I’m so tired of trying to chase perfection

[depthss]

I used to be inactive, now I exercise every day
I used to eat only junk food, now I eat pretty healthy
I lowered my screentime to way less than it used to be
I used to have no hobbies, now im working on a bunch of different things
I dropped out of high school, but im taking online classes now
I've changed my appearance drastically and I have a job now.

All positive changes, but I feel just as bad as I did before. Eating better, exercise, and going outside didnt make me any less depressed than I was before. The constant changes are stressing me out, I overthink everything now. I first started improving myself to be good enough for other people, everything I started off with made sense, but now I cant stop hyper focussing on extremely small things that nobody else notices. I've given up so many thing that I love because they don't fit what I want to be.

I'm not trying to be a "perfect person" because I want to feel better than others, I just feel so inadequate compared to people. I just want to be a likeable person who can make friends, but I dont feel like im worthy. I have a list of things I need to change or improve before I can make friends, but I've had this list for awhile, and it keeps expanding and changing. I know it'll never get completed, but I keep trying, and I can't take it anymore. I'm so tired of trying for something that won't happen, and I hate being alone.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I'm sorry for your struggle. This is very relatable.

 

[IWishToDie]

I used to be inactive, now I exercise every day
I used to eat only junk food, now I eat pretty healthy
I lowered my screentime to way less than it used to be
I used to have no hobbies, now im working on a bunch of different things
I dropped out of high school, but im taking online classes now
I've changed my appearance drastically and I have a job now.

All positive changes, but I feel just as bad as I did before. Eating better, exercise, and going outside didnt make me any less depressed than I was before. The constant changes are stressing me out, I overthink everything now. I first started improving myself to be good enough for other people, everything I started off with made sense, but now I cant stop hyper focussing on extremely small things that nobody else notices. I've given up so many thing that I love because they don't fit what I want to be.

I'm not trying to be a "perfect person" because I want to feel better than others, I just feel so inadequate compared to people. I just want to be a likeable person who can make friends, but I dont feel like im worthy. I have a list of things I need to change or improve before I can make friends, but I've had this list for awhile, and it keeps expanding and changing. I know it'll never get completed, but I keep trying, and I can't take it anymore. I'm so tired of trying for something that won't happen, and I hate being alone.

Never compete with others, only compete with who you were yesterday. You will never win, though it is the journey that matters -- not the destination. Best of luck.