 

[Redacted24]

I agree with prior posts. I'm just coming out of a 20+ years of marriage to someone that turned heavily abusive for the last six of them - driving me to this site for options to end it all.

There are signs for domestic violence and emotional abuse is part of that. Failing to participate in the relationship is one of many. Psychology Today has a good article about it. Your relationship might indicate others, it might be worth checking out.

But you do have the right to be happy, to feel safe and loved. Never forget that, please.

Sending lots of support across the miles!

 

[SpencerSees]

I agree with prior posts. I'm just coming out of a 20+ years of marriage to someone that turned heavily abusive for the last six of them - driving me to this site for options to end it all.

There are signs for domestic violence and emotional abuse is part of that. Failing to participate in the relationship is one of many. Psychology Today has a good article about it. Your relationship might indicate others, it might be worth checking out.

But you do have the right to be happy, to feel safe and loved. Never forget that, please.

Sending lots of support across the miles!

Thank you, it's scary to think about it as anything toxic or abusive, and I do hope you all aren't right. I appreciate the support and I wish you the best for starting over.