Introduce yourself

[ODIFA]

Hey everyone, nice to meet you! I've been checking out this forum for the last couple of weeks. It's kind of comforting to know that other people are struggling as much as I am, so that's why I also wanted to join this community.

I'm a 36-year-old female and I live in Western Europe. I find it hard to talk about myself and talk about how I'm feeling because I'm just not good at it. It's always a struggle to find the right words and to be able to express what's going on in my head. I'm also a bit shy and I have social anxiety, which makes it also difficult to talk to people in real life.

Okay, just typing this was already proving difficult… oh no But I want to make the effort to share a bit about what's going on in my life, so here it goes.

I've been struggling with my mental health for about half of my life now. My first major depression happened when I was 17 years old. Since then it's been a rollercoaster, going up and down and up and down…

Right now I'm at the lowest that I've ever been. I keep thinking about CTB because I just don't see myself getting better anymore. I don't like who I am, I have low self-esteem and low self-confidence, social anxiety, I feel like I'm stuck in certain patterns and behaviors, I keep messing things up, it feels like my memory is declining, I've been in survival mode for so long now, ... I feel like I'm so behind in life and I'm just tired and I lost all motivation to try to improve things.

At the moment I'm living with my parents after ending a relationship of almost 13 years (we broke up about 6 months ago). I don't have a job and I can't afford to rent an apartment. My parents are retired, which makes living here extremely annoying for me because they are almost always home. I need a lot of alone time, and being alone in my room is not enough for me. I want to be home alone, that's when I feel my best and I can recharge and just be myself. So this living situation now is driving me crazy!

I also ruined the friendship I had with my best friend (also the only friend I had). I first moved in with him after the breakup because he was the only other option (and better option) besides my parents, but things just started going wrong. After about 3 months he asked me to move out. I don't really want to explain everything that happened, but it was mostly because of me being emotionally needy when I was feeling down and then lashing out at him afterwards because he didn't give me the love and attention I so badly needed in those moments. I always felt bad after doing that and always apologized. (I think I might have BPD?) But what it comes down to is that something broke between us and the amazing friendship we had is just gone now. He said his feelings changed and that he can't feel empathy or compassion for me anymore and that he can't help it. For me it feels like he abandoned me, although I can understand that feelings can change. But it hurts like hell and thinking about him and what happened always makes me cry. So yeah, of course I'm crying right now typing this. He was so important to me and the only person I could really talk to.

This happening was actually what pushed me over the edge and made me start thinking about CTB. Although it's really a combination of so many small and big things that make me not want to live anymore.

I actually planned to CTB 2 weeks ago by jumping, but when I was standing there ready to do it I suddenly had my doubts. I was so scared that it wasn't heigh enough and I would mess it up and somehow survive the fall.
A few days later I attempted partial hanging when my parents weren't home for a while. But I wasn't really that well prepared and still had to figure out how to do it and find a rope and make the right knots and all that. I made an attempt but couldn't get myself to pass out and then time started running out, so I just gave up.

I really regret not jumping because I have now started to feel a bit scared to CTB. While I had absolutely no fears 2 weeks ago and I was so ready for it.

So yeah, I feel like shit. But at least I'll feel a little less alone now that I'm here.

There's still more I could share, but for now I'll leave it at that. This already took me way too long to put into words and cost a lot of energy.

I also wasn't sure if I should post it here or make a new thread because it's kind of long and maybe too much information for this "Introduce yourself" thread. I decided to leave it here, a bit afraid to start a new thread. I definitely don't mind if no one reacts to this post.

Thank you so much for reading!

 

[TotalEclipse]

Hey, you can call me Eclipse. I've been a lurker for about a year and a half. I'm currently waiting for my thread about the attempt I'm making soon to be approved. I've made about 7 attempts using non-methods, but I've finally reached the point where it became worth it to me to risk ordering off the dark web, using a guide posted on here. I'm still somewhat scared of what my afterlife will be if I die through suicide, but I rationalized that I'd rather just get those negative consequences over with because I believe that bad afterlives and cycles of reincarnations don't last forever and that everyone either finds redemption eventually or simply stops existing if they can't be redeemed. I do have some things that are worth living for, which makes me sad because I'd ideally be alive, but they aren't enough to do the heavy lifting for everything else.

 

[Tarnished_anachrom]

Hi everyone! I'm 18FtM (basically a trans guy) but 19 in a month, hopefully I CTB before then so I don't have to deal with all this any longer.

About me:
- I'm a physics major the uni has been going poorly lets just say.
- I've been diagnosed with ASD, depression, and atelophobia and atychiphobia.
- I've has suicidal tendencies and thoughts since I was a kid, at 10 I was sent to therapy for suicidal remarks at home and at school.
- I've attempted too many times to count (hopefully one day I'll actually succeed).
- I self harm (though I know this isn't that kind of forum hit me up if you know forums similar to this but for self harm), a mix of cutting (usually to the hypodermis), burning and self poisoning (ODing or ingesting harmful stuff just to hurt myself).

