Introduce yourself

[BitterlyAlive]

Hey, guys.

I came here because I feel very alone. I've been lurking on this site for a few years now, but only recently found the courage to finally make an account.

I've had anxiety and depression for the majority of my life. It's made life very, very painful. I've been trying to process the fact that I've apparently been through a lot of trauma. I've been dissociating a lot in the past year or two, and things haven't really felt real in a long time. Memories, people, and the world around me seems fake. It sucks.

It's kind of awkward to admit, but I think I attempted suicide earlier this year. Still not sure what happened. All I know is that when I try again, I want to do it properly and complete it. I've been talked to about being hospitalized for my depression and I refuse to let that happen if I can help it. If I fail another attempt, I will definitely be thrown in a hospital. That will only make things worse.

I feel like the only thing I can really do anymore is play Animal Crossing. The new game has tons of little goals to achieve every day, so it keeps my mind busy. I wish I could take naps to pass the time, but my body won't let me lmao. I make memes every now and then to try and turn life circumstances into a joke. Humor is great.

I hope you guys are doing relatively okay in these difficult times. I understand that the pandemic has greatly worsened many people's mental health. I hope you guys don't find my posts to be too negative either.

Hi friends, I'm sorry you're on this site reading this post because I know how much pain you are in. There isn't much for me to say here really, no one actually cares what led me to this point but hopefully I won't be here for long. I don't plan on living past this week, if I can help it this hell will all be over by tomorrow. I've attempted to take my life multiple times but this is going to be my last hoorah. I simply can't go on any longer.

Nice to meet you. You seem very kind and thoughtful. I'm really sorry you're in so much pain, mate. Wishing you the best.

 

[funneemann]

Hello I'm a 22 year old Male who believes that his liver is failing and would really like to end it before things get real ugly. But I have a lot of anxiety over my family finding my corpse and I'm fearful of the pain experienced in dying.

 

[Pictures of trickery]

Hey I'm new here. 31, UK.
Ive read a lot of posts and so many seem to have suffered with mental health for a large part of their life. For me it's totally different. I have never suffered depression or suicidal thoughts. In fact I used to think suicide was selfish. Now I understand and I feel awful for ever judging anyone for their own choices. Now I understand why life is too much and some people cannot stay.
I did something incredibly stupid that has ultimately ruined my life/ quality of life/ destroyed all the hopes and dreams I had for myself. I cannot go into more than that but there is no way out for me.
My only tie to this world was my mum. She is now sick and unrecognisable as the woman I've known my entire life. So this started with my own depression and has now ended with basically "losing" my mum. I'm am drowning. I found life unbearable but I always thought she would be there for me. Now I am alone.
I live each day with this hideous sense of dread and loneliness. I have lost everything now.

 

[Moby]

Hi im moby

Ive struggled with mental health issues my whole life

I've realized my issues are hurting people around me and continue to do so. Its gotten to the point where im hurting the world more than helping it. Im falling further each day.

I find a lot of meaning with being there for others, so If anyone ever needs someone to vent to or to feel less alone. Message me!

 

[Myforevercharlie]

My only tie to this world was my mum. She is now sick and unrecognisable as the woman I've known my entire life. So this started with my own depression and has now ended with basically "losing" my mum. I'm am drowning. I found life unbearable but I always thought she would be there for me. Now I am alone.
I live each day with this hideous sense of dread and loneliness. I have lost everything now.

Im so sorry, losing a parent is heavy, it doesn't mater if they're physically or mentally are not here anymore or passed on. I think the first is even more horrible...

 

[WinterFaust]

Hi everyone.

I'm 26, US. When I am able to muster up interest in anything aside from suicide methods, I quite enjoy anime, reading, writing, pop culture, poetry. I am quite the social introvert as well and usually don't sleep so I'm often available to talk if anyone is interested.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar nearly a year ago after a very long and unfortunate manic episode ruined my life as I knew it. A year ago I was engaged, surrounded by friends, and relatively physically healthy even though I was struggling with severe depression and suicidal ideation. Today I am single, unemployed, in debt, friendless, and I have a whole host of health issues that probably resulted from stress and wonderful coping mechanisms such as ceasing to eat or sleep and ignoring my finances. I didn't take my break up well at all -- codependency at it's finest -- and blamed myself for months. Started getting a little better in December but my health took a nose dive in January. Suffered some hearing and vision loss, I lost the will to live which led to more health problems, haha. I feel very lonely and broken these days. I know I haven't exhausted all my options but I'm just ridiculously tired and can see no way out. But I am scared and I don't want to quite die alone so I am grateful for this site. Thank you for having me.

