Limit

[needhelptodie]

I want to blow myself up, considering the possibility of obtaining petrol, taking some anesthetic or pain killers and setting myself alight. More open to procuring a firearm as well, although I'm not from the US and I suspect they are far harder to obtain in UK/EU countries. I have meds and SN. I have rope. I am considering jumping off a bridge. I am considering drowning myself. I am considering throwing myself at a train or from a skyscraper, a very tall building. This is what it feels like to hit your limit as a human being. This is what happens when nothing goes your way and you are perceived in life to be the definition of entitled elitism. Why should I settle for shit when I could have been great? Healthy? Happy? Successful? Potentially blessed? (The last one was slightly exaggerated but still)

All I know is this. I have lost it all. I guess it's just one of those things, we all know deep in ourselves when we know we are not good enough to get on. I know there is no way in which I can change the entrenched attitude against me, that people overwhelmingly regard me as worthless, not good enough, not equal, not up to the mark, cringe, embarrassing, creepy, weird, a loser. I can't change that. Do I accept it? I can't. I always worked to overcome it, I never felt I could focus on myself and work at myself as much as I wanted until I had settled it to some extent. It was always put to me, held against me, and when I came as close as I could to overcoming it, I fucked it up. That's really hard to come to terms with. That's really hard to ignore. To know you came so close to shattering the denial and made a fuck up that wrecked it for good. That's why I'm going to kill myself. That's why I'm prepared to go to the extreme to carry it out. If I have to set myself on fire outside of a hospital and make the local news I'll do it.

 

[ke9]

I live a version of this every day, albeit without the entitled elitism part. Knowing that many people look down on me, see me as a failure is very hard.

Have had a lot of people tell me not to care about what other people think. But these are people who can afford not to care. When you're getting crushed by the world, other people's opinions do matter. Need a job? Other people's opinions matter. Want a chance at finding a partner? Other people's opinions matter. That's why it's so hard.

The wisdom perhaps is that not EVERYONE'S opinion matters, only those like employers and friends and partners. But the looks I get when I tell people what I do for a living and the fake sympathy from family and the, wow, he's a case of a destroyed life. This is extremely difficult to take. Honestly, it's enraging and because there are virtually no possible practical changes I can make.

Hence, ctb as something resembling peace and dignity.

 

[needhelptodie]

Another pointless call to mental health services. Poxy advice to stick to a safety plan. Gearing up to an attempt all the time now. Stopped going out, leaving the house. Doing less and less and less until I tumble over the edge. Death by default I guess.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

My only advice if you ever do decide to ctb is don't just impulsively try one of the methods you mention. You would do yourself best if you chose one and read all you could about it before attempting, just so you don't make your situation worse than it already is.

 

[needhelptodie]

My only advice if you ever do decide to ctb is don't just impulsively try one of the methods you mention. You would do yourself best if you chose one and read all you could about it before attempting, just so you don't make your situation worse than it already is.

I've done as much research as I realistically feel I can do. I still haven't decided. Whatever will be will be. I don't care.

 

[needhelptodie]

Am I disturbed? Probably. Do I cross boundaries? I'm not sure. Who's to say? I'm prepared to say disturbing things to defend myself. I'm prepared to cross boundaries to protect myself. If I am attacked relentlessly and to an extent in a way which is engineered organised and designed to destroy me as a human being, what's wrong with implying disturbing things about people in the name of self defence and preservation? Some people believe they are above reason and accountability, they possess some form of messiah complex if you want to call it that. I am not intensely political but in my experience moderates fall into this category, I believe it led to Trump winning last year and being rewarded with unlimited power. Perhaps other countries will follow suit if Elon has his way. I hate people who determine themselves to be the arbiters of what is and is not social correctness, the people who tend to set the perimeters tend to reinforce the demons, servants of Satan by default, complicit in enforcing the worst of humanity but also trying to imply a normal face. Most of them are the reason people turn to outlets like suicide and websites like this.
Mental health services continue to be a problem. A difficulty to access. They want to set me back a few hours, so other entities can deal with me but will continue to peddle the same robotic programme and answers. Do you have a safety plan? Why aren't you following your safety plan? If I want to burn myself to death and am in a state of mind to go about doing that, the last thing I need is some moron telling me to take a shower.