It's nice to find a community that doesn't censor this stuff you know? Looking forward to interacting with all of you!

 

[needwaytohell]

Hi, technically a bit late as I've posted . 21M lost and hopeless want a solid plan before I CTB. Previously tried hanging myself but the rope broke and thanks to luck no damages. Planning to live for probably 5 years at max when stars align I'll document my hopefully final movements and find peace. Love y'all here.

 

[TownesVanZandt]

Hi I'll be turning 21 this week (F) in the U.S. I have had depression for as long as I can remember. I raised my wellbutrin dose to 300mg a couple weeks ago and haven't noticed a difference. This is at least the 6th psych med I've been on that hasn't had any effect. Ive been through 4 different therapists still nothing. Its extremely rare for me to not feel depressed. I even have friends who really try to cheer me up and I can see how much it hurts them when nothing works. I have a lot of social trouble that makes it hard for me to get close to people (recently had a therapist suggest I have ASD). I don't even think it's social anxiety, it's more like just a blockage where no mater what I try I can't socialize in the ways I want to.

I attempted last year by asphyxiation and my roommate found me, I barely remember any of that, I started my attempt blacked out and next thing I know my best friend is sitting next to me while I regained consciousness.

I love nature, reading, meditating and yoga. I'm an activist. I am currently homeless. I really like baking. I am constantly learning, I really wish I could go to college but I know that I'm too mentally ill and it will just be a waste of money. I dream of a better world but I believe even in utopia I'd still be discontent.

 

[Alrek]

I am 44 years old (M), living in one of the Nordic countries.

I have been living with a horrible stomach disease for so long, and this month it started an even more downward spiral. I can only drink a little fluid, and need nutrition through tubes or veins to survive. And even then I still have a lot of pain and suffering. I just can't imagine living like this very much longer, so I started looking for ways to end it online. And in doing so stumbled on this site.

Hopefully it will give me some insights into which method will be best, if I decide to go through. And, also which method not to choose for the sake of my family.

It was also good to find such comforting and open minded community, to read how other people are coping with their thoughts on CBT. I have been alone in my thoughts for so long...

 

[Kurwenal]

I don't really know what to write. It was enough effort to just click on Reply that anything beyond that was uncertain. I've been reading this forum on and off for months now. It was time to finally join.

I'd love to write about interests or hobbies or work or something, but they're all gone. All I have is the most beautiful soul companion in my dog. He's here in bed with me now. Once I get over the effort it was to write and post this, I'll post about him in the pets thread.

Thank you all for creating a space where I feel the tiniest bit less alone in my head.

 

[physic1st]

not much, I'm just failed lol

 

[Neutron-Witch]

Hi everyone, I've been aware of this site for a few years, but only worked up the courage to join now.

I'm a university student in the US, struggling to eke out a degree in physics/math. I've never been good at describing myself, but I know that other people often say that I likely have autism (though I've never sought out a diagnosis). I have social anxiety and am very isolated in my daily life, essentially the only person I talk to is my long-distance (ex?)partner. I spend a lot of my time getting sucked into some niche hobby or another, though I can never stick with something long enough to actually get fulfilled by it. I'm queer and poly (in theory at least, I can't bring myself to present in the way that I wish), and something of an anarchist.

It's hard to articulate why I'm here; a lot of the time, maybe even most of the time, I don't really feel depressed, and there's nothing obviously wrong with my life. But it's those times when I'm not okay that are unbearable. Whenever I can actually stop and think about my life and my future (or lack thereof), the urge to CTB swells, and all I can think about is escape: from my guilt over my collapsing relationship, the prospect of working a shitty job in a dying field for the rest of my life, my hatred of my body, my alienation from what feels like everything and everyone. I've felt this way for years, but I've done nothing about it even though I've longed to. Part of it is just the difficulty of finding and carrying out an appropriate method when you're trapped in either a dorm or your parents' house, but really the larger issue is my damning passivity. I've always been unable to do anything on my own, and something like buying a firearm or jumping off a bridge feels terrifying because of having to *do something* more than anything else. It feels cruel that life is exhausting, but death isn't easy.

But honestly, even if I didn't feel depressed, I would still want to die from a non-emotional motivation. I have a rather nihilistic philosophy regarding knowledge and being, but even beyond that, I don't believe in anything after death, and there's so much suffering when living in this oppressive world that dying is always an attractive option. I also strongly believe in individual autonomy, so I don't see why anyone, whether society or state, should stop me if I want out. Even as a kid, before I felt depressed, I would have chosen to die if offered the chance.