 

[qwerty32]

Thanks for allowing me to have an account.
Currently live in the states USA. I've tried CTB three times in college due to major depression. Recently broke up from my first and only relationship and haven't been myself. I'm seriously thinking of CTB hopefully the last time and would be successful. Now I'm just trying to live day by day due to this corona virus 19 quarantine which is not helping my stated of mind. Been trying to look for quiet peaceful methods like drinking (N) or such. Well I'll do my best to try to live, or until the day arrives.

 

[(BI)omech(AN)i(CA)l]

Hey all.
>transgender woman
>only sometimes passes, have extremely petite body but overly masculine facial features like jawline, chin, nose, and forehead
>working as an escort, hate it, traumatizing
>have Asperger's and extremely socially awkward, oblivious, and disorganized
>daily life and finding a normal job is difficult
>entire lifetime of loneliness and isolation
>in art school, not talented or focused enough to keep up with peers
>losing will to create and faith in myself
>been hospitalized five times for suicidal thoughts
>transition has made things slightly better
>have had romantic interests be infatuated with me but they usually run away once they get to know me and I start making social blunders
>but I still feel like most of the progress is just me learning how to put up a facade
>still deeply insecure and hate every fiber of my being
>tired of being relegated to a sex object
>21, still depend on parent, never had an off-campus job
>Pretty younger sister makes me depressed as she's a feminine ideal that I'll never measure up to
>I want to fucking die
>I've gotten close to attempting two times recently (bridge, hanging in forest) but don't have the fucking guts

it's at least good to be here though

 

[OhItsZemblanity]

(originally had this as a thread in the main discussion but didn't realize there was a new members area)
Good morning/afternoon/evening all, tis I, Zemblanity. Highly depressed late 20s individual here who's been planning to CTB for...many years now. I've always struggled to seek help because I seem to have zero sense of humanity within myself. Almost as if I'm already dead. I can't ever seem to shake that feeling, and it always leads to "why waste the effort to get help if you're basically on the same level as a corpse". There's no helping a corpse, trying to do so is...just a waste of effort.

Decided I was going to do it a few years ago after my divorce. Had the gear I needed for my exit, was just looking for the right spot to do it, which was a struggle because I really hated the idea of my organs going to waste, but I also didn't want to be stumbled upon by someone and risk becoming a vegetable when they chose to save my life, or be traumatized by it(couldn't do it where I lived. I cared for my roommate deeply and didn't want to traumatize him further as he'd already seen one of his friends dead). Having my organs go to waste bothered me 10x more than what family/friends would have to go through with the knowledge that I had passed. Had my messages pre-written out and ready to be sent on a timer with where to find me. The biggest problem? I was drinking a bottle of vodka/tequila a night. Ended up in the bathtub covered in vomit, or passed out cold on the floor most nights for about a month straight. Ended up having a conversation with my cousin as she had made me promise previously that I would contact her if I was going to do it, but only the one time. If I wanted to do it again, I was free to do so. I kept the promise, but also kept my gear...just in case. Stopped drinking. Decided to get my shit together and also move back home due to where I currently lived and my work life balance being extremely dangerous to my mental health. Ended up having to leave my helium behind since I couldn't exactly fit it in my bags, and I'm a terrible liar and didn't want to explain about trying to carry a fuckin tank of helium on a 10+ hour train ride.

I'm fucking regretting that decision majorly right about now. Things have managed to fall further into disarray after moving back. Which is worse due to my self imposed sobriety since I can't seem to control myself when it comes to alcohol. This quarantine business is making things even worse. I've got no energy. I have about enough to make myself a meal or take a shower before I start to crash. Can't seem to enjoy anything anymore except binge listening to LPOTL when I want to feel like a human being capable of laughter. Other than that...it's sitting in the dark and quiet trying struggling to find a source of humanity inside myself. Other than the promise to my cousin, there's one that I've sworn myself to keep. I want a peaceful and relaxed journey. I've lived enough of my life in fear or in pain, I'll be fuckin damned if I go out in a traumatic manner, no matter how quick it might be. So...yeah. a bit about me I suppose. Hope that all made sense and wasn't too scatterbrained. I have trouble keeping things together sometimes.

