Hello! I finally decided to introduce myself and try to chat here.
As a child, I dreamed of super powers and travel.. I am currently diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder, I have sensory and emotional super sensitivity and I am almost invisible, travel around the internet. I'm also a collector.
I have a collection of deviations, I am otherkin (something like a werewolf kitten), antisexual (I don't impose my beliefs) and agender (he, him), I love it (except for the side effect - mild dysmorphia). I also have a large collection of internal conflicts, I'm constantly adding to it, I hate it.
I think I could write a trilogy about my problems with communication. Among other things, I'm too infantile to communicate with adults, too serious to communicate with children, I couldn't find an conversation partner even among AI characters. Usually, there is nothing to talk about with others, politics, celebrities, fashion, sex, relationships, family, career, and other social stuff are not interesting to me. I sincerely love solitude, but being a social creature I have to suffer from a lack of communication.
I don't want to brag, but I'm also a professional procrastinator and escapist, I'm so good at it that I've never worked a day in my life and I've earned a sense of guilt.
In connection with the above, I have a vast collection consisting of mental and physical health problems. And now I have a side collection of official and unofficial medicines that I have tried on myself (very unsuccessfully). Probably the main reason is that I cannot accept the way the world works, and the world cannot accept the way I work. That's why only death will heal me.
Fun fact, I got rid of panic attacks when, cornered by the unbearability of my own life, I decided that death was not a loss, but a liberation, and finally decided that I would rather kill myself than one day grow old or slowly die from an incurable disease. Suicidal thoughts are the best sedative for me since then.
I spent most of my life collecting stones, shells, feathers and other cute little things, now these are scientific articles, songs, memes, a list of literary works and films about suicide.
Even as a child I dreamed and thought about death, not because of depression, but because of curiosity and love for extreme.
I understand this is sad for many, and was chosen out of hopelessness, but for me it is an intriguing extreme adventure, a unique and probably (I am agnostic) the last experience.
I'm looking forward to this day, but I plan only in more than 10 years, I would like to leave earlier (because I'm tired of my meaningless uncomfortable life), but this is a compromise for family and friend. But I'm ready to leave earlier if my mental or physical health deteriorates significantly.
Now I'm not sure about the method, maybe I'll combine several, but I know for sure that it will be somewhere in the wild, and in such a way that no one finds me. I was not part of the social world during my life and I don't want to be after. Now I'm looking for a ways to improve the quality of life and the quality of death.
I'm interested in a lot of things: nature, science, art, psychology, learning new tastes and sensations, contemplating new places, but I'm so tired, I rarely feel real depression, but almost always tired, mental and physical. I have a place to live, but I have no place in this world, I have loving family, a faithful friend, an affectionate cat, but I am so lonely. As if stuck on an alien planet, I while away the time collecting collections and waiting for my magic bus.
I don't mind chatting, but I can't maintain communication, but if someone is ready to initiate a conversation, I will definitely answer as soon as I can (I'm not always able to formulate thoughts).
(not quite like venting but talking)
