Hi!
I wanted to share my story with everyone. Four years ago, I met a guy online who had depression. I was a completely different person back then, and he showed me what it means to live. From the first day we met, we knew we were meant to be together forever. We loved each other like crazy, even though his life was filled with constant suffering. He had a severe case of eczema, and his family were real demons. We were officially together for two years, not studying, not working. We were 600km apart, and we constantly traveled to see each other, planning how to be together and live somehow in this world. But we couldn't manage it all the time; the problems seemed insurmountable.
I always thought it was very tough, but we were managing. I can even say that recently we had one of the best periods of our lives, we were getting better. Like really.
Until he committed suicide over a week ago, without any warning. I was so fucking suprised he did it. His last wish was to give me all his belongings (sadly, his family didn't even respect his last wish after his death). He died surrounded by gifts from me. My life stopped. I know he must have suffered terribly, like no one else. I know he loved me so much but his pain was just too much. I also know he had many reasons to live. I know I failed him, I didn't save him. I'm also sure I could have done it if I had just known how bad it was. I can't forgive myself for that. Anyway, during his lifetime, I mentioned to him many times that I couldn't live without him and if he was gone, I would kill myself. I never had a problem with the idea of death and suicide, but I also didn't have a reason to die. Now I do.
I know I want to die. Moreover, in the same place and in the same way as him. I lost the meaning and love of my life forever. I don't want anything else.
However, I need help. He didn't cover many clues, now I'm trying to piece together how he died. I need people who have knowledge and experience. Also I would like to share more about my story, details, and feelings with people who will understand me and accept me for who I am. Without pretending.
I hope I'll be understood. Thank you. I'm glad I'm here and that this place exists!