 

[zer05mdy]

hello, i'm 20, almost 21, and am from minnesota, us. i go to college for sociology, and if i somehow find a will to live within the next year i will go for my masters.
i'm not new to SS, i joined in june with intention to CTB but am obviously still here, and active now after a break, just lurking.
i guess i'm back now because things are getting a lot worse again and it would be nice to have people to talk to that understand/can relate. i was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and have been self harming for almost two years now. i've had one failed attempt and given my inability to get better i'm not sure how long i'll be around.

i'm not sure what else to say but if you're around my age (18-25ish) and preferably near me or at least in the us and want a pal to vent to/talk to, you can PM me to get my discord- i'm most active on there. bonus points if you play video games or listen to my chemical romance!

 

[sullen-girl]

Hi

I joined a few months ago but got too scared to actually post stuff so gave up on it. I'm back and had a proper browse and I really love this community. I'm in my 20s, and I've had mental health issues for as long as I can remember, Ive always felt like life just wasn't right for me and how it's unbearable to even fathom the thought of living on and all those years that I should have ahead of me.

Anyways, thanks for having me and I'm looking forward to getting to know you all

 

[MissKatrina]

Hi everyone.

I'm 26, US. When I am able to muster up interest in anything aside from suicide methods, I quite enjoy anime, reading, writing, pop culture, poetry. I am quite the social introvert as well and usually don't sleep so I'm often available to talk if anyone is interested.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar nearly a year ago after a very long and unfortunate manic episode ruined my life as I knew it. A year ago I was engaged, surrounded by friends, and relatively physically healthy even though I was struggling with severe depression and suicidal ideation. Today I am single, unemployed, in debt, friendless, and I have a whole host of health issues that probably resulted from stress and wonderful coping mechanisms such as ceasing to eat or sleep and ignoring my finances. I didn't take my break up well at all -- codependency at it's finest -- and blamed myself for months. Started getting a little better in December but my health took a nose dive in January. Suffered some hearing and vision loss, I lost the will to live which led to more health problems, haha. I feel very lonely and broken these days. I know I haven't exhausted all my options but I'm just ridiculously tired and can see no way out. But I am scared and I don't want to quite die alone so I am grateful for this site. Thank you for having me.

Hello WinterFaust. Your name intrigued me as well as the fact we have very similar circumstances. I am struggling with depression and suicide ideation, then lost my best friend, my boyfriend who I was very serious about, my relationship with my parents and my future career over one night. Also have some vision loss which I'm waiting for the lockdown to end so that I can check out. Is your name based on Johann Faust? The gentleman who exchanged his soul with the devil for unlimited knowledge and worldly pleasure. Curious on the choice. Why suffer for eternity for more pleasure in this life?

 

[Epsilon0]

Hello WinterFaust. Your name intrigued me as well as the fact we have very similar circumstances. I am struggling with depression and suicide ideation, then lost my best friend, my boyfriend who I was very serious about, my relationship with my parents and my future career over one night. Also have some vision loss which I'm waiting for the lockdown to end so that I can check out. Is your name based on Johann Faust? The gentleman who exchanged his soul with the devil for unlimited knowledge and worldly pleasure. Curious on the choice. Why suffer for eternity for more pleasure in this life?

Welcome to SS @MissKatrina

Which Faust versions are you familiar with?

Adrian Leverkühn is my personal favourite in terms of character development and depth of psychological analysis, but Marlowe's poem contains one of the most beautiful renditions of the agony Fautus feels when the fatal hour approaches:

"O soul, be chang'd into little water-drops,
And fall into the ocean, ne'er be found!
[Enter DEVILS.]
My God, my god, look not so fierce on me!
Adders and serpents, let me breathe a while!
Ugly hell, gape not! come not, Lucifer!
I'll burn my books! – Ah, Mephistopheles!
(Exeunt DEVILS with FAUSTUS)"

 

[Always_Lonely02]

Hi, my name is Edu, I am 18, from Europe. I am very depressed and wanted to express some of my feelings. Jope you guys accept me here!

 

[MissKatrina]

Welcome to SS @MissKatrina

Which Faust versions are you familiar with?

