Hi everyone, I've been aware of this site for a few years, but only worked up the courage to join now.
I'm a university student in the US, struggling to eke out a degree in physics/math. I've never been good at describing myself, but I know that other people often say that I likely have autism (though I've never sought out a diagnosis). I have social anxiety and am very isolated in my daily life, essentially the only person I talk to is my long-distance (ex?)partner. I spend a lot of my time getting sucked into some niche hobby or another, though I can never stick with something long enough to actually get fulfilled by it. I'm queer and poly (in theory at least, I can't bring myself to present in the way that I wish), and something of an anarchist.
It's hard to articulate why I'm here; a lot of the time, maybe even most of the time, I don't really feel depressed, and there's nothing obviously wrong with my life. But it's those times when I'm not okay that are unbearable. Whenever I can actually stop and think about my life and my future (or lack thereof), the urge to CTB swells, and all I can think about is escape: from my guilt over my collapsing relationship, the prospect of working a shitty job in a dying field for the rest of my life, my hatred of my body, my alienation from what feels like everything and everyone. I've felt this way for years, but I've done nothing about it even though I've longed to. Part of it is just the difficulty of finding and carrying out an appropriate method when you're trapped in either a dorm or your parents' house, but really the larger issue is my damning passivity. I've always been unable to do anything on my own, and something like buying a firearm or jumping off a bridge feels terrifying because of having to *do something* more than anything else. It feels cruel that life is exhausting, but death isn't easy.
But honestly, even if I didn't feel depressed, I would still want to die from a non-emotional motivation. I have a rather nihilistic philosophy regarding knowledge and being, but even beyond that, I don't believe in anything after death, and there's so much suffering when living in this oppressive world that dying is always an attractive option. I also strongly believe in individual autonomy, so I don't see why anyone, whether society or state, should stop me if I want out. Even as a kid, before I felt depressed, I would have chosen to die if offered the chance.
These two aspects of my suicidal ideation, the emotional and the intellectual, have threaded together to the point that I can't see myself ever wanting to live, since I'll either feel like I want to kill myself, or think that I should. The reason I've specifically decided to join now is that my relationship with my partner, my only real link, has been deteriorating. I know that being with me hurts her, so I can't fight to fix the relationship, since she'd be better off without me. (She mainly got with me to save me from killing myself, but I've learned since not to share that with her, and she no longer thinks that she's the only thing between me and death.) I can't bring myself to end it though, so I've just been watching it die for months. I poison every connection I have with anyone, so my only prospects are to face a life of isolation or finally follow through on what I've been meaning to for years.
Anyway, that's me. I didn't mean for this post to end up so long, this is the first time I can remember that I've had the opportunity to freely unload and I got carried away. I've always ended up lurking in online communities that I join, but I hope I can actively engage with all of you in whatever time I have left
