Hello!
My name's Josh, I'm 21 years old, and I suffer from social anxiety.
I discovered this forum about an hour ago, and from a very brief cursory read I feel a bit out of place, because social anxiety in comparison to the things members here have went through/experienced seems like nothing..., but I don't really have anyone I can confide in, to be vulnerable with, so I'm bringing my ass over here instead
I rely on a combination of drugs and alcohol whenever I anticipate interacting with anyone. Everything is fine and dandy when I'm on it, I know how to appear normal and not under the influence, but the inevitable comedown makes me extremely depressed, life looks bleak, and hope dwindles that there won't be a time where I don't have to rely on destructive substances in order to function in society.
I also have a tendency to self-sabotage, I have pushed away the small group of friends that I felt comfortable being vulnerable and have been vulnerable with.
People have been trying to form connections with me, but I always deflect and keep them distant, because I know they are only interested in this version of me that comes out
only when I consume drugs. I can't be on drugs 24/7, so this idea that eventually they will meet the real me, the one that struggles to form coherent sentences, stutters and stumbles over their words, or have conversations that aren't surface level scares the living shit out of me.
I am slowly destroying my body, and it will be only a matter of time before these substances will be the end of me. And all because of social anxiety? It's pathetic.
There's so many other things I could talk about apart from this social aspect, but I feel like this post has lost all direction and structure, lol.
I'm not sure what I hope to gain with me being here, but we'll see. I'm evidently not the best conversationalist, but feel free to message me if you want to vent, or just someone to talk to. It'll probably be awkward, forced, and I probably won't be able to relate to you.