Adrian Leverkühn is my personal favourite in terms of character development and depth of psychological analysis, but Marlowe's poem contains one of the most beautiful renditions of the agony Fautus feels when the fatal hour approaches:

"O soul, be chang'd into little water-drops,
And fall into the ocean, ne'er be found!
[Enter DEVILS.]
My God, my god, look not so fierce on me!
Adders and serpents, let me breathe a while!
Ugly hell, gape not! come not, Lucifer!
I'll burn my books! – Ah, Mephistopheles!
(Exeunt DEVILS with FAUSTUS)"

I adore Marlowe's, Dr Faustus. It is beautifully written. Some of my favourite parts are the appearance of the seven deadly sins, his description of helen of troy and the beauty with which Mephistopheles describes hell. "Hell is just a frame of mind" is something that's stayed with me. Plus Marlowe seems like a badass guy. Being possibly an atheist and a spy, which considering the timeframe I find very admirable. Upset he died so young. I also enjoyed the Jew of Malta by him. I'm not familiar with Adrian Leverkühn's version. Something to add to my reading list after exams finish.

 

[Epsilon0]

I adore Marlowe's, Dr Faustus. It is beautifully written. Some of my favourite parts are the appearance of the seven deadly sins, his description of helen of troy and the beauty with which Mephistopheles describes hell. "Hell is just a frame of mind" is something that's stayed with me. Plus Marlowe seems like a badass guy. Being possibly an atheist and a spy, which considering the timeframe I find very admirable. Upset he died so young. I also enjoyed the Jew of Malta by him. I'm not familiar with Adrian Leverkühn's version. Something to add to my reading list after exams finish.

Adrian Leverkühn is the name of the brilliant composer who sells his soul to the devil in Thomas Mann's epic novel Doctor Fautus. A word of caution since you mentioned you broke up with your boyfriend: you will fall in love with Leverkühn. I read that book twice during my 20's and he still haunts me.

I had forgotten it was Marlowe who said that hell was just a frame of mind. Anyway, in these post-modernist times, everything is a frame of mind.

 

[MissKatrina]

Adrian Leverkühn is the name of the brilliant composer who sells his soul to the devil in Thomas Mann's epic novel Doctor Fautus. A word of caution since you mentioned you broke up with your boyfriend: you will fall in love with Leverkühn. I read that book twice during my 20's and he still haunts me.

I had forgotten it was Marlowe who said that hell was just a frame of mind. Anyway, in these post-modernist times, everything is a frame of mind.

You're tempting me to read the novel.. :) I'll look it up this evening to procrastinate with from studying. Hahaha. Any other good books you're reading at the moment?

 

[Epsilon0]

You're tempting me to read the novel.. :) I'll look it up this evening to procrastinate with from studying. Hahaha. Any other good books you're reading at the moment?

Since joining the forum in December of last year, the same book I started then lies unfinished on my night stand. It's a biography on Hemingway. I guess I will have to delete this account if I ever want to find out more about his life. If you wish to continue discussing literature, let's do so in a separate thread in the Off topic section, so as not to derail this thread.

 

[Maxximilian]

Hello. I don't know what im doing with my life. Finding a meaning in my life if there is one. I like to sleep and listen music.

 

[chronicpain50]

Hi, I'm in Texas and I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease a few years ago. The pain, weakness and fatigue are overwhelming.

I'm 50 and before becoming ill I was active, in shape and a go-getter but I suffered from severe anxiety since my brother's suicide in 1997. I also went through bouts of depression but always tied a knot and held on for my kids.

I meant to be a good mother. I failed. I tried so very hard not to be like my mother, and I succeeded, but I failed in other ways. Mainly because I allowed more abuse into my life and into the lives of my kids. They have turned out great though and I'm very proud of them.

My husband left me a couple years ago. He was abusive but because I am so ill he was my only financial resource. I tried leaving when I was healthy but he kept tight reigns on money (unless he was spending it) and I could never get enough to start again.

Even though I have tried to get disability they denied me and I have to keep trying while filling out paperwork that someone without cognitive dysfunction would have a hard time completing. My medical records show the diagnosis and progression and I will only get worse. My doctor wrote a letter explaining I can't work or leave the house for more than short periods of time. But, it's a game I have to keep playing until I don't.

My friends are non-existent since my illness and some don't understand my illnesses or why I don't just "get some help" My family have never been close and some are part of the abuse I experienced growing up so I don't deal with them. My mom passed away a month after my husband left me and we weren't close anyway (abuse).

I feel like I'm gushing and rambling but I haven't had anyone to talk to in quite awhile. Maybe just getting all this out will help. Maybe not.

By the time I became so ill I could barely walk my husband lost our house to foreclosure and we moved into an RV. I got the RV in the divorce and a few hundred dollars a month for a couple years. That stops in a year and a half.

