Hello and welcome, I'm new too.
You gave quite a detailed (albeit sad) description of yourself and those 2 things you said ring a bell:
1) When I was like 9 yo I convinced myself I was a vampire after watching a comedy about a young man who is bitten by an attractive female vamp.
He had to wear sunglasses during daylight and used a blender to make milkshakes out of milk and whole pieces of raw meat.
I don't know why but that kinda fascinated me and I started wearing sunglasses over of the eyeglasses I had to wear.
Tried tasting blood from raw beef leftovers but honestly didn't like it that much.
Been attracted to monsters and scary things since a very young age.
2) As for sensitivity, I'm an introvert and share some features with the Highly Sensitive Person personality trait.
Regardless of labels, for me it means that some feelings are of much higher intensity than most people's.
People hate, I HATE.
People get sad, I GET SAD.
Some stimuli (music in particular, but also landscapes and cinema to some extent) resonate incredibly deep within me.
If that's what you mean I understand you pal. It can make your life a rollercoaster of emotions.
Probably many people dreamed of super powers in childhood, but for me it was something more.
Firstly, for most of my life, another reality was formed and developed in my imagination, where I could travel to other worlds and turn into anything. This story had a plot, heroes and villains. I dreamed that one day it would become a reality, I knew that I couldn't believe in it forever, but for now I could, it supported me.
Secondly, when I really liked a movie, cartoon or game, I loved weaving elements from these worlds into my reality. For example, when I was at school, during physical education, when we had to run in circles, I imagined that a snapper (creature from the game Gothic) was chasing us.. and then eats my classmates (I'm not evil, almost everyone bullied me). I dreamed almost always, dreams are like oxygen to me.
Thirdly, I never had a clear definition of who I am. Besides traveling through my dream world sometimes I tend to borrow the personality of a character I like (sometimes neutral images stick to me for a short period), during this period the voice of the internal dialogue often sounds like the character's voice, the manner of speech is borrowed. I remember I really liked feeling like the Prince of Persia when I played Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. I even created a simple costume and a sword. Later I liked the image of little Simba, I drew lions, sang songs from the cartoon and I learned to roar (I like it, Since then, if the situation allows, I always growl when something pisses me off).
But more often I came up with my own character who was connected with the surroundings of the world I liked. I was an anthropomorphic ninja fox from a hidden leaf and made something like shuriken's, imagined myself as an anthropomorphic kitten Shinigami (Bleach is one of my favorite anime), a vampire too there was (positive character).
I haven't tried raw meat (except for salted minced meat), curious but the smell is repulsive. I was wondering what it would be like to be a beast of prey, probably raw meat is different for their receptors, perhaps as a delicacy. I would like to be an animal like a wolf or a forest cat, but not real, but fabulous. Although I sometimes feel the thrill of the hunt when looking at small animals, I don't want to kill anyone. Well, if only the prey were absolute evil, for example, an evil demonic hare.. although no, sorry for him, just imagine.. it so Cute!
A rich imagination is all I have. Even before the diagnosis, I assumed that I had AS.
but I doubted it, because the sources that I read said that this is not typical for most aspies.
Regarding emotions, probably so. Because of this, I have psychological trauma for reasons that are insignificant for the average person, constant avoidance, anxiety, rejection of criticism, and most of my life I have been in a state of burnout.
Good emotions can be delightful, but sometimes it's also exhausting; the higher you fly, the more painful it is to fall.
When I realized that I was capable of killing myself, I felt for the first time that I was in control of my life, it revived and inspired me, now I no longer want to return to energy-saving mode, on the other hand, due to increased emotionality, my nervous system is completely frayed, something like OCD and nervous tics are getting worse over the years, declines the mood is becoming more and more unbearable each time, if I don't have time to find something to cope with this, one day I won't be able to stand it, but I'd rather be absolutely dead than half-dead.
Antidepressant is an acceptable remedy, but undesirable, unless there is something better than the one I tried, it did not suppress emotions much but increased fatigue. I recently bought a fitness membership, it helped me once, but only once, that time I had motivation (I have big problems with this), but now I remember the reason, so I think this time I can get remission.
I want to be stronger to live on my own terms, or at least die on my own terms.