These two aspects of my suicidal ideation, the emotional and the intellectual, have threaded together to the point that I can't see myself ever wanting to live, since I'll either feel like I want to kill myself, or think that I should. The reason I've specifically decided to join now is that my relationship with my partner, my only real link, has been deteriorating. I know that being with me hurts her, so I can't fight to fix the relationship, since she'd be better off without me. (She mainly got with me to save me from killing myself, but I've learned since not to share that with her, and she no longer thinks that she's the only thing between me and death.) I can't bring myself to end it though, so I've just been watching it die for months. I poison every connection I have with anyone, so my only prospects are to face a life of isolation or finally follow through on what I've been meaning to for years.

Anyway, that's me. I didn't mean for this post to end up so long, this is the first time I can remember that I've had the opportunity to freely unload and I got carried away. I've always ended up lurking in online communities that I join, but I hope I can actively engage with all of you in whatever time I have left

 

[deus_ex_machina]

hello, i am sound. or just call me by my username. i am 29 years old with disorder and disability issues. i love to harm myself and to store my blood in containers to use someday. i know i type strangely. i have a caretaker that keeps me "alive" but i will not be soon. i like to draw but i am not good at it. i enjoy cats.

 

[febuary]

long time lurker, first time poster. you can call me feb, I'm in my 20s living in the US and working minimum wage. daily feelings of malaise and wondering if all this bullshit is really worth it. im glad to finally meet some like minded people who can discuss the topic of suicidal ideation without giving meaningless platitudes or pressuring you to stay.

i like idol anime!

 

[oeilmetal]

hi i'm metal! i'm close to 30 and living in western europe
ive struggled with depressive states and anxiety since childhood. It can be alright for a while and then really bad for a long period of time. I've seen a number of therapists and psychotherapist since I was 11 but got no conclusive diagnosis. I tried (diligently I must say) 4 different kind of antidepressants + mood correctors (sorry i'm not very knowledgeable in that kind of things) combined with therapy, all without definite success.
After a bad suicidal episode I ended up in a mental clinic. It helped me a lot but honestly I was just under heavy medication. When I first got there I tried to CTB by hanging (completely). The belt or pipe (they never told me) broke so I just slowly passed out and then woke up with my nose/teeth broken. Didn't make an actual attempt since then, just strangulation and taking meds to pass out for hours.
I don't know if I have big reasons for wanting to kill myself. I have some childhood trauma (did therapy for that) but it's mostly me hating myself my life my body and struggling to stay alive for the past 15 years so yeah I want to be over with it. I'm scared for my family but that's it. They really can't stand me went im doing bad and it's 90% of the time so they'll be better without me.

I really want to do it with SN but if I can't procure some in the next few weeks I'll attempt hanging again but with a better prerp

 

[PeacefulPerson]

Username is currently a lie but I do want to be a peaceful person someday soon. As you can probably tell it's a reference to the PPH lol. I actually knew about it before learning about this website so it's cool to talk to ppl actively instead of reading stuff. Just very tired of existing and would love to ctb and be truly peaceful.

 

[gooblet]

Hello!
I'm probably going to die soon and that's about all I have going for me. But I hope everyone gets better and makes a speedy recovery

 

[Wolframium]

Hello there!
I've been lurking here for a few months now. I finally made an account and I have no idea what to write about myself. I'm M and I'm almost 20, I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. I can say I'm extremely shy (maybe even have social anxiety), I've tried to fight it. I love anime, music and video games.
Wish best to you all!

 

[chocosyrup]

im choco/syrup
ive been here a couple years now but never did an introduce thingy
i post alot of brainrot on my profile and my friends prpfiles
i like games, music, talking about medicine stuff like that
if u want to take ur mind away and just look at some brainrot/shitposting then chck out my posts
(i make serious posts too)

:d

 

[liza]

Hi I'm Liz. I am ending my life because of psychological torture aka v2k (voice to skull technology) I know who my harasser is and he has manipulated my dreams to the point I can't stop dreaming everyday so much (there's not a single day that goes by where I'm not dreaming) alot of harassment nobody knows about and it's hard to find people who can relate to me. I feel lonely and desperate for answers. My calling is suicide my destiny is suicide the only thing I can reach for to end my suffering

 

[Thekla]

I'm Thekla (based on St. Thecla). I'm around 19 and live in the good ol' U.S. of A.
I don't have anything interesting to say about myself — I created this account several months ago and just forgot it existed.
I'm a God-fearing Christian who's obsessed with death and writing about sad stuff.
I'm also just... incredibly stupid. I flunked out of high school because I couldn't pass Algebra I. So yeah, I feel completely helpless and useless.
Not sure if I'll ever ACTUALLY kill myself, but I probably will if I ever need to get a job and I won't be able to. Yay.