I've been blogging to try to make money but it's a long game and I don't always have the energy or cognitive function to do what is needed. I was a self-employed virtual assistant for an online business manager but I couldn't do the work at the level needed, when needed and she let me go last November. Now I keep trying for VA work but I can't provide what most people need.

My oldest son bought a house in November so I would have a stable house and I moved in but I have to pay about half the money I get in rent. He couldn't afford the house without me and my other son paying rent and I don't mind or have a complaint about that. He is at a new job now and said he might be able to stop my rent soon. That's great but I can't expect him to pay to care for me once my money stops.

There are a few problems he's had since he was about 3. He had uncontrollable rage, would get violent, depression and ended up in prison for a couple years after stealing a motorcycle and running from police (who were very familiar with him). I took him to every doctor or program I could but it never helped. He's always been volatile but he controls himself much better now.

He is stressed all the time but works out of town. I am unable to do things like buy things for my room or create an herb garden without his permission. He expects me to clean the whole house while he and my other son do yard work (very small yard) and considers it equitable plus he doesn't understand my limitations.

Anyway, he isn't the problem. He is doing his best and I am still adjusting to trying to survive each day without more substantial support and healthcare.

I have spent all night reading on here. I see so many with the same pain even if our circumstances are different. I've read the posts of those who succeeded at doing what I'm contemplating and cried because they seemed like such amazing people but I also cheered because they may not have that pain anymore.

My goal date is September/October 2021. I can't take this life much longer and that timeframe seems so far away but I am going to keep trying to live and create a better life, like I've done for years now, until I can't take the pain or even pay my own way. I won't be that burden.

I look forward to "meeting" everyone. You are all in my thoughts

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Hey

My english sucks, so sorry about that I understand everything what I'm reading, but when I'm writing I don't know what the fuck I'm doing

I've been suicidal about 20 years and have one suicide attempt before. Unfortunately I was founded and wake up in hospital 2 days later.

I'm quite happy with my life but I've still always wanted to die, I don't know why. That's why my nickname is what it is

 

[BlackPoppet]

I'm from London UK, I have been a member since February 2020, the reason I'm here is because I had an episode about two years ago and I was prescribed Risperidon and the side effects have fucked up my life, I worked in an office for over 35 years cleaned shaved, suited and booted and now I haven't got the energy to wash in the morning.

I have been clean of all medication for over a year now and nothing has changed, can't believe a fucking psychiatrist gave me this shit and never told me about the side effects, they should issue these dangerous psychotic pills for a 3 month period only and then wait to see if the symptoms return, not leave me on them unsupervised I didn't have a clue but now I have researched them thoroughly, I know they have dangerous side effects.

The reason they don't tell you is they are in denial I have told them hundreds of times, it has made me brain damaged and they won't accept it, you always get the same dumb answer, oh some people have some side effects but everyone is different and not everyone will experience them.

Anyway that is my story and why I'm here talking to similar minded people.

Geo

My Psychiatrist never told me about the side effects of antipsychotics. I'm super angry. I feel you! I'm here if you need.
I'm in London too! Forgot to say!

 

[Oh so tired]

Hi,
Just joined and thought I'd introduce myself.
Ive been feeling suicidal for about six months and have had two attempts, one of which landed me in a psych ward for a month. I struggle with depression, anxiety and anorexia, as well as self-harming which is really out of control at the moment.
I stumbled upon this place when researching methods to ctb. It will be good to talk to other people who understand.

 

[xalltoowell]

Long time lurker here!

I'm 28, have struggled with an assortment of mental illnesses most of my life. Haven't had an attempt in almost 3 years, mostly because I don't want to have another halfhearted attempt.

I enjoy traveling, British television, all the sweet treats, and burning every bridge I ever make.

Glad to not just be a lurker anymore!

 

[ready 2 go]

Hey everyone
I've suffered from various mental illnesses and suicidal thoughts for over 5 years. I've had multiple suicide attempts + hospitalizations that didn't help me in the slightest. I've lurked here and on the former sub reddit in my darker moments a couple of times. Nice to finally join you all.

