Venting my life is a balancing act

[whisperjump]

all my life i've tried my hardest to be the most genuine kind person i can be, just because i saw no logic in being anything else. there's no logic in lies, deception, or disrespect. therefore, i've made a lot of friends. lots of connections. a lot of people have hurt me and never looked back, but many rely on me on a daily basis. my family, my pets, my social circle, etc. so many people love me. love love me. it sounds so great at first, but i can't fucking breathe anymore. i feel like i'll die just from this.

if i didn't talk in the sever, no one would get along as well as they do and make the friends they have. if i don't comfort *** about her obsession with me and how sad it makes her that i have a boyfriend and i can't just be hers, she'll spiral even worse. if i don't clean the house, it'll go to hell and my pets will live depressing lives. if i dont stay alive for ******, he'll ctb. if i don't stay alive for ***, she'll ctb. if i don't stay alive for ** ***, she'll ctb. if i disappeared for a week, everything would crash and burn, irl and online. i want to ctb so goddamn bad but i have so many connections built up i'm really seeing the ugly side of 'everyone will miss you' in real time. i'd lose everything i had if i ctb, and that's all i want, but i don't want to set off the inevitable chain reaction that i'll cause in my wake.

it's so twisted, i hate it. there are so many people that tell me i'm the nicest human they've met to date, and hundreds that will mourn me if i die. yet, most of those people are the ones that cause all of my turmoil. if i never met anyone, i would have no trauma. i'm a little nervous to post about this honestly. i swear i'm grateful, but believe me in every sense of the word when i say i feel like this pressure alone is going to kill me. i've already had heart problems from the stress. i wish i could just delete my existence out of the timeline seamlessly

 

[lemonbunny]

you sound like a very giving person. sometimes the kindest and most selfless people carry the biggest burdens. sounds to me like you are holding up the burdens of nearby everybody around you out of your own good will.

just know, you don't owe them anything. it may be a hard pill for them to swallow, but ultimately your support is a privilege and withdrawing it would not necessarily make you a bad person. the pressure is manifesting into physical danger to your health (your heart problems from stress). i urge you to take care of yourself. <3

 

[whisperjump]

you sound like a very giving person. sometimes the kindest and most selfless people carry the biggest burdens. sounds to me like you are holding up the burdens of nearby everybody around you out of your own good will.

just know, you don't owe them anything. it may be a hard pill for them to swallow, but ultimately your support is a privilege and withdrawing it would not necessarily make you a bad person. the pressure is manifesting into physical danger to your health (your heart problems from stress). i urge you to take care of yourself. <3

thank you. it feels like the right thing to do to stick around for them, but god i don't know if i can take it. i appreciate your response.