 

[menheraboy]

hi, im menheraboy. i like to listen to music and draw, i also try to make music via vocaloid and fl studio.

i turn 19 in less than two months and im american.

im also a trans dude and bisexual, with a girlfriend. i live with my parents and im a neet.

 

[dead-orchids]

Hi! I'm a 24F from the US. I used to love playing music, playing cozy video games, crocheting and other crafts, but lately it's been hard to enjoy anything I used to. I've been wanting to ctb for as long as I can remember, but I've only had failed attempts until now. I'm planning to go soon, but I'm still trying to figure out a method that I'm sure won't fail this time.

I've been a lurker of SS for a little while, and it's been nice to have resources and to find people who feel the same and won't judge me for wanting to ctb

 

[dance0nglass84]

Hello everyone, I'm a long-time lurker but decided to make an account. Nothing much about me, I'm 20f and like the Elder Scrolls series, post-punk music, photography/drawing, and working out.
I've been wanting to ctb for most of my life, mostly due to my debilitating OCD and loneliness. I'm just ready to go. Though I've overcome depression, and for the most part have given myself a better life through managing my illness, my soul is still crying for a release. I just don't think I was really meant to be here, which is fine. I believe that I'm here to learn, grow, and then depart. Like some say, I'm here for a good time, not a long time lol.

 

[Freefrompain]

Hi I'm 43 female from, US Illinois and looking for others who can relate and I'm suicidal. I don't want to go by myself. Wish I can be apart of a pact. Message me……

 

[Pr3TTyB1rd]

Hey everyone, you can just called me Bird. I like rock and alternative music along with videogames such as minecraft, stardew, and the sims where I can escape my own reality. I suffer from MDD, GAD, and BPD - so I'm basically constantly depressed and paranoid. If anyone wants to game with me, I'm down, but I'm leaving in a week due to my CTB date. Maybe we can be friends before I decide to go.

 

[Mrlostman]

Hi peoples, I'm a 20yr person and i guess im Mrlostman now. I made my account probably 2 years ago and lurked for a while but never posted because I'm really shy and got too scared too so this is my first real post. I've always kind of been a downer cause of how i was raised so that's why I'm here now, i don't know where else to go as i don't really have any friends anymore. I'm not sure what else i should say so sorry if im doing this wrong. I don't have a lot of hobbies besides anime, music and games. I'm really into the sci;adv games/animes and i really like porter robinsons music. I don't have a set time i want to ctb (did i use it correctly??) so until then i hope we can all be friends :)

 

[Subhumano]

27 year old man, with no friends, no girlfriend, no interests, a job I hate and nothing to look forward to in life.
Been like this for over 10 years.

 

[WitheredWisteria]

Hi, I'm Wisteria. You can call me Illy if you want. I'm 33 years old. For the last 21 years my life has been... awful is an understatement. I've had it better than many, in that I've always had food, shelter, and clothing. I'm severely affected by multiple disabilities though, which keeps me from holding a job, making money, having a fucking life, etc. Most people reject me, as well. I don't mean romantically, I mean in general. Even online people can tell I'm "weird" or "different".

My country doesn't want to help me survive. My quality of life has been slowly falling for a long time now, and now with the current regime in power in the US, I'm under threat of being taken to a concentration camp like CECOT eventually. I cannot take this anymore. I either want to ctb myself, or force whoever the government sends to take me away, to have to shoot me.

There are things I like. I love the Metroid series by Nintendo. I love Gundam, especially G Gundam. I enjoy making model kits, and want to learn how to make my own articulated figures. I recently discovered ENA, and something about it resonates so deeply with me. The eloquence to articulate why is beyond my current ability. I love good food. I especially love Indian, Korean, and Ethiopian food. They have so much flavor and are one of the only joys left in my life.

But it's all too much. People lied when they said it gets better. They lied about so much in life. I've waited and held on with all my might, to try and help things get better, but I was born at the wrong time to have any hope of a life. I'm entirely crestfallen. I tried. I don't have anything left to give.

 

[TheLightOfMyLife]

Hello. I am new here. I am 26 years old and from America. I have seen this site before, but I never made an account. I come from looksmax, a site run by an admin here I believe.

 

[Rynalia]

Hello, I'm Ryn.

Long-time lurker that finally decided to register. Motivation for doing so? I don't quite know. I'll just see how this plays out.

I have a very fragmented sense of self and it makes life pretty difficult. Some people thrive on the the unknown, but I want some stability in my discontinuous existence.

I would say more, but I have a hard time qualifying myself because I don't know what descriptors to use, it keeps changing and everything ends up feeling like a lie every time I look at it.


As of now, still looking to CTB.

(Although considering I'm still here, I guess I'm good at failing my attempts.)

Current coping mechanism: Monster Hunter Wilds