It's been a long time since I posted on this forum. I was doing better, now I'm not again. For a couple of months now the thought of suicide has been constant. Today, I drove to a park hoping I could find a tree secluded enough to CTB with FSH. I've already bought the rope- got it a month or so ago. Wasn't secluded enough. I was planning on dying tomorrow. Exhausted by this cycle of choosing a date of dying and not being able to do it because the trees are too visible. Any tips? Frustratingly, I'm still signed up for a therapy appointment on Tuesday. I wish I could talk freely about my intent to kill myself without having to worry about going to inpatient. I have an intent to die but am so far removed from a method I can barely be called a danger to myself. I'd even be happy to talk to an AI if it didn't just shut down whenever I mention suicide. I can't get through this life. I can't even buy a gun because I had a psychotic episode for the first time and was involuntarily taken to inpatient by the police. Currently living with my mom so I'm not able to CTB with SN and there are no anchor points in the apartment. Trying partial feels like a one in a million chance of success but maybe it's my last hope. It's a draining feeling being done with life but still carrying on with the day. No dreams or anything other than getting out of here so there's no motivation to set goals and get to a better place like my mom wants me to. I'm 23, dropped out of college, unemployed, barely have friends, getting fat, and have no idea what to do anymore.
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Nothing is easy. I have a secluded point and noose prepared. Yet here I am. I'm much older than you. I'm sorry you feel this way at 23. This world isn't easy on any of us.
More secluded at night for sure but I noticed that the branches were too high to anchor my rope to them as well. The city I'm in doesn't have a lot of tree dense parks and without the leaves at this time of year things are more visible. Thank you for responding- I really appreciate it. What's stopping you from CTB?
Do you mean if the leaves were there you could do it? Or the branches too high to reach?
I don't know what stops me. I live alone. The noose is ready. I want this to end. SI and fear of the pain I guess. It's dumb. I absolutely hate my life and it can't get better. I'm over 50 and I enjoyed one year. Otherwise miserable and weird. Effing autistic freak. I don't know what's stopping me but I must defeat it.I mean if the leaves were there it would be less visible, but I'd actually still not be able to because the branches are too high. Don't be too hard on yourself for not doing it. The way I think of it is that CTB might be the kindest thing I can do for myself. I always think that thought will help me overcome SI but I've never actually gotten close enough to a method to try it out so I commend you for even setting up the noose.Similar threads
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