Is anyone else heartbroken over the life they could have had?

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

When my mom was alive, I was so happy with her. Because I was (and still am) so ill and had no other family, aside from my dad who was (and still is) only half engaged in my life, we spent so much time together and absolutely adored each other. Life wasn't perfect and I knew how precarious it was, that if mom died it would all fall apart. I'd spent my whole life trying to make enduring friendships but severe physical ill health made that so hard. I'd make friends only to lose them when I became housebound for years at a time.

And then mom died prematurely. There's nobody in my life now who I have a close relationship with. My brain and heart yearns for all the years I thought we had left together - all the beautiful years. Mom put in a huge amount of effort to care for me and to make every day special for me in some way. We had so much fun together. She was an extraordinarily kind and loving person.

Now my brain wants the life I could have had: the life in which I was healthy and had lasting close relationships other than mom, and where mom lived another 10 or 15 years or more. My system can't compute that she isn't coming back and that paradise has been lost. It still wants to live - with her. It can't compute living without her. Or indeed dying, even though life is now completely unbearable.

I am all on my own now and cry all day every day. I'm suffering extremely. But if I die, I'm afraid I will lose my connection to her and all those memories. I so desperately want to be alive, with mom, here, in this beautiful world. I was so perfectly content with her. I wanted so many more years with her.

With her death, it's as if I've been split in two. It's so excruciatingly painful. And I have nobody to sit with me in my grief.

Such a beautiful life I could have had - if only it hadn't all gone so wrong starting in childhood. I'm devastated.

 

[Michelstaedter]

I'm sorry you're suffering and I'm sorry about your mother's death.

If it comforts you, I can say that your mother, her love, will remain eternally in the history of this world. I suppose those stories, even if the "characters" are no longer with us, will remain as long as when the sun one day goes out, and somehow, if it could be seen from another planet, its light would make it seem as if it were still there... The same as your mother's love, which will remain and will continue to remain no matter what happens.
Now, I suppose that when we die, we don't know what lies beyond death. I won't tell you false things like "your mother will be sad in the afterlife if you die," but rather, I think that since we're not clear about what lies beyond death, the sure and most logical thing, based on what you say, is that as long as you live and remember her, your mother will certainly be alive in your feelings, in your memories, and even in you, who are her son, her essence.

 

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

Thank you - that's such a kind and beautiful reply, it made me well up

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

I'm sorry for your loss <3

I'm so immensely distraught about it, every, single, day, of my life.

 

[seaquake]

all the time, in fact, I'm mourning what could have been and dwelling on what didn't happen, agonizing over the idea that if it weren't for my mother and underemployment in my country, I would be very happy.


Sorry for your loss. I hope you're doing well

 

[sufferinghell]

I was suppose to be adopted (as an adult). Those parents loved me and supported me but I fucked it up. Now I'm with my birth parents who don't give a shit about me. I think about what life could've been like if I wasn't a fuck up all the time and living with my adoptive parents.

 

[baberty]

When my mom was alive, I was so happy with her. Because I was (and still am) so ill and had no other family, aside from my dad who was (and still is) only half engaged in my life, we spent so much time together and absolutely adored each other. Life wasn't perfect and I knew how precarious it was, that if mom died it would all fall apart. I'd spent my whole life trying to make enduring friendships but severe physical ill health made that so hard. I'd make friends only to lose them when I became housebound for years at a time.

And then mom died prematurely. There's nobody in my life now who I have a close relationship with. My brain and heart yearns for all the years I thought we had left together - all the beautiful years. Mom put in a huge amount of effort to care for me and to make every day special for me in some way. We had so much fun together. She was an extraordinarily kind and loving person.

Now my brain wants the life I could have had: the life in which I was healthy and had lasting close relationships other than mom, and where mom lived another 10 or 15 years or more. My system can't compute that she isn't coming back and that paradise has been lost. It still wants to live - with her. It can't compute living without her. Or indeed dying, even though life is now completely unbearable.

I am all on my own now and cry all day every day. I'm suffering extremely. But if I die, I'm afraid I will lose my connection to her and all those memories. I so desperately want to be alive, with mom, here, in this beautiful world. I was so perfectly content with her. I wanted so many more years with her.

With her death, it's as if I've been split in two. It's so excruciatingly painful. And I have nobody to sit with me in my grief.

Such a beautiful life I could have had - if only it hadn't all gone so wrong starting in childhood. I'm devastated.

Omg, yes! I sit for hours sometimes, thinking about what my life could have been. If only I hadn't been abused as a child, if only I hadn't started using hard drugs, if only... It's too late now. It's too late to go back and fix ANY of this. I just want it to stop.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Things went wrong pretty early on for me- age 3 when my Mum died. I do wonder how things would have turned out if she hadn't died then. I expect they would be very different. I'd hope we would have had the same closeness you shared. It's very hard to get over the loss of loved ones. I think in many ways, I've never stopped grieving for the family members I lost.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Not heartbroken, just pissed at myself for fucking it up and wasting so much of it.

 

[plasticlove]

I think about all the different lives I could have had all the time. There are so many moments in my life where I feel like I went down the bad timeline. Sometimes it was my fault, and sometimes it was truly just the worst luck/circumstances possible, but regardless of situation I still hold them in my mind and heart and think about how things could have been in another life.

If parallel universes exist, I truly and deeply envy so many of the "Mes" that exist in them.

 

[CravingPeace]

Absolutely. For one, I think of the life I could've had without an all-encompassing abusive father and a mother who fed me alcohol and weed at the ripe age of 14. I always envy seeing those around me having close-knit families who care for each other. Being an adult without a family to lean on is awful.

For the other, I think of the life I could've had if I didn't have my first manic episode and lose my career trajectory. I was finally breaking out of my abusive family and making a life of my own and then I squandered it by binge drinking myself into borderline psychosis. Now I am an anxiety ridden mess, who expects anything good built to be eventually torn down by my own hand.