 

[K-O]

Hi fellow humans x
Im new here and wanted to say how comforting interesting and exiting it is to join so thank you!
I am so comforted by the fact I found at last such a space that articulates and ok's freedom of choice! And tbh only the fact that u acknowledge the difference between pro life vs pro choice mentalities means so much to me!
I have been imprisoned by "pro life fascism" for as long as I remember..
By that I mean someone else's concept of Life as in - the right thing to do/say/look/indulge/be..
This kind of bullying is rooted so deep in me and I've been actually fighting it all my life.. All my energy, actions, love, decisions, behavior etc stemmed from desperate need for air, freedom, acceptance..
I was Conceived by an unmedicated Schizophrenic multi talented mother.. V long story short..- 35 years later I have Complex PTSD, BPD, am a Drug Addict..
Lost my Soul Mate to an overdose not long ago In my arms.. Tried to overdose shortly after by swallowing and snorting everything I could find that was left over by the Paramedics and Pigs that were in my house.. But unfortunately passed out on my roof, was found taken to emergency, committed.. and ever since then i have been managing my surroundings and waiting for the right moment again (guts peace and clarity) to release with love.
So thank the gods for this comforting space. And for you reading my short thingie..
x

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Hi,
Just joined and thought I'd introduce myself.
Ive been feeling suicidal for about six months and have had two attempts, one of which landed me in a psych ward for a month. I struggle with depression, anxiety and anorexia, as well as self-harming which is really out of control at the moment.
I stumbled upon this place when researching methods to ctb. It will be good to talk to other people who understand.

If you ever need a fellow self harmer to talk to I'm here <3 (or if you just want to strike up a conversation XD)

 

[ecky]

Hello everyone,
Been suicidal for many years, had 1 clumsy attempt. Been in a psych ward a couple times. First place diagnosed me with ADHD; second place said I've got characteristics of Asperger's. Learnt self-harm after my first visit. I wanted to go back since first time in my life people were genuinely friendly to me and I meet a kindred spirit there.
I'm in Australia since 2018, thanks to someone who thought they could help me. Not sure how it's possible but I have even less interaction with people than before. I stay in a bedroom and regretfully waste time on games, just like I used to before. I wish I could go outside and explore, appreciate the fauna and flora, but I find myself unable to do so on my own. I have a psych, I tried applying for jobs, I wanted to find friends. Long story short, I tried being alive, but to no avail. I'm planning on getting tickets for the bus. At least now it's an option.

 

[cytokinestorm]

Hi, I'm female, aged 50 and from the UK. I have aspergers and adhd. I've worked as a nurse for the last 30 years, but have recently quit as it was affecting my mental health.

I stick around for my family at the moment, but I don't plan on growing old. I need to have plans as I don't like leaving things to chance. Death doesn't worry me. It's an old companion of mine. It's the dying part I need to take control of.

 

[Freedent]

Hi everyone !

I'm glad i found a community where freedom of choice is actually respected, most forums about suicide just begs everyone not to do it because "it'll get better". I've been feeling suicidal for most of my life now ; i'm eighteen, french, living with my (rather shitty) family and hating every single part of it. It got fascinated about death around when i was seven, and it never ever left my mind. No matter how good the moment i'm in might be, it's just not as good as not feeling anything.

I tried to silence the thoughts by working my ass off in academics, but i just ended up isolating myself even more from my pairs, who seem to mostly enjoy the ride.
By now I've given up, graduating this year and getting admitted into art school. No one really supports it since i'm not very talented, people want me to write, because that's what i'm supposed to be gifted for, but i hate writing. I think it might be the most painful thing to do, ever.
I mostly numb the pain through art and video games. My attention span is shit, i can't even read properly anymore. I got diagnosed with a pretty serious depression at thirteen, got put on antidepressants at fourteen. I also have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and recently BPD in a psych ward, but other therapists told me it was a misdiagnosis so i don't know who to believe.

I first got hospitalized two years ago, submitted myself, hoped to get help. Just got under a shit ton of anti-psychotics and a reputation at school. I tried to kill myself last summer by taking fifty xanax and laying on train tracks but i got found, admitted once again. This time was worse than the last because i got into a adult psych ward, everyone was just sedated and there weren't even therapy appointments. I lied to get out and since i'm at boarding school, i got told that if i tried again i would be expelled. Since i'd rather graduate than not graduate, i did my best, i didn't want to have to go through another year of high school if i failed the next attempt.

I think i might kill myself after i get my high school diploma, i see no reason not to do so, except maybe losing the few friendships i have left and the trust my parents have in me. I feel so trapped, forced into being alive, i hate it so, so, so much. I just want to lay in bed and never wake up. I'm very happy to find people who feel the same way <3