Hello to everyone! Very glad to find a community of such open minded and supportive people.
I am 22 female, from Eastern Europe, studying biology. Wanted to become a neuroscientist and change the way scientific system operates but mental illness completely handicapped me. Have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorders in the past, struggling till today. Had a suicide attempt three years ago, which I remember in details that still haunt me. Slowly got better, but life is a bitch and I am at my lowest again. It's really frustrating to experience the same symptoms and moreso, be conscious of them, and still not be able to do anything. My mind is trapped in cycle of self-pity and guilt, desperately trying to dissociate from my physical body by any means. My mood goes from one absolute to another: one minute I am numb, other I go through hysterical panic. I am so used to escaping reality that I lost any sense of identity or direction in life.
Every morning I ask myself if this existing is worth all the suffering. Every morning the answer is "no". But seeing what pain caused my attempt to people that I love, I understand that my death is not worth their suffering. So I am stuck in this limbo at the moment. I don't know for how much longer thought.
Anyway, it's already too much blabbering. I am glad to join this safe place and wish you all